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Feeling lonely with people around me

Hi
I hope you are having a nice day. Lately i have just been drowning in emptiness. I feel like everything I do is meaningless. I feel lonely even though there are people around me. My parents, my brother, my friends DM me or contact me otherwise. But I feel lonely. Like the connection I had with people is gone. I dont feel like I matter. I dont feel loved. I dont even think there is such a thing as an unconditional love. Everything has conditions. Every relationship. I am tired. I am tired of making things work. I am tired of just existing. I had overcome some hard stuff before. A lot of hard time again and again but what is it all for. To feel a bit of joy just for it to be snatched away To look for it like an addict seeks a new high.

I dont smoke and I had never tried drugs. I even try avoid drinking. I never really wanted to do drugs. never seen the appeal until recently I started thinking about it. It kinda scared me because I was thinking about how could I feel something more. I though how would taking something feel. That it might be a nice experience. I still dont want to but I didnt have thoughts like these before. My dopamine receptors are fried. Serotonin has always had a bit of a hard time with me and I just want to feel nice. Pain and numbness, pain and numbness and the cycle repeats. Cant I get some happy pills please. I can feel invested in something but that just feels like killing time. I dont know when was the last time i was glad to be alive.

recently a friend called me. he was asking if i could help him move stuff from his flat but i wasnt in Prague at the time. Then another friend send me a voice message if he could live in the flat me and my brother live for a while just cause he wants to be in Prague. No, thats not something a friend asks, thats just using someone. Genuine connection is one of the thing so precious yet so fragile. There are people around me yet i am alone. Maybe I have always been. Maybe I just come with too much baggage. Maybe I am boring. I dont know. Maybe life was never meant to be something that is nice to go through.

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From: ManekiNeko

I hate seeing you fight through this. I know those feelings of somehow knowing there’s got to be conditions to love and to kindness. They haunted me many nights. I guess everyone has their limits, but real love and friendship is still something that exists. It transcends past what our brain tells us. Right now I’m hoping these words somehow transcend past the point of what your mind is trying to tell you and keep you trapped in.

there’s something beautiful about being able to tell people that you feel lost and alone, and for them to see that none of those thoughts will change how they feel about you. None of those thoughts will change the amount of love we have for you. I know I don’t have answers and can’t make it go away for you, I wish I could. But I can say that every day there will never be a moment when one of us will stop wanting to love you.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi my friend, you are very much loved and seen. I know this feeling of being alone and empty as you already know. It’s like you’re in a glass jar and everyone is on the outside. You feel disconnected from others and its a very strange feeling. I can be in a room full of loved ones and still feel on the outside looking in. I’ve read that it takes lots of therapy to get thru this and it’s a long journey, but you can get to the point where you are ok with yourself. As far as doing drugs, I would highly advise you not to go there. It’s not worth it and it causes a whole list of other problems (just like self-harm). I think you know this. I know you’re desperate to feel, but drug will never be the answer. I’m always here to talk ~Mystrose

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From: twixremix

hi ashwell!

i’ve brought swat3 here to lend you the love and support we need you to have during this dark time. i hope you can feel the genuine love and support from us as we reach out to you from our computers to yours. first off, unconditional love exists however it breaks my heart that you don’t feel it from those around you. you deserve to feel that and my biggest hope is that the people who will fill your life to come show you that it exists. there will be new people that come into your life that treat you better than that friend wanting to move in with y’all.

when it comes to drugs, which i think you’re referring to mostly weed and not the harder stuff, those give a temporary high which yeah is nice, but once you come down, reality crashes down along with you. it’s not fair for anyone, especially a cool and kind-hearted person like you, to feel loneliness, unloved, or less of what your true endless value is. i hope this day comes soon where you can feel a connection with others and experience the same amount of love and care you put out into this world. sending you so much love and comfort, my friend.

love,
twix

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Hey @Ashwell,

You do belong, and unconditional love is real. However 1/ not everyone seizes or embody that type of love, and 2/ we are not always in an emotional space that would allow us personally to receive that love. Years ago I would have told you that it is bullshit to be completely accepted by someone, with both our strengths and flaws, our qualities and our most vulnerable parts, but I’ve learned to give my trust in people who helped me see that I was worthy of that type of love, that it wasn’t just a distant dream portrayed in cheesy TV commercials.

You’ve been dealing with a lot at home especially and it makes completely sense to feel even more lonely, if not invisible because there are emotions all around that you’ve been enduring without having a say on it. You didn’t ask for all of this and I’m sorry that you’ve been in the middle of your brother’s and mom’s struggles. They obviously need help, and a type of help that you can’t personally provide. But in the meantime, you live together and/or interact together, so there is that. I remember that you’ve mentioned that you’ve discussed this with your therapist before. May I ask what is there guidance/advices about your family situation? Are they helping you to develop ways to stay safe emotionally, and eventually set boundaries? You may share a same place or be family, but you don’t need to take in everything that happens. You have a voice and the right to use it.

