I hope you are having a nice day. Lately i have just been drowning in emptiness. I feel like everything I do is meaningless. I feel lonely even though there are people around me. My parents, my brother, my friends DM me or contact me otherwise. But I feel lonely. Like the connection I had with people is gone. I dont feel like I matter. I dont feel loved. I dont even think there is such a thing as an unconditional love. Everything has conditions. Every relationship. I am tired. I am tired of making things work. I am tired of just existing. I had overcome some hard stuff before. A lot of hard time again and again but what is it all for. To feel a bit of joy just for it to be snatched away To look for it like an addict seeks a new high.
I dont smoke and I had never tried drugs. I even try avoid drinking. I never really wanted to do drugs. never seen the appeal until recently I started thinking about it. It kinda scared me because I was thinking about how could I feel something more. I though how would taking something feel. That it might be a nice experience. I still dont want to but I didnt have thoughts like these before. My dopamine receptors are fried. Serotonin has always had a bit of a hard time with me and I just want to feel nice. Pain and numbness, pain and numbness and the cycle repeats. Cant I get some happy pills please. I can feel invested in something but that just feels like killing time. I dont know when was the last time i was glad to be alive.
recently a friend called me. he was asking if i could help him move stuff from his flat but i wasnt in Prague at the time. Then another friend send me a voice message if he could live in the flat me and my brother live for a while just cause he wants to be in Prague. No, thats not something a friend asks, thats just using someone. Genuine connection is one of the thing so precious yet so fragile. There are people around me yet i am alone. Maybe I have always been. Maybe I just come with too much baggage. Maybe I am boring. I dont know. Maybe life was never meant to be something that is nice to go through.