Feeling lost and distressed about my childhood

Since moving back in with my family, i feel more comfortable around my brother and his fiancee, compared to the past by a lot. Im so thankful everyday.

I’ve been having this habit of jokingly ranting about how everyone else in the family were rebels and I was the good kid, never did anything. It came to a point today my brother said “Why are you always angry about this?” “You took it all personally. Mom would beat me and yell at me for doing wrong but it never stopped me, you chose not to make those decisions.”

My whole perspective changed, but I do not feel resolve. I feel lost, confused, and very emotional. What’s wrong with me? I find myself googling “infantilization”. In my current retrospect I feel like i was closeted in my childhood to the point I dont know how to feel otherwise? Maybe?

I now feel horrible about these self depricating jokes, because i feel like my brother is concerned now. I could only say “I don’t know” and “this all felt useless now” because I didnt know what to say now…

I’m so lost and distressed. Everything Ive ranted about has no meaning now.

Thank you for reading. I dont know how to ask for help but I think I need it.

It feels bittersweet posting here, I hope you all are well.

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey friend, There’s a lot that can be interpreted from this… first of all, the way you feel about this means something. I think it’s important to reflect on the emotions associated with this interaction and what the roots to them are. Why is it making you feel like it has no meaning now? Are you angry about it? There’s nothing inherently wrong with being “the good kid.” at all. It’s actually something to be proud about - messy lives are hard to put back together. Another thought is that the comment your brother made seems to have hit you pretty deep in the feels. On one side you can take the “don’t let what others say effect you much and move on” or the "there’s something deeper here about what this hit so deep, what is it and why does it feel this way? We all can look back at our lives and cognate about what we did or did not do, should have done, shouldn’t have done, etc. The important thing to always remember is to be present. you can’t change the past, but your decisions in the moment are what shape your future. If there are experiences you may have missed out on, can you take action to make those experiences to happen now? Would love to hear how this evolves for you.

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Hi there, and thank you for sharing this with us.
I understand that behaviour as a child or teenager. It makes sense to do it out of a felt need for survival. If you witness that your brother gets badly punished for something he did, the reasonable reaction would be to avoid this by not acting in the way he did. Do you feel like you have missed out on certain experiences because of this that others were able to have? You don’t always need to be the wild rebel to gain life experience or make happy memories.
Despite everything you said that you feel more comfortable around your brother now, which is a very good thing. If you feel like there are some unsaid things from the past between you in the air, maybe you could try to have an open honest conversation with him. I hope you feel better soon.

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Thank you everyone, I’ll give it some thought. I really appreciate you both reaching out, it means a lot.

From: djstarion

Hello! Being more comfortable around family especially compared to the past is definitely a great thing to celebrate! I know sometimes things, even in a joking manner can come off differently to different people but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. When you get treated as the good child especially growing up you may get that feeling of almost being pushed aside. I know that’s what happened with me growing up. I would definitely sit down and just have an open conversation with him, maybe somewhere where you both feel comfortable or have shared a memorable experience at. It may help ease the tension that comes with having this type of conversation. I hope that no matter what happens it’s positive, and always remember we are here for you no matter what.

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