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Feeling like I'm going to suffer an emotional breakdown


#1

For the last three or four days I’ve been experiencing anxiety way more than usual. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to get back on my medication after accidentally being off it for awhile, but I don’t know. I’m a Christian, but my faith has been little to no comfort to me. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I read my bible, my anxiety never goes away. I have Asperger’s and view things, the world, and my faith, differently than everyone else. All my life, even before I knew of my diagnosis, I sensed I was different from everyone else. But I didn’t realize how different until I reached my teens, and especially after I graduated high school seven years ago. Around the same time, I became a Christian personally, but even then, I’ve never felt as though I belong. A lot of things about faith that Christians take comfort in just rub me the wrong way.

I’m very shy and introverted, so I don’t really have any friends. I’ve also never dated and I’m 25 years old (shocking, I know). That said, in a way, I should consider myself “blessed.” I grew up in a middle-class loving Christian family, I was never abused, I never went to wild parties or drank or did drugs or sleep around. And yet, I feel guilty for how blessed I’ve been. How can I be practically living in luxury when the world around me just seems irreparably broken? This feeling of guilt tends to paralyze me from doing anything about it, because I already feel powerless.

Another big thing that contributes to my anxiety is that I’m very empathetic, such to a degree that it’s very easy for me to feel emotional distress, whether that be extreme sadness over someone suffering or enraged anger at the person making them suffer, sometimes both. I know how valuable empathy is, but sometimes, I wish I didn’t have it. For one thing, I have a friend who lives in Scandinavia. She has Asperger’s like me. But her “parents” verbally and emotionally abuse her, and yell at her and each other a lot. The final straw for me was them claiming they were divorcing over her, calling her all sorts of awful names. I may be a Christian, but I do believe grace does have its limits. If I were in front of her parents, I would slap them both HARD in the face and tell them they are selfish, cruel, miserable excuses for human beings, and that their daughter deserves actual parents rather than a [email protected] and a b*tch.

Not to mention, I’m a history nerd, but the more you study history, the more you realize how truly evil human beings can be to one another. Some people truly see other human beings as just pieces of meat to be experimented on and abused. I’m not gonna get involved in an apologetics conversation, but let me just say, I have three young nephews and a niece. They’re innocent and blissfully unaware. But I dread the days when they come to learn, either in school or just educating themselves, how utterly and completely fallen this world is.

I will admit, sometimes I unintentionally indulge in my emotional distress. I’m not always aware of it, and when I’m into it, it’s hard for me to stop. I don’t know what to do about it. There’ve been evenings when I’ve ranted and cried. I’ve been to counseling, my family knows about my problems and supports me, but no matter how hard I try to make friends or try to get into my faith like everyone else does, I always feel alone. Truly, no one I know understands how hard it sometimes is to be an Aspie. I didn’t ask to be born this way, I didn’t ask to be born at all. I feel as though I’m too much and not enough at the same time. I live in a world where I feel like my faith won’t let me enjoy the “world” and the “world” won’t let me enjoy my faith.

My story is a long one, but I’ve done the best to keep it short. I’ve never had suicidal inclinations, but sometimes I wonder if it truly is better to be an adult than a child. Often I feel older than my age and more jaded, and I wonder if I’ve just lived too long. All I want to know is that there’s at least one person who’ll at least read this and let me know they have. Just listening (or reading) is sometimes enough.


#2

Hello!! Well let me start off by saying, I’m blessed to hear that you know about the Lord! And friend God’s Grace is limitLESS, God doesn’t limit us on his grace, that’s the beauty of it. We can ask Him for Grace anytime, all the time… And friend we are apart of the world, and we may live IN it, but we re NOT OF it, we’re not living FOR the world. Because all the world offers is destruction, we don’t find joy in the world, we find that joy in which only HE gives… Our faith, Christianity is a personal relationship with Jesus, we can’t have a relationship with God BASED off of others faith, it’s your own personal love with him. The Bible says we have to “Taste and see the goodness of God”, in meaning we have to experience him, we have to experience what others are talking about when they talk about their joy… I grew up in the ghetto where a lot of stuff happens, my mom used to be a believer and backslid, my dad has never experienced God, he’s never been saved. My brother is a believer as well but he lives in a dorm at a college and goes to church over there, my sister JUST came back to God, so I’m the one standing in the gap for them, my dads never treated my mom nice, but as hard as it is, we have to show grace, and forgiveness and love. I have to be that example towards them. I serve on the worship team at my church, what a privilege I have, so I have the responsibility to show the love of Christ to a broken home… Being a Christian isn’t easy, a lot of people think that when you get saved it’s all pink unicorns and rainbows when that’s DEFINITELY NOT the case, we’re all still human and we have our struggles, but we have to fight through, with Christ by our side. Once you got saved and gave your life to Christ, you declared WAR with the enemy that he’s NEVER gonna win because he has no power over you. God has the power above all… I’m sorry if I was all over the place, I was trying my best to explain, but I’m known as a person who’s terrible at explaining things…but I understand what your saying completely!!


