Hi, my name is Lee. I’m 16 years old, and I’m in my junior year of high school rn. It’s late at night, I just came across heartsupport today and made an account because I feel like I need to get this off my chest. I had just vented all of this into a letter onto a Google doc as if I’m writing to an imaginary friend or stranger lol, I’m sorry if it’s too long or doesn’t make sense. I just really need some support right now.
"I don’t know, man. Like I genuinely feel like a nuisance to my family, and everyone really. As if they would be better off without me.
I’m a horrible daughter. They deserve a better kid. Less spoiled. Less lazy. Less stupid. It sounds irrational, I know, but still like, I truly feel like I was a mistake to them. If I would just go through with it I would be doing a service to them. My parents wouldn’t have to worry about feeding me, dealing with me, paying for college, taking me to school and back. I feel like my very existence is just making everything worse, and it’s as if ending it all would be the only way I could repay them for all the hell I have caused these last 16 years of my life. Truly, they deserve better.
Really the main reason I’m still living is to ace my classes and get into college, but even now I don’t think I can imagine a future for myself after high school. If I died now it would seem like all that hard work I put into my honors/community college classes would be for nothing but man I just feel so drained. It feels like everyone around me is ahead and has their stuff together: more accomplished, more successful, more productive, and then there’s me. Taking up space that someone else more useful could have filled. I’m just rambling at this point but I don’t really have any motivation to keep living, but even then I cower at the thought of creating a plan, much less executing it.
Usually, when young people die from suicide, their family, friends, and basically everyone who knew them would mourn the loss of their loved one, calling them ‘the sweetest person they’ve ever met’, or ‘a bright light gone too soon,’ and there’s no doubt in my mind that every single one of these people truly was amazing, and have touched many people’s lives in some way that they may not have even realized while they were alive. But me, man I feel like I’m the perfect candidate because if I even dare to talk to my parents about any negative emotions I’m feeling they would just call me ‘overdramatic’, ‘stupid’ or a ‘sensitive ass.’ If I were to open up to any of my friends about this I’m sure we would ultimately end up drifting apart because no one would want to deal with someone like that. My family is stuck with me whether I like it or not, but my friends from school, I don’t want to be more of a burden to them than I already am.
One less mouth to feed, one less annoying student/classmate/friend. Like I could die tomorrow, and the world would have lost something of very little value, that no one would care. If anything, I would be doing the world a favor.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I had high hopes for the future: move away to college, see the world, fall in love. And so much more that even now I still want out of life. But the way things are going right now, that may not last long. Hell, I would be lucky if I even lived to reach the age of 20.
I don’t know, man. I’m simply tired of living. It hurts me to say this because I know that I have so much to look forward to but there are just so many thoughts flooding in my mind 24/7 and I just want it all to end. The possibility, the azure of just—nothingness. All the weight in my body, all the puffiness in my eyes, all the noise in my head, in the world. To just stop. To not be a bother to anyone. To feel nothing. To be nothing. But weightless, forever.
It’s all too tempting, man. I don’t know."
but really it has been eating away at me for so long and there have often been days where i just feel like im hanging by a thread.