I have been kind of shutting out my life and it is something I tend to do when I am not okay. I have been not doing the things I enjoy like coming to HS streams. I havent found the joy I once did in lots it things. I am feeling as tho what I am struggling with doesn’t matter so I am not good enough any more. I feel like I am fading out and that no one cares. I am struggling to see that any of it any more. The light I had before isnt there. The fight to be here is hard. Am I just a faint memory that is soon to be forgotten. I want to be there I want to try but it is too much. I am scared to open up and say it. I have found myself going towards a bad habit to cope in place of going to ones I know I should. I broke a long string (about 9 years) of being substance free and I didnt care. I have found myself leaning on things i shouldnt. I have not been myself for awhile and stuff just keeps getting added on top. I was starting to feel okay just before Christmas and than bang another big thing happens. I feel unsafe in my own skin because my stupid disabilities now make me an easy target (yay for blindness being sucky) I thought I had learned to joke and love it in my own way and now I resent myself because I am this way. On dec 23rd I was out to gonfir an appointment I had but found they were no longer at that location. I didn’t have my guide dog so I was out relying on my sight cane to get around when I was over powered in the spot that use to be the building of my neurologist by the time i realized what was happening the man had me pinned too the floor. All i keep hearing was him saying that i was sweet candy and that he needed his fix. I felt hands moving and just began to cry I couldn’t do anything to get him off as I was trapped. I didnt have a working phone because it had died just minutes earlier and I hadn’t had a chance to charge it. I also was not able due to him being so suddenly there get my keys out which have a sharp defense tool on them for protection. I have been struggling to tell any one because I am so ashamed I cant stand up for myself. That I cant do that or be independent enough to go to an appointment so why dont I just slide into the background and be forgotten than it leaves no one missing me. Maybe if that can happen it wont be hard on the world if I wasnt here.
Deep down I am in a dark place and I feel alone. My appointment with my therapist got cancelled than never rescheduled (she cancelled it). And even when I see her I use every possibly chance to exit the conversation about this. If I do bring up the abuse or anything of the matter we dont discuss it. I feel like it isnt really helping. I get a lot out if the sessions fir other reasons but not the ones that currently seem impossible. I also dont have as good insurance coverage so I cant afford to keep going. I just feel doomed to be where I am right now. So what’s the use.