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Feeling lonely (no friends and especially no girlfriend)


#1

Hey guys,
My name is Daniel. I am 18 years old and I am from Germany. I am really hoping someone can give me some good advice on how to make friends and how to find a girlfriend. I am currently going to a new school (just came back from a year in America and everyone in my class is 1-2 years younger than me ) in which I seem to be kinda popular (but not really popular, more like people accept my appearance). And here we get to my problem. I just seem to not be able to find any friends to hang out with and have some fun with. In my free time I like to play soccer and play saxophon. The people in my class are into cars but I am not really into it at all since I also don´t know how to learn anything about it (eventhough I think it might inerest me and I am doing my license at the moment). I wanna say I don´t wanna change my personality but I am open to new things, for instance cars. Now my problem is I don´t know how to talk to them so they might invite me to a party or anything like that. I mean I try to talk to them as much as I can, whenever I can but I feel like it´s just not enough (maybe it is and I just have to be more open and ask them directly). Another thing is I have had 3 girlfriends so far and one in the US but it wasn´t for long and intitiative came from the girl in 2 out of 3 cases. It kinda ran out of action and mostly got boring. My last relationship has been broken up by a girl. I feel like she didn´t enjoy it as much as in the beginning and I think she wanted me to be more active and " be the man in the relationship " which was actually really hard for me because everytime I asked her wheter she wanted to hang out she never actually had time ( I gave her a lot of options, which day/weekend we could meet but she always had something else planned for that day/weekend. I asked her quite some time before those days as well). Well sorry for all this nonsense. My main point is I would love to have a girlfriend again and spend some of my freetime with her. I know some of the girls in my class/school do like me a lot. I just don´t know how to engage a conversation with them and keep it up so I can ask her out on a date or to meet her outside of school. Since I was new to the school a couple months back, I also set up for class speaker ( I don´t know if you guys know it, it is like being responsible for the class for instance if there is no teacher, I have to take care of it and ask for exercises/ a different teacher to look after us). I did this because I don´t mind doing it as well as to be involved in this class. I am an average student and I think I could boost my grades too. If I would have some friends and a girlfriend I would have something else in mind, rather than school. I played soccer for 10 years and always had problems finding a real friend group. I always got a along with everyone but rarely did anything in private with the other guys from my soccer club.
I hope someone can help me since it would make my life so much more pleasent and diversified (not just playing video games, saxophon and doing my school work).
Have a lovely day/night everyone and thank you for your help in advance ! :heart:
PS: Sorry for this long text and I could understand if it is too long for people to read it.

Greetings Daniel


#2

Hi Daniel!
I can relate to the things you say so much, so firstly if it helps, you aren’t the only one! I’m a bit older than you (26) but I have always been one of the oldest in every class, i’m in my final year of university and i’ve found lasting friendships hard to come by. Making friends is challenging, sometimes it doesn’t work out or the people don’t hang around but don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t connect with someone! keep trying to meet people and getting out there (be proud of the person you are), if someone doesn’t want to hang around in your life then it’s their loss and they are the ones missing out. If you cannot be yourself with the people you spend your time with, then perhaps they aren’t meant to be in your life. One idea that has worked for me is to find a group that meet up to do something specific (e.g. a drawing class, a videogaming club, in UK we call them “societies”). Having a mutual interest is a great start when getting to know new people! stay strong and most importantly, don’t give up. When that time comes when you meet someone who appreciates you for your natural qualities and talents, it will be so worth it!


#3

Hey Roadrunner,
First of all, thank you for your advice it already helped me a bit especially in staying positive because I do get depressed sometimes, being alone. Secondly, as I already kind of said, I don´t actually know if I could connect to my classmates. I haven´t had the opportunity to spend any of my freetime with them, expect for one birthday party they invited me to. I heard them talking about some other birthday party this week, perhaps of a former classmate or someone in a different class. I don´t actually know anything specific about it because I didn´t bother asking them. I do agree with your point, saying that mutual interests can be a great start to find new friends. In fact I did play soccer for 10 years as I said but I still couldn´t quite connect to the people. I feel like I have a social problem. I don´t know, I actually am nice to the people and we have fun together as well. It simply isn´t enough to build a friendship up on it (I personally believe I am not capable of doing so or atleast not with ease). I mean I did have some “friends” in my old school and we do still play videogames together and they sometimes even invite me over to smoke hookah (That was three weeks ago and since then they didn´t ask me again, eventhough I am pretty sure they do it almost every weekened). After smoking hookah I just go home and it´s pretty much back to normal. I barely have anything to do and feel like I waste my time. Every beginning of a new week in which I can see my classmates again I try to tell myself I can do it and " this week" I will connect to them. I am slowly but surely starting to get less and less motivated for school and already had a few suicidial thoughts (haven´t actually considered doing it, since it wouldn´t do any good and it most certainly isn´t a solution to the problem). I don´t think you can help me any better than you did and that´s surely not what I am asking from you. You already told me how you kind of solved the problem and it helped me considering different approaches. It probably is a lot of unnecessary information for you.