#3

I’m filled with not just a lot of anxiety, but fear. Seriously, why should I be so fortunate to be born where and when I was? My empathy fatigue sometimes is just overwhelming, and there are few Christian resources that cover it. It makes me feel like I’m gonna lose my mind.


#4

I’m just at a loss on what to do. X_(


#5

There’s the problem. I can’t experience God the way others can. I know. I’ve tried.

Relationships for me have always been a mystery, and considering I can’t see, hear, or touch God, it’s very, very hard for me to conceive of him as a person. Truth be told, I honestly don’t know if I can ever truly love God. Sometimes, I honestly live in fear of him. I wish I didn’t, but I do.

As much as I empathize easily though, there are certain types of people (those who commit grievous, atrocious sin) that I hope burn and fry.


#6

We have to experience God our own way, we don’t have to experience him the way others do. As I said before, it’s our personal relationship with Him. That’s the Beauty! Wow!! We can have a PERSONAL relationship with God! The King! The Creator! He’s ready for you with arms open wide, he STILL loves you, regardless of how you feel of him… And the Bible says we are to live in fear of God! How crazy is that! So your doing the right thing friend!! The Bible says “it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God, but it is also a fearful thing to NOT be in the hands of a living God.” And that’s because, we we fall into Gods hands, he has power over us now, he can give and he can take away, he’s the author and finisher of our lives, but STILL is a LOVING God. It is also a fearful thing to not be in his hands because, when we live for the world, all it has to offer is evil, the Bible says the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy.


#7

No, I mean I’m afraid of him. That’s why I’m a Christian. I want to survive.

Personal relationship means nothing to me if you don’t communicate beyond spiritual emails (the bible). It also means nothing if you just tell me you love me but never show it.

I feel like the intense emotions I experience as someone with Asperger’s is an emotional burden I never asked to carry. If anything, it feels almost like I’ve been violated. And it never ends…

And to be honest, I really don’t look forward to heaven, at all. Why do you think we fear death? We don’t know what happens after that. We Christians say we know because we have the bible, but it’s not as if anyone we know personally has ever come back to report on it. This world may seriously suck sometimes, but it’s at least familiar. I’m also a finite creature, so I can’t conceive of living forever, and things I can’t conceive of terrify me.

And by the way, I believe God is sovereign, but not in the way everyone thinks. Adam and Eve were given the right to rule the world, and when they fell, they gave that right to Satan. Unless God describes a certain trait about himself, we must take all human talk about him, even in the bible, with a grain of salt. That doesn’t mean it’s not inspired, it just means these people could get God wrong like we do. God does not “give and take away.” God gives and Satan takes away.


#8

And don’t you DARE tell me I’m not saved. I MEANT it when I said the “sinner’s prayer,” so much so that I prayed it three times.

I’m a Christian but I feel like a fraud. I have none of the things Christians are supposed to have. Joy? Peace? None of it. There’s only the emotional distress I feel day and night, so much so that I can barely sleep, and that I can never escape, no matter how much I pray.

Maybe I am filled with anger and fear, but I feel like my innocence has been stolen against my will. At the very least, I could’ve had the ability to objectively tell right from wrong yet emotionally disengage at will, but no. It’s like watching someone die in a gas chamber yet viewing it through glass, unable to do anything, unable to help…

I CAN’T TAKE IT!!! :cold_sweat::sob::sob::sob:


#9

If God can’t handle me at my absolute lowest, when I’m furious, and when it hurts just to hope and believe this world isn’t completely f*cked beyond repair, then I don’t want him.


