Feeling lost and empty, I am loosing the control

Another few days are over. I survived…sometimes I dont know how I manage it because I am not willing to live to anymore. It‘s getting harder and harder even one of my friends is treating me different, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I talked to another friend of us and she said that she doesn‘t have the feeling, that our friend is different. I am feeling so bad because of it, like not needed. Every time I am there their behavior is completely different but not just her behavior, of all its changing. At first I thought its my mind. But probably its me, I am this pessimistic, hopeless and helpless person nobody wanna know. Since they dont even care what I am doing, how I am doing or anything like this. They are only talking about their problems and behaving like they have the worst problems.
My dad isn‘t better, he is treating me like a piece of shit and behaving like I am doing everything on purpose wrong. He is screaming more and more. A few days ago he started talking about a friend of me who committed suicide last year. He talked about this friend like object. In this moment I wanted to kill my dad, this feeling was so strong. Later I was just laying on my bed and crying. Crying because of myself, I hate myself so hard, and still everyone is telling my multiple times what I did wrong. They are doing jokes about it and don‘t even notice how much it hurts me. I am running away from my problems. I am not able to talk about it because then I am overthinking around a week and longer. I am just not able to deal with anything like this anymore.
Maybe this was my last post. I am so sorry :hrtlegolove:

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hi friend
What I’m hearing from this is that you are frustrated by and hurt by those around you.
Those are just a handful of the people who will get to know you during your lifetime… and maybe these folks aren’t the best at really caring about anyone besides themselves.

If they’re selfish folks, or lost in their own problems, then whatever they’re saying to you should be taken with a grain of salt.

I love the saying:
“Everyone is smart in different ways. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking that it’s stupid.”

Don’t let flawed people tell you what YOUR worth is.
You ARE worthy and valuable and capable of great things. Anyone who doesn’t believe that, probably doesn’t really know you!!

Cry it out, yes, feel it, yes.
But don’t let them define you.

Meet new people, find new hobbies, pursue new things, play new games… go out there and find yourself, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not great.
I believe in you. Stay with us, we’re here to explore the journey with you.

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I’m sorry that you are feeling so badly. Has something changed recently? Is it possible that your dad screaming at you has caused you to be so upset that your state of mind is difficult for your friend to be around, which has resulted in you being treated differently? It’s not unusual for people who have had a difficult experience to feel that others are growing distant. It’s probably not because they like or love you less. It’s more likely that they don’t know how to be around the pain.

An author/speaker, Byron Katie came to mind when I read this. Here’s the way she faces such thoughts:
“Is it true?”
“Can you absolutely know it’s true?”
“How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?”
“Who would you be without that thought?”

Here’s a link to one of her presentations, along with some written material: Byron Katie: ‘Just ask yourself, is that thought really true?’ | Family | The Guardian

That’s pretty common. It seems like most people think theirs are the worst problems.

It’s unfortunate, but very often in those cases, people would rather tell you what’s wrong with you, than face their own problems. Also, there’s a pretty good chance they are wrong about what they are saying is wrong with you.

Everyone makes mistakes and does wrong things. The only way to avoid it is to do nothing at all.

What reason is there to believe anything such insensitive people have to say?

You are in a really difficult situation, and I believe you are suffering from emotional abuse. Please don’t make any drastic decisions. You need counseling. If nothing else, dial 211, and ask what they may have to offer.

That’s understandable. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of repeating negative thoughts, including despairing thoughts in which you don’t see a way out. There is a way out. There are coping strategies to be learned. In addition, as you get older, you will gain greater freedom to be with more supportive people. The increased autonomy will help you gain confidence as well.

I don’t believe you are running away from your problems. In fact, it doesn’t appear that you even have the choice to do so. If you take a break from thinking about your problems, that’s not the same as running away from them.

Thank you for trusting us with your pain. I hope we can help. Stay in touch. Wings

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Hello,
I am sorry for taking so long to respond. I was just not in the mood to feel like I am able to talk to anyone.

Most of the nights I am only sleeping a few hours and I feel so exhausted. The reason for this are my nightmares. Always when I sleep, I have the problem that I dream how I commit suicide. I dont know how to deal with that anymore.

Thank you a lot @Sita and @Wings for being here and reading it. Thank you a lot for your supportive words. I might not feel good or worth but you both helped me a lot to have hope again and continue fighting. Thank you a lot

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