Anyways thank you for your help, I do appreciate it a lot. Hopefully you can find yourself even more real friends who see this amazing character in you.


#4

Again, I can relate to what you said, I know that I definitely felt depressed and alone when I was 18. I was finishing my A-levels at school (which I completely failed due to lack of motivation and general mental health issues). It felt like a huge step backwards when I then had to go to college with 16 year olds and I felt a bit worthless for a long time. Different things work for different people when it comes to fighting loneliness and depression, what worked for me was to join a local running club (at the time I had started going running when I was upset or angry to release my emotion by running as fast as I could until I got breathless lol). At the running club I joined I met some genuine and caring people who helped me a lot. I hope that you do find a group who love and care for you because you deserve that. Push through those low feelings because they will pass, when you feel that way, do something that you know that you enjoy to give you a boost. I wish you the best with everything and thanks for your kind words!


#5

This time I´ll try to keep it short. I don´t want you to spend your precious time reading these long texts. I wanna congratulate you to what you´ve achieved. I am glad you were able to find a balance for the lack of social contacts and being able to solve it. For myslef I am sure, that I will eventually find some people who will care and love for me. It will just take a little more time and some practice keeping people interest in me and my personality. I don´t really have anything that gives me a boost, except for maybe playing saxophon. I guess i could try to use that as a tool to overcome it.
Lastly something else. I am curious how many girlfriends you´ve had so far if you even had any xD … Since you are a little older than me you might be able to give me some advice on it ? :thinking:


#6

haha i’ve got time don’t worry about that! in regards to girlfriends, i’ve had a couple but I haven’t had a relationship yet that i’ve felt comfortable in or happy in. I guess you could say that i’m still looking. I’m a pretty private person who has trouble letting anyone get close, so as you can imagine I have some issues with commitment XD. What I can say is that if you keep making an effort to meet people when you get a chance to, you will eventually get a gut instinct while talking to a girl that she would be a good fit, if you feel that way then be brave and tell her how you feel! the worst that will happen is that she will decline and you still might then get a friend out of it :). If a relationship doesn’t work out, pick yourself up, dust yourself down, pat yourself on the back for giving it a go, and keep looking!


#7

Okay haha. I am sorry if I kinda digged in your private life xd. " Just goig for it " actually sounds like a plan I would make. I sometimes just don´t have the confidence to go through with it … But you did get me with: " the worst that will happen ist that she will decline" (not “can happen”, like I always say it. It always makes me wonder if there could be something else happening…) I will just go for it in the context in which it is possible for me.
Well thank you again so so much for all the time and effort you put into this ! You really did encourage me to be more brave. I can´t actually put it in words, how thankful I am for this forum and for your comments on my post. I guess, best I can do is pray for you to keep up your good work and make it even better !
You are capable of much more than you think. Always remember that !
You are a great human being from what I´ve read here. There will surely be people coming in your life who will appreciate your kind and helpful characteristics a lot, if it didn´t happen yet.
By the way, I am sorry for my somewhat broken English. I mean, I did go to the US for a year which improved it quite a bit but it still isn´t even close to being perfect :confused:
If you want to help me improve it, you could maybe correct some of my sentences. I would be really flattered. :heart:


#8

Thank you for your kind reply! I am happy that I have been able to help you to see things in a more positive way. Life is what you make it, so if you see an opportunity to do something outside of your comfort zone, just take a deep breath and take that first step! that first step could be approaching a girl who is sitting by herself and introducing yourself, joining a social club, or playing more saxophone! Your English is very good, I have heard English people speak far worse than you haha… always believe in yourself because you are a talented and intelligent person. You have the best years of your life ahead of you so look forwards not backwards!


#9

As far as getting a girlfriend goes, I sadly have no real advice. However, as far as your happiness & self worth goes, I do have something for you to think about.

My best friend reminds me of you. He’s had girlfriends but no one special. He so desperately wants a girlfriend because he thinks it will make him happy, and hell, it just might. But just remember this: maybe a girl will make you happy at first, but in a month? A year? 5 years? 10 years? All of a sudden she isn’t going to be making you happy, she’s going to be riding on you about your kids & job & suddenly you’ll find yourself depressed again & trying to find a new girlfriend because getting a girlfriend was the only thing you associated with being happy. Make sure you find a way to be happy on your own before you find a girl. Find new hobbies, do something that really interests you. A girl will come eventually, but until then just do you. :yellow_heart: