I’m back after Trevar took the front role for me… it’s been a though time for me.
I got caught by my parents being on discord, Trevar was fronting at the time because we were testing out willing switches and I wanted to see the extent of our symptoms. Trevar though put me back on from though and the next thing that happened was a big set of emotions. My parents barely listen, I was really happy to talk to people who were like me, I felt less alone experience wise… I also found a group with the same spiritual ideals and I felt right at home. But now that’s gone, my parents wanted me to be with the youth group people. Even though the only thing they relatively do in effect is help my ever needing satisfaction for attention and care.
I personally wasn’t able to forge a strong bond with them except for one, but besides that I never was so close to the teens in the group. But I shut my mouth and agreed, even though I never want to. I’m scared, I’m scared to say what I truly think because they don’t listen to me fully. My emotions feel as if they are ignored or brushed off, they sometimes have a good idea on things but relatively they jump to conclusions and don’t listen to me.
My mother of course, out of everyone reacted rather badly. She doesn’t like discord due to past drama about it between her and my older sister. She yelled about “not having discord under this roof” and “how can you be so careless after what happened” I don’t know how to feel. I just, don’t know anymore. It’s all a complex set of emotions.
Why am I here? Why is this happening? I just want to disappear I don’t want them upset but I’m hurting so bad, is my hurting causing them pain?
I just want to talk to people, new groups, youth group didn’t really cut it, it feeds my social hunger but it never forged a friendship, I don’t know anymore. I just disappeared…
The next thing that happened is I dissociated and next thing you know Trevar fronted, talked to my boyfriend, and…well to put it simply shocked him. And this is the first switch with an alter that got into contact with someone, I just wish it wasn’t my boyfriend. I can’t blame them, they are an individual and such and I sorta disappeared because of what happened with my parents but… I feel like I fucked up, I can tell this is bothering him and I fucked up, I was too stupid and let ourselves be on discord for too long, and got caught. I ruined everything, I ruin everything. I can’t keep a single relationship with my mouth shut and not blabbering garbage that makes me lose them. I lost someone I deeply cared, more so than my youth minister, o lost someone I deeply loved Im sure. I fucked up, I ruined it all. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I fucked up.