#10

I NEVER said you weren’t saved. By what your telling me, I don’t doubt that at all. Haha I did say I’m known as a person who’s terrible at explaining things…I’m praying for you! And love you! Hope things get better :slight_smile:


#11

Father, I feel traumatized, and I’ve never even experienced actual trauma. I feel I have nowhere to go. It’s like despair has a hold on me and happiness is something I don’t deserve. I’m filled with anger and fear and I honestly feel betrayed by you. That said, even though I don’t know if I can ever really love you, you’re all I have. I need healing, Father. The grieving never stops. The pain never stops. The fear and anger and emotional distress that makes me feel like I’ve been violated. It never stops. Father, something right now is better than nothing. If I do eventually tell someone, let it be someone who won’t ridicule me or tell me “Oh, everything will be fine.” Honestly, I don’t know what I want, except help.

I pray this in Jesus’s name, Amen.


#12

Hello friend! I am also autistic.
I can relate to SO much of this post. For years I battled with my relationship with God and the church. My mind thinks and works so differently than everyone else, so I absorb and receive information and things very differently than most people. Often things of the faith are hard for me to really grasp and connect to because I think so literally and always thrive for answers. I try to understand things and how they function. How they exist. With religion, it has been very hard for me to wrap my mind around everything and often had too many questions that people couldn’t answer and left me feeling very alone. I guess I’ve made some people uncomfortable because I wanted to ask questions so I could better understand and they didn’t know how to give me the answers I needed.

I understand the feeling of feeling like you don’t belong. And I understand how things can “rub you the wrong way” or just be hard to understand and grasp. Especially when so often things don’t feel like they make sense. I’ve been down that spiral.

I’m awkward, have a lot of anxiety and struggle making friends. So I am also very introverted. I have a very small circle of friends. Just a couple people Im close to. And honestly for me I like it that way because Im terrible at keeping up with friendships. I become overwhelmed and push away.

Anyway. Just know that there is someone out there who can relate to SOME of what you are feeling. Who can kinda understand what comes with being an autistic and having Asperger’s. I recently did a group with some other women that also have ASD and it kinda helped get me out of the house and be social. I’m not best friends with these ladies or anything. In fact they are a lot younger than me so its hard to be as connected, but the point was it helped me be interactive with other people. Very especially with people like myself.

I am a very empathetic as well. So I also understand the emotional distress and heavily feeling for others. Especially those close to me. I can be hit very hard. It’s just because I care. I know how overwhelming it can be sometimes.

As far as our fallen world. Just another place that I can relate to and understand. We live in a cruel world. And a world that is also not always very accepting of people that are different or have disabilities. Or people who have things like Autism. It’s been hard trying to find understanding and acceptance in our society. Very especially with how backwards so many things are. It IS scary.

Anyway. This is getting long. I just want you to know that I hear you. I see you. And so much of what you say is so much of how I feel now or have felt at some point in my life. And for many years. So many things you say are things that I just felt lost in.

And while I can’t resolve how you are feeling and take away everything that feels wrong, I just want you to know that you have a friend that cares. And I hope that you can find some peace with all of this. I know those emotional break downs. Be gentle with yourself. <3 Do anything that you need to find a brain gentle place that you can find comfort in. I am in the discord you are always welcome to add me.


#13

Thank you very much.

To be honest, I don’t know if it’s because I’m close again to having my “monthly trial” as I call it. Or if it’s because I’m trying to readjust to this medication I took for awhile, but then accidentally stopped taking it. But I consider it a learning experience. When I was on it more consistently I could better compartmentalize things and in that way try to emotionally disconnect (I don’t have a better way to prove it).


#14

@MaskedPrincess

How can this community and I help you?


#15

I don’t know. Sometimes I just need a listening ear. Talking things out helps me to put them in perspective.


#16

@MaskedPrincess

Absolutely. You have the right to ask anyone to listen to you.


#17

Thank you. Thank you very much.


#18

I pray for you and your anxiety. I want you to remember that you aren’t alone. God loves you and so do we. Faith is tricky but its in the tough times we find him.


#19

I’ve literally gotten no sleep last night.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, but I feel like no one will understand. I want to love God, but I’m afraid of him. And I don’t exactly want Jesus to return yet.

Whenever I look at a prophecy that seems even remotely true, I’m like, “Oh no!”

Seriously though, I know I’m saved and all that. But I feel like I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of leaving behind everything that’s familiar if Jesus does come back in my lifetime. I’m afraid of the idea of living forever. And the thought of meeting God himself just seriously TERRIFIES me!

:cold_sweat::cry::sob:


#20

If there’s anyone out there who can hear me. Please. I need to talk this out…