I don’t know what’s going on with me, I just can’t seem to get a grip on anything. I’m trying so hard to get my shit together but it seems like every time I take a step forward I go 10 backwards. I’ve been doing good working full time and taking 4 classes but now I’m scared I’m gonna fail one so I need to go ahead and withdraw from it and I just feel like a failure. All this stress just keeps getting to me and I can’t get out of my head to even get anything done. It doesn’t help that tomorrow will be 2 years since my sister passed away. I keep finding ways to self medicate and all it does is make matters worse…
4 Likes
Hello Friend,
I too know what its like to feel like a failure… Everything about it sucks. But I’m sure there are so many people that think you are doing great, fantastic things.
For example, 4 classes!? that is tough work for anyone! Let alone during this time when everything has to be done online. If needed, drop that class, you will be able to get back to it when this is all over and/or when the other three classes are complete.
Also, if you do drop that class, you could use that time that you would normally use for that class, to find something that you can do daily to de-stress yourself. I have been able to find a couple things to do with friends that help me. Talking, playing games, listening to music, working out. doesn’t matter, whatever work for you,.
Keep your head up friend, things will get better. People are here if you need to talk more.
Stay safe!
3 Likes
Hey @Yarboroughlauren,
You’re doing your best, you’re doing what you can, and it’s all that matters. 
That feeling of moving forward, having to spend an insane amount of energy to just take one step, then going backwards pretty quickly… I know that feeling too well. Like no matter what you do, what you try, it never seems to be enough. It’s frustrating and discouraging to be in that place. Though, sometimes it make us be unfair with ourselves. You’re actually doing a lot! But how you feel right now has to be understood, so you can think about making some changes in your life or shifting your perspective.
-
Do you think, objectively, that maybe working full time + 4 classes could be too much for you right now? There would be nothing to be ashamed of if the response is “yes”. I know too well that sometimes we put a lot of pressure, objectives, expectations on ourselves that only make us feel very stressed and disappointed. Really, I’m quite an expert in doing this… and I sabotaged myself too many times because my own standards were too high. And sometimes we just need to reframe our goals. Because our well being is not an option. It’s actually needed to do what we want.
-
Also, what are your concrete objectives? What would be a mark of achievement for you (like for today, this week, this month)? Is it easy to identify or something a bit vague, foggy? Sometimes we also feel like a failure because we don’t have a clear direction. So we navigate between our own expectations, without any concrete goal, and it is indeed stressful.
-
Finally, if one day you’d be able to say “I accomplished what I wanted”, would this validation come from others, yourself, or both? You are always doing something, every day, and you can celebrate even the victories that seem very small to you. It takes practice! For sure. But it’s worth it. You’re absolutely not a failure, friend.
There’s an exercice on the SW that could be interesting/helpful to you to think about the standards that are driving you and how to acknowledge that your worth goes beyond them:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/what-i-have-to-offer-is-meaningless-who-i-am-is-worthless/14153
Also, not ignoring what you said at the end of your message at all:
It doesn’t help that tomorrow will be 2 years since my sister passed away. I keep finding ways to self medicate and all it does is make matters worse…
Friend, I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel that with all my heart. I lost my brother, and it’s been two years since last February. I know those days are just painful reminders to us. Grief is hard, insanely hard. And it’s different for everyone. But what is sure is that you are still holding in your heart the love that you have for your sister. It’s precious, priceless.
I don’t know if you would feel ready for that, but I personally like the idea of appropriating those difficult days to ourselves. As a way to celebrate a person, the good memories, the moments we spent with them. Is there something you could do tomorrow to reconnect to those memories, to her? Something that was meaningful for you two. It doesn’t delete the pain, the tears, of course. And I wasn’t ready to do that myself yet. But for example, I hope one year I’ll just be able to watch this TV show my brother recommended me for so long (but never took the time to watch), and eat an ice-cream that is related to a very positive/joyful memory with him. It’s not a lot. But I like the idea of creating our own rituals during those triggering days, as a way to regain some peace and reconnect to the love we’re holding in our heart. Maybe it would be something you’d appreciate too?
I’m also glad you’re aware that self-medication is not a healthy solution. I really want to encourage you to reach out to a doctor right now, if you haven’t yet, and let them know about it. You’re aware that this has to be changed. Use that energy to make the right decisions for yourself, friend. You deserve tons of love and support. You have the right to ask for help. It’s also part of being strong to rely on others sometimes. And here we want you to be okay, to be safe, to take the steps forwards that will lead you to your well-being, progressively.
Hold fast. 
1 Like
Thats a lot to take on. Working full time and 4 jobs. I can certainly understand how that would feel stressful and overwhelming. Friend, you are not a failure. Just take some time to reflect on what you feel is the better choice for you. See if you can write out some pros and cons of the options you have and go with what most makes sense for you.
I’m so sorry about the lost of your sister. It makes sense that since it’s the time of year where you lost someone, that you would be more stressed, emotional and distracted. It’s okay to take time to grieve. To do what you need to do, to get through that. It is okay.
When you say self medicate to you mean healthy medications? Or do you mean other self destructive ways?
Be sure to be gentle with yourself friend. You are doing the best you can. You are trying. <3
Stay strong
~Kitty
1 Like
Thank you so much! I decided to drop the class and I’m pretty bummed about it but I did spend the night just listening to music and trying to focus on my other classes.
1 Like
Thank you and sadly in destructive ways to help make the pain go away…
You may be bummed now, but you will be happy later when you succeed in the other classes, and have some free time where the last class would have been! You got this!
1 Like
Be gentle with yourself friend. Okay?
Reach out if you’re feeling the need to self harm or do destructive things.
Sending you love.