I am not quite sure how to start this because there is so much to unpack. So many raw emotions. So much hurt. Just so much. I will try my best to not rant and keep things as clear as possible.
About two months ago, I met someone. We will call him Paul. It came from one of the most unusual places, but it felt so natural. We talked and I felt like it might be something that would last. We had some rocky moments because I would try to communicate my needs and he would meet that communication with saying things like, “I know. I will.” But shortly after, we would go days with speaking or hardly speaking. I tried to ask him what I could do, if it would help him to schedule times to hang out and spend time together…but it would never happen. About two weeks ago, I started to process how this might not be the long term thing that I thought it would be in the beginning of it all. On Thursday…once again, I told him what I needed as a partner. And again…“I know.” I accepted the fact that things were fizzling out and it was best for me to move on because one of the things I say, “I would rather be single and happy than be with someone and be bitter.”
Here comes the part where I feel like a villain…someone else that I knew for a good amount of time started talking. We will call him Sam. It started off as friends and just hanging with mutual people. After some time had passed, we realized that there were feelings for each other that had actually been there for quite some time. I never had to ask him for meaningful conversations, communication and just small things that matter to me. He wants to get to know me. But there was a problem, he had someone that he talked to on a regular basis but also didn’t have any interest in. We will call her Bailey. She was planning on moving to the states and wanted to be with him. There’s a lot to unpack there but we would be here for hours, if I did that. Sam and I verbalized that we had feelings for one another, he sent her a message that he only wanted to be friends with her because she had said things to him that caused many red flags and he did not want her to move to the states and change her entire life for him, when he did not see things with her progressing like she did. I did the same with Paul, stating that I wanted more than what he was giving me. I told Paul that I wanted to stay friends. Paul asked me it was because of Sam, and I was honest by saying it was. This turned into him telling me to “have fun.” I had a good amount of conversations from mutual friends saying how I reacted on not knowing all of the information about things between Sam and Bailey. I felt and still feel like the villain. Sam and Paul had a private conversation, in which Paul told Sam, “Be careful with that one, she will jump to the next person that gives her attention.” Yes, I recognize that this was Paul reacting out of emotions and hurt…but man, that hurt a lot to hear. Paul told mutual friends of ours that we were talking ALL the time and made things sounds like we were in a committed relationship, when at the same time…he had told me that, “We are in a talkingship. I would like to work on things and spend time with you to invest in a potential relationship.” And again…it would always come back to him being too busy with IRL work, hobbies and playing video games with other people. I was second place with Paul.
Sam and I have spent so much time together hanging out and getting to know each other. He listens to me when I tell him that I feel insecure about something. We talk things out. I ask him his opinions on things and he is more than willing to discuss his thoughts on them. He notices the small things. He remembers what is important to me. But in the back of my mind, I still feel like the villain. I wish that feeling would go away.
From Rohini_868: Paul sounds like he only gets interested when there is something to “win”. He’s a dangler, one of the worst kinds to ever sit and wait for them to sort themselves out and to finally " see you".
He cared so little for your many many expressed feelings. You’re far too worthy a person to ever let a dangler make you question yourself or feel badly.
AND to make sure you celebrate your awesomeness, look at you, being emotionally open, willing to share tkue heart, being so wonderful communicative!! I see a TON of great relationship traits there, and it all solidifies the fact that you’re willing to do the hard work. So shake those danglers off, Paul sounds like he wanted to be chased for his own ego, and to keep you always unsure, sort of like what they call negging I think? Sam sounds like a warm hug after all that. Take your time, and indeed. Have fun, that’s a big part of it. Don’t let Paul contaminate those words for you. And his petty spiteful words should be reframed as : “she’ll gravitate to the person who shows he cares about her and values her… as she should”.
You matter.
From ManekiNeko: Sometimes people really don’t understand why some things are so important to us. They lack an understanding of other peoples love language and maybe it can be hard for them to empathise with that.
