Feeling like you messed everything up

I’m back after Trevar took the front role for me… it’s been a though time for me.

I got caught by my parents being on discord, Trevar was fronting at the time because we were testing out willing switches and I wanted to see the extent of our symptoms. Trevar though put me back on from though and the next thing that happened was a big set of emotions. My parents barely listen, I was really happy to talk to people who were like me, I felt less alone experience wise… I also found a group with the same spiritual ideals and I felt right at home. But now that’s gone, my parents wanted me to be with the youth group people. Even though the only thing they relatively do in effect is help my ever needing satisfaction for attention and care.

I personally wasn’t able to forge a strong bond with them except for one, but besides that I never was so close to the teens in the group. But I shut my mouth and agreed, even though I never want to. I’m scared, I’m scared to say what I truly think because they don’t listen to me fully. My emotions feel as if they are ignored or brushed off, they sometimes have a good idea on things but relatively they jump to conclusions and don’t listen to me.

My mother of course, out of everyone reacted rather badly. She doesn’t like discord due to past drama about it between her and my older sister. She yelled about “not having discord under this roof” and “how can you be so careless after what happened” I don’t know how to feel. I just, don’t know anymore. It’s all a complex set of emotions.

Why am I here? Why is this happening? I just want to disappear I don’t want them upset but I’m hurting so bad, is my hurting causing them pain?

I just want to talk to people, new groups, youth group didn’t really cut it, it feeds my social hunger but it never forged a friendship, I don’t know anymore. I just disappeared…

The next thing that happened is I dissociated and next thing you know Trevar fronted, talked to my boyfriend, and…well to put it simply shocked him. And this is the first switch with an alter that got into contact with someone, I just wish it wasn’t my boyfriend. I can’t blame them, they are an individual and such and I sorta disappeared because of what happened with my parents but… I feel like I fucked up, I can tell this is bothering him and I fucked up, I was too stupid and let ourselves be on discord for too long, and got caught. I ruined everything, I ruin everything. I can’t keep a single relationship with my mouth shut and not blabbering garbage that makes me lose them. I lost someone I deeply cared, more so than my youth minister, o lost someone I deeply loved Im sure. I fucked up, I ruined it all. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I fucked up.

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Then, track that freind down, no matter what! Never give up! I have lost freinds that way, and I tried so hard, I have found someone again! I was on a website where I made freinds, and my parents made me leave! But I returned in secret! So I could talk to my freinds again! and I did not give up and I think that you should not, either. You should not give up at any cost. Even when it seems like you can never go back. there is still a possibility. You should go on Discord in secret, or do something like that.

I can’t, they track my every move with a tracker app on my computer, they see whatever I do on their phone, even if I do incognito they still see everything, I can’t download apps onto my phone without their permission so I’m stuck.

Oh no…

I am going to try to figure out a way out of that for you. I promise.

I get you would like to help but please do not stress yourself out! I shouldn’t make you worry when you yourself have your own issues, your health is first for you not mine.

I will be okay…
I will try to think of a way and I don’t think it will stress me out.

No, they’re causing YOU pain. Fuck them man, I can’t say ik how to help, but I’m tired of asshoels like that. In the end you just say “fuck it” and stop caring.

I am glad though my boyfriend just needed space because it was new territory and we discussed and found a good level. But my parents…, I would not speak so highly of them.

Sometimes family isn’t really who we need in life. Sometimes they’re bad

So, your parents don’t want Discord under your roof, but you caught them on it. I don’t know what to say about that. The problem with youth groups is that they can do more harm than good, if there is not an experienced therapist or similar professional in the room. That’s because young people quite often don’t know how to respond, when others share their pain or frustration. Those who are not experiencing the problems you are, may feel that those issues are no big deal, or it’s real easy to overcome them, as long as you do as they advise you. It’s also true, that among young people are many who jump to conclusions or ignore emotions. There’s no point in holding it against them. They simply don’t know any better.

As difficult as it is to deal with, you might as well remind yourself, that your mother’s bad reactions, or decisions that you feel are mistakes, are based on what she thinks she is doing for the best. And yes, your hurting probably does cause them pain, as I suspect they not only care about you, but they also feel as though they are failing you because they are unable to prevent the pain. Still, probably the worst thing you can do, is to totally hide your pain. Suppressed feelings lead to anxiety, depression, and even physical manifestations. Hopefully there is someone around that you can share your feelings with. If not, you can come here and do it.

It sounds as though you still withdraw into yourself, in other words, “disappear,” when interactions with others are problematic. It sounds pretty complicated, craving friendships and support, while also disassociating and disappearing, because you feel as though you “fucked up.” Well, everybody fucks up. Overcoming the consequences of fucking up, is a lifetime project. However, you are far too young to “ruin everything.” You might ruin everything for a day, or maybe even a month, but from a larger perspective, little by little, you are learning what mistakes not to repeat. If you feel as though you fucked up in a relationship, talk to the other person about it. Hiding from the issue or disappearing, will only make the situation worse. I think you might find that you will not “blabber garbage,” that much, as long as you are being honest and sincere.

A feeling of belonging is a pretty basic human need. People want to feel cared for. Attention seeking, at least in part has to do with gaining the feeling that others consider you worth listening to. When it comes to fulfilling emotional needs, one of the best ways to do it is to give that which you wish to receive. For example, if you want to feel nurtured, do what you can to nurture others. Listen to others carefully and without judgment. Take an interest in others, and they will enjoy being around you.

I found this website through Discord, So it can’t be all bad. What are the spiritual ideals that you share with these other people? As far as getting caught on Discord, stop getting caught!

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