As for the feeling of loneliness while being with others, I can surely relate to this in many ways. There were times in my life, when I was struggling with past traumas without being aware of it, when it was impossible for me to stay alone in silence. Solitude was synonym of loneliness and unbearable feelings. It has taken a lot of time, healthy relationships, boundaries, a better life environment as well to get to the point of now enjoying solitude and actually needing silence more often than I ever thought. This will not change the quality of potential relationships, but it will help being at peace with the fact that people come and go in our life, and that each relationship has its own dynamics.

You are loved and cared for right here and right now. Whether there is a veil that filters those feelings on your end, this care is still very real, and it is yours entirely. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Rohini_868

Hi Ashwell,

Do you know what I love about you and your posts? You always hope that things are going well for us, even hen you’re hurting and not feeling the greatest. Your kindness and compassion are still constant and strong. Sadly I don’t have any magic happy pills, don’t think my usual magic solution of yoga/meditation and laughter may do the trick, but maybe they can distract you for a bit?

I hope that you keep trying out new things and go to therapy, I’m hoping that those small precious moments of relief remind you that there is someting else out there for you. You’re much loved and much appreciated, as a person and also for all that you do for us.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Ashwell, Life can indeed be very lonely at times and of course in those moments we feel like no one cares and that we dont matter to anyone. Those are the times like you have here that we must reach out and let people know that we are indeed struggling with our feelings because no matter who we are we deserve to be loved. I understand why you wold think that taking drugs would make you feel something but that something woudl not necesscerily be a positive something and what is the point of making yourself feel worse than you do now? I would rather feel numb than sick. I don’t know what the answer is beyond taking care of yourself and doing something that you enjoy to make yourself feeling happier. I hope you can find something that helps you find what you are looking for. much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

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Hey Ashwell,

I am sorry that you’re going through a low right now, friend. Feeling alone in a crowded room (for lack of a better term) is a very real thing. Even with close ones reaching out, showing that they love you. Your emotions and intrusive thoughts are doing their best to convince your mind of these things. It’s OK to be struggling with that. Looks like you know that’s going on… now it’s just the hard part of working through it. We’re here to talk, chat, support, and encourage as much as we can along the way. I am glad you are here to share what you’re going through right now.

Though I am sure you probably know the answer to the drug question that will come from most of us… I’ll say it anyway. It’s not a good idea. A temporary sensation, following by a crash, and a low. And damage to your body and mind. And maybe legal stuff. Sounds like a lot more stress and problems waiting to happen.

Stay strong, friend.

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From: your pal, Rick

Hi Ashwell, thank you for being here. <3 Your words mean a lot to me. It takes such courage to share these feelings, I think it all makes us feel less alone when you share these thoughts. It gives me some hope. I appreciate you sharing.

The feelings you’re describing are terribly heavy, no wonder you feel tired. It sounds like you have been fighting feelings like this for so very long. You don’t deserve to feel this way, and while I want so much for these feelings to be gone I also want you to know that it is okay not to be feeling okay. It is truly okay to feel all that you’re feeling, and to let yourself know that all of these hard things are real and serious, and that you deserve to rest in order to cope. I hope that in these hard times you’re showing yourself the love you so deserve. <3

I can completely understand the urge to seek out substances to address your problems. I have been down that path, unfortunately, of self-prescribing in order to cope. From the other side of the road I just want to warn you, no solutions can be found that way. At best drugs can delay your progress and at worst they can make things much, much worse. That’s not to say that there aren’t things we can do to make this better for you, of course. There is so much hope, so much left to try.

I can relate to this feeling so deeply, of being surrounded and yet alone. I know that we’re so far apart, but I want you to know that I see you. We all do. We have no motive, we just want the best for you. I am sending all of the love and all of the hugs. Please keep sharing when it feels right. <3

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From: ManekiNeko

hey ashwell, just checking in on you. I know you’ve made one or two posts since this, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you’re being thought of and that you’re loved. How’re you feeling in terms of seeking something to help you feel more joy? Hopefully something that isn’t harmful to you and will leave you with more pain, but perhaps new experiences or thoughts of travel? I hope the last couple of days have been a bit lighter for you.

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey Ashwell, I know you’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and I feel for you. When i’ve been in negative feedback loops like this I’ve had to disconnect myself from what I’ve been doing and find something I love to do. Maybe leaving prague and heading out to the country side could help open your mind and emotions up and ground you to feeling good again? On the drugs - I’ve been there and actually have taken drugs to escape my depression, anxiety and the crushing weight of the world. All it did was lead my down a dark path that lead me back to the inevitble bad feelings that were stronger than they were before. There’s something powerful in dealing with your emotions through exercise or travel or just getting away to help you find yourself again. It’s also really hard to find connection with people when you can’t really connect with yourself, so maybe finding something outside of your comfort zone to fill you up could be a possible option to find connection with others again. My love goes out to you and I know you’ll find your way through this!

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