It sounds like you expressed your needs on more than one occasion and it wasn’t being met. You can’t say that you didn’t try to communicate and that he wasn’t at least on some level aware of your needs.
While Paul may look at this from the outset and think that this was just either a planned thing between you and Sam, it also sounds like from the information you have that Sam just wasn’t having a connection with Bailey. It doesn’t mean that she wasn’t important and he didn’t care about her as a friend, but if it comes to him being uncomfortable about her moving to be with him, then it’s probably a good thing he’s voiced that now rather than risking her moving and finding it even harder to let her know he doesn’t feel that kind of relationship with her.
We all know that people say things in their hurt and even after trying to communicate with Paul, he probably was still taken by surprise. Maybe he will reflect on it one day and come to realise what kind of relationship he wants to be in and what he needs to do to make sure that his next partner is validated.
Perhaps he just hasn’t gotten there yet, and that’s okay, but it’s also okay that you recognise that and know what you need.
You aren’t a villain, you are someone who has a concept of your needs and wants a partner who can at least try to take their part in meeting them.
If anyone’s a villain, it’s Paul. He kind of strung you along while not being willing or perhaps able to support or be present for you emotionally. Actually he sounds a bit lazy and childish. He didn’t mind allowing you to feel rejected because he was emotionally absent, but became upset and lied about you when you wanted to end the relationship.
It always feels uncomfortable to tell someone to take a hike, even when they deserve it. Don’t worry about being “just friends” with him. You don’t need that kind of friend. You did everything right and had the courage to be honest with him. He responded with dishonesty, attempting to sabotage your relationship with someone who’s more emotionally mature.
Your only other option would to be a villain to yourself. Don’t do dat!
I’m glad you hooked up with Sam. You deserve to be in a good relationship.
Firstly (I love you)
I am so so happy that you have found a person that you can open up to, talk to, be honest with and they can do the same with you. THAT is a good start for a good relationship.
What you had with Paul was a disaster waiting to happen, someone that says I know but isnt actually listening, doesnt know a darn thing and prob doesnt care to know as long as you are there when they need you all is good. Of course you did bruise his pride rather and you could have probably saved that by letting him know that it wasnt because of Sam you were ending things it was because he wasnt for you because he needs to find a person who requires little interaction and even less communication, “I know” there is someone out there somewhere.
You are not a villian, you are looking out for yourself, since when is that a bad thing??
I wish you and Sam lots of luck and hope it goes well, you so deserve it. Take care lovely xxxx
Oh Star, I hate how we beat ourselves up for what others do and how we respond. I also hate how we hold onto the criticism and judgements of others and let it define us. So you hold onto what others say and interpret the as “I feel like a villain”. Meanwhile, you hurt from being “unheard” by someone (Paul) who now is doing a bit of gaslighting via your friends. Nice guy.
The fact that you are talking about feeling like a villain after talking with mutual friends about Sam and Bailey? Let me tell you what I think here. I’mma gonna unpack this as I see it - my guess is the friends all thought that Sam and Bailey from another country were a romantic, sweet thing that was so cool. True love online. Something others dream of. How could you? Whelp, you didn’t. Not a bit. Sam seems to know his own mind an emotions. He is responsible for those thoughts and emotions. Not you. If Sam was head over heels in love with Bailey, you wouldn’t have his attention at all. Nope. That relationship wasn’t what your friends thought.
Your relationship with Sam is between you and Sam. Keep it there. Don’t give the friends information that isn’t for them. Explore this new relationship and see where it goes. Without guilt. You sweet friend are not a villain. I keep thinking Paul is like that cool new bra you find at the trendy store. You buy it just to find out that while it looks like it’ll fit, it doesn’t. It doesn’t support you, the wires bite and the straps slip and are never there when you need them. Get rid of it girl.
You are wonderful, amazing. Keep being you and don’t settle. Love you!