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Feeling like I am fading away

I have been kind of shutting out my life and it is something I tend to do when I am not okay. I have been not doing the things I enjoy like coming to HS streams. I havent found the joy I once did in lots it things. I am feeling as tho what I am struggling with doesn’t matter so I am not good enough any more. I feel like I am fading out and that no one cares. I am struggling to see that any of it any more. The light I had before isnt there. The fight to be here is hard. Am I just a faint memory that is soon to be forgotten. I want to be there I want to try but it is too much. I am scared to open up and say it. I have found myself going towards a bad habit to cope in place of going to ones I know I should. I broke a long string (about 9 years) of being substance free and I didnt care. I have found myself leaning on things i shouldnt. I have not been myself for awhile and stuff just keeps getting added on top. I was starting to feel okay just before Christmas and than bang another big thing happens. I feel unsafe in my own skin because my stupid disabilities now make me an easy target (yay for blindness being sucky) I thought I had learned to joke and love it in my own way and now I resent myself because I am this way. On dec 23rd I was out to gonfir an appointment I had but found they were no longer at that location. I didn’t have my guide dog so I was out relying on my sight cane to get around when I was over powered in the spot that use to be the building of my neurologist by the time i realized what was happening the man had me pinned too the floor. All i keep hearing was him saying that i was sweet candy and that he needed his fix. I felt hands moving and just began to cry I couldn’t do anything to get him off as I was trapped. I didnt have a working phone because it had died just minutes earlier and I hadn’t had a chance to charge it. I also was not able due to him being so suddenly there get my keys out which have a sharp defense tool on them for protection. I have been struggling to tell any one because I am so ashamed I cant stand up for myself. That I cant do that or be independent enough to go to an appointment so why dont I just slide into the background and be forgotten than it leaves no one missing me. Maybe if that can happen it wont be hard on the world if I wasnt here.

Deep down I am in a dark place and I feel alone. My appointment with my therapist got cancelled than never rescheduled (she cancelled it). And even when I see her I use every possibly chance to exit the conversation about this. If I do bring up the abuse or anything of the matter we dont discuss it. I feel like it isnt really helping. I get a lot out if the sessions fir other reasons but not the ones that currently seem impossible. I also dont have as good insurance coverage so I cant afford to keep going. I just feel doomed to be where I am right now. So what’s the use.

Ash

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Ashe, I’m really sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. And I’m so sorry for the things you have had to live and experience. It’s so awful. Nobody should have to be invaded like that.
Friend, I have so much love for you. I wish that there was something I could say to make this all better. I think that you should really try to work on trying to open up with your therapist. I know it’s hard to. Its never easy sharing these things. But it’s so important to allow our therapists to help us work through these traumas. Don’t take this burden on all alone, love.

As far as the rest. I can relate to everything you started off with. The disconnect, the loss of joy in the things you once loved. The struggle. I’ve been hiding under a heavy heart and have tried to be really careful about where I share it. It gets pretty lonely when we do that.

I wish I could wrap my arms around you right now and show you how loved you are. How appreciated you are. Please try to talk to your therapist okay? I hate seeing you hurting.

love love love love.

  • Kitty

Kitty
Thank you. Sadly a lot is going into play with the therapist. I dont know that I can afford to keep going. I have also brought up the past and legit she was like aw okay and moved on to a topic of a different matter i believe she asked how it was going with my disability case and it sucks because it felt like it was dissmissable and I wanted to discuss it. I just dont know. I like her she is great and all but when I bring something up it feels like I am not discussing that but always other things she chooses.
Before with my old therapist I bring up a topic and we would dive into it. Currently I feel like I go in there and stay for like 25 minutes or less and am rushed out.

Ah, yea I can totally understand the financial side of it. That I understand all to well. Its rough. That’s why I can’t go. Though I need it. I’m really sorry friend

As far as the rest, should you decide to keep going, maybe trying to express what you just said to her could be a good thing? Or considering a new therapist? I had to change mine because the ones before my last one before I lost my insurance were not working. I didn’t like their approach or how they spoke to me. Sometimes it felt like they were talking down to me. And how they handed things did not feel good.

Therapy can be stressful because it takes time finding someone that works well. But it can be worth it.

But I get the struggle of not being able to afford it. I know I need to be seeing one, but I have to find ways to come through my hardships on my own. Thankfully we have good people surrounding us that help with encouragement. But it can be very hard finding that balance. Especially when you have such heavy hurts that you have had to take on.

Like I said. I love you very much. You have a friend that cares. <3

Thank you friend. Ya I am trying to find the balances of stuff and allow myself to just deal. But it is eating me. If I can get stuff worked out I can start back with a new therapist soon I hope. But we will see. Thank you friend

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Heya Ash.

I am so sorry to hear about this. Do know that your not alone and continue fighting.

Thank you for sharing. And once again, I’m so sorry this happened to you!

Love ya

•Darian/Otter

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Hi @disabledmetalfan,

I know you shared on the SW a few weeks earlier and you also reached out on Discord. We don’t know each other but for what it’s worth I just wanted to tell you that I noticed those messages even though I didn’t reply. And I know I’m not the only one, just by seeing the kind replies of our wonderful @DearKoyangi and @DarianHalliday here. :slight_smile: I personally didn’t reply at the moment because what you shared before hits home and I didn’t feel like I could say something useful. Not justifyng anything/ I know there’s no problem. Just wanted to put a bit of context first.

So… Thank you. For sharing and honoring us with your story, what’s going on in your life and what you feel. You are not invisible and fading away. But I understand why it feels like this. When your own intimacy has been impacted, when you are processing traumatic memories, it’s normal to have this need or, at least, this tendency to isolate yourself even though you want to be supported by others. I tend to do this too, and I can also reject others pretty quickly when closeness makes me feel vulnerable. It’s hard to keep reaching out, to keep doing what you appreciate, to keep being there when deep inside you feel alone and uncomfortable.

Despite this, you’re here. You actually posted this message, which is freaking awesome. Please know that you’re not alone. You’re seen, you’re heard, truly, and cared for sincerely. I hope you will regain this safety that you need right now. And I hope this community will keep being a great support to you. You have friends here. And I know we never really had the occasion to discuss, but my DMs are always open to you as well.

I see your replies here. Your inner light is still here, bright and beautiful. It might be a bit diminished by the darkness you encounter these days. But I can tell that it is still shining like a real gem.

Also I’m sorry about what happened on December. There’s no word to describe how awful it is and my heart goes to you. This kind of situation shouldn’t happen at all, never. Please, don’t be ashamed for this. It wasn’t your fault. Disabilities, whatever they are, are not about you having something less. It’s about this world that is not adapted enough to our singularities, whether it’s physical or emotional ones. And sadly there will always be people who’ll try to take advantage of others no matter what. And I’ve gotta say, even outside having disabilities or not, we can be easily scared and unable to do anything in such circumstances. Anyway: it wasn’t your fault. Beating yourself up isn’t needed nor wanted right now. :heart:

I mean this. You are you. You are enough.

Also it sounds that your therapist isn’t really listening to you, as you mentioned bringing up subjects they dismissed. If you feel like it isn’t helping, maybe a change of therapist is indeed needed. Or, at least, maybe try to express this difficulty with them, how it makes you feel? If they deny or reject it, then you’ll know communication is almost impossible with them. On the financial side, I really hope everything’s gonna be okay for you. If you’d like to, let us know how it goes.

Take care. Sending much love your way. :heart:

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