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Feeling LIke The Laughing Stock

I’ve been struggling so much with how others value me.

I know this is a storm over my head like any BPD flair up is. But this one is raining incredibly hard.

I feel like people interact with me out of a guilt to do so. I have come and gone from people’s lives so often that it must be exhausting to have me re enter. I feel draining to others.

They’re big kids capable of making their own choices, but to feel like I am an inconvenience, or someone they pity. That sucks.

Like, you know how some people are so good that they are great to everyone. Even if they dont like them much?

Im the guy they’re nice to - Im not “the worst”.

But I’m a lot.

Like I said, this is all just fleeting. Undoubtedly in 5 days this will pass, as it always does.

But for today it is a black hole, consuming all of my thoughts and energy.

Just sucks to always feel on the outside shouting “hey guys what about me”.

Is it worth it to even repair the bridges that I think need mending?

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Hey Dyllon. I’m super proud of you for opening up here <3
I know right now that it feels like you have to shout to get people to notice you, but you have a community of people right here that sees you and loves you. I don’t know how many times your name comes up in HS related streams for one reason or another… More often than not, when it does chat just lights up with comments like “Oh I love Dyllon” or “Dyllon’s awesome”. I’m grateful that you know this is just a flair up and that it will get easier soon… However, right now, it’s totally okay for you to feel this way and lean on the people that are around you, because I can tell you with 100% confidence, that there are people like Ashni, Dan, Casey, myself and many others who will be able to fight those lies along side you.

If people keep dropping you over and over, they’re not worth losing sleep over. It’s them that is missing out, not you.

I love you!

Hold Fast
Kayla

Hey @DyllonKG

I can only talk from my own perspective and also just by knowing you online, not “IRL” - even though it’s not less real. So I’m sorry if maybe it’s a bit off-topic (?).

As for HS streams, I’ve been a lurker on your streams for almost a year before I managed to write on chat. Just because of anxiety and stuff. And what I saw is that through the interactions you have with others, it is obvious to me that you are truly respected. Not just for what you do, but for who you are. You are a smart, wise, kind-hearted, caring and beautiful person. The community you created is a unique place where people can be honest and feel safe. Where they can be part of something that goes beyond their own individuality. And more than anything, you actually allowed people to meet the wonderful human being that you are. This doesn’t inspire pity at all. Only respect and a profound admiration.

I’ve been wondering how it feels when you’re a streamer and you’re part of the lives of so many people at the same time. As people see you through a camera, I guess you might receive sollicitations a bit from everyone and regularly. And I can only imagine that sometimes it can feel like there is a lack of reciprocity. Like if people seem less interested in you, in how you’re doing, than what you can actually offer to them.

I don’t know if this feeling that you have is general or related to some specific relationships. And I don’t know if someone actually told you something that makes you think this way. But you know already that it’s impossible that everyone would interact with you out of a guilt to do so. Even though it’s pretty hard to fight against this kind of thought/fear.

The expectations we have towards others and the way we are perceived by them can take a lot of space in any relationship. Sometimes too much. And I guess that when you’re struggling with this kind of doubts, then it’s important to focus only on the relationships that you deeply value. I mean… it’s okay to have relationships that are superficial as long as long as there are people in your life who doesn’t even need explanations to understand how you feel. You know, this kind of person with whom you can just sit and doesn’t say anything, but yet you’re having a conversation.

When you say that you feel like you’re draining to others for re-entering in their life, I guess the best way to know that is to ask them. Not because you would need some kind of reassurance, but because honesty is a mark of mutual respect. And depending on other’s reaction, you can actually see if it’s worth it or not to repair those bridges.

It’s certainly not the same, but I’ve personally always felt like this with my sister. She’s this kind of person who says that she loves you but doesn’t ever seem to be interested in you and what’s going on in your life. I’m always the one who has to do the first step to talk or decide to see each other, and for a long time I thought that I was annoying to her just by asking “hey, what’s up?”. She never criticized me or rejected me in any way. But our relationship never had this level of closeness that I wish we could have, as I cherish and value her a lot. With time, I realized that my expectations were too high and that we have different ways to express ourselves and our feelings. And somehow, she made me realize that I value close/”real” relationships a lot and I’m unable to have superficial friendships because I can’t fake being interested in someone if I’m not. So it wasn’t about who I am as a person but what I expect from my relationships, which is pretty different.

I bet there are people in your life who sincerely care about you, even if they’re not around all the time. I bet those people know you truly, from what you accepted to share with them of course, and they feel blessed to be part of your life. So even if your present doubts and fears are only temporary, try not to let them make you lose sight of the relationships that are already fulfilling your heart with love. Just because each relationship is unique. And if some people feel the need to just be polite with you then it’s their loss.

Anyway, whether your fears are based on particular facts or not, you deserve to be respected. You are a diamond shining brightly in so many people’s lives. And again, we didn’t have the occasion to discuss a lot together, but from what I saw already I can tell that you are seen and sincerely loved by many people. Not as a random guy who seem to be friendly, not as they would like to perceive you, but as a unique person who is a treasure to this world.

Much love to you.
-Microsmos

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