I have been typing and deleting things and then retyping them. I am gonna be honest I am not knowing how to really start this. But I have bipolar 1 and I see a psychiatrist once a month and then I just started seeing a therapist and I am supposed to see her every other week. I feel like the medication for me helps but at the same time I can’t really even tell.
Anyways, I have been really battling with myself and beating myself up a lot. Recently I have been l have been feeling so lost. I tell myself that I am stupid and can’t finish college and a couple days ago I even broke down crying about how I don’t think I can do it. This has been my dream to go to the current school I am in. It’s hard to focus on studying and doing my projects. I feel like my stress or anxiety just takes over. I am socially awkward and bad at talking to people and I don’t really have many friends at my school.
I’m feeling off. Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday and I reached out to all his friends to come out and most of them did, my boyfriend seemed so happy and it looked like everyone was having such a great time. (I was happy because that’s all I want is for him to be happy). I felt like I faked the whole night and honestly didn’t enjoy myself but didn’t wan o be a Debbie downer or kill everyone else’s mood/vibe.
But my thoughts always go to:
“I’m not smart enough”
“His family & friends don’t like me”
Same goes for work. I used to work 40hrs at a restaurant and on top of that go to school. Well, I broke down and had to leave my job because I cut back part time with them and they still did not respect my hours and would push to schedule me still even when I told them the new hours and days I could work. I am also currently working for my boyfriend’s company (3 days a week) I feel like I’m not making nearly as much money and I know money shouldn’t be an issue, but it is to me because I like having my own money and own financial freedom and now I don’t make nearly as much. I feel awkward working for his family and I makes me feel weird and out of place. I know I could look for another job but my boyfriend says he wants to take care of me and knows my mental health can go downhill so he says to give it time, but idk if I can anymore?….
I feel just lost and alone and I know that’s not the case and I know I should probably start a journal and write down how I feel at the end of the day and then also bring some of these points up to my psychiatrist/therapist……
Like I just break down crying and can’t stop thinking about the past and I know it’s going to take time but I just wanna move on from my past and it’s like no matter what I do I’m good for a while and I just can’t seem to escape it….
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Bipolar is such a finicky thing to deal with, especially when it comes to finding the right mix of medication.
I am so happy you are seeing a psych and therapist regularly! I was just about to recommend therapy for the self-negative thoughts. Medication will definitely help the symptoms of the bipolar, but the underlying issues of your self worth still need to be addressed.
You are not stupid, and the goals you set for yourself can definitely be achieved! Unfortunately we have this part of our brain that sometimes clouds the truth and prevents us from being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I promise it’s there, though. From what I read, I also think you are an incredibly caring person and that’s a trait that is beyond valuable!
I would definitely give it time for the work thing. Sometimes mental illness can get in the way of being productive and fulfilling goals. I love that your boyfriend is encouraging you to stick with the company and he is reassuring you that he is there for you. It sounds like you are building up a solid support system and that’s incredibly important!
I highly recommend starting a journal. I know with my bipolar, I would go through the ups and downs and I would feel so awful during the downs, but then when it came time for therapy I would be out of that state of mind and it would be hard to relay exactly how I felt to the therapist. Journaling is a great way to record how you are feeling at those times and then you can address it at the time of the appointment.
All I can say is keep up with the therapy! It’s such hard work, and it won’t be easy, but it will SO be worth it. You deserve a happy and fulfilling life free from suffering. We are here for you through it all!
Thank you so much, I feel like I’m an empath in a way. Do you have any coping mechanisms or recommendations to get out of my own head?
I know everyone is different. I’m sure my therapist can talk with me about some as well.
Of course! I can share some things that helped me when I was going through treatment.
The biggest thing I do is look for the evidence of my thoughts. For instance, if you have a thought, “I’m not smart enough” think about the evidence that would support that thought, and then think of the evidence that supports the opposite. Well, you are in college for one, so that supports the evidence that you are smart. You can take it steps further and think of all the evidence that supports “I am smart” like studying hard, making good life choices, seeing a therapist/psych when you need to. All of those are evidence that supports the thought “I am smart.”
You can do it for thoughts like “his family and friends don’t like me” too. What is the evidence that supports that, or the opposite of that? Well, his family keeps you employed at the job, so that supports the thought “his family likes me.” Your boyfriend is still with you which supports the thought “his family likes and approves of me.” Take it as far as you need to! Think of all the evidence that supports those thoughts (or doesn’t support the negative thoughts). Hope that made sense.
Mindfulness skills are also great ways to help with the intense emotions like anxiety. When you start to feel a wave of anxiety come up, notice it for what it is and do simple things like breathing exercises to help ground yourself before your anxiety overtakes you. Describe the emotions and physical sensations you have as it comes up. “I notice I’m starting to feel anxious. My chest feels heavy, my stomach feels like a pit. I feel the tears starting to come up.” Breathe deeply as you feel these emotions. And then you can ground yourself, “I feel my feet flat on the ground, I feel the chair behind my back, I feel my hands in my lap.” And then if you feel comfortable, you can take it a step further with affirmations. Breathe deeply, and reassure yourself of the positive thoughts that combat the negative. “I am more than my past, I am smart, I am not alone.”
Feeling your emotions and sensations are so important. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having these feelings in the first place! It’s just important to feel them as they come up, and noticing how they make you feel helps with that.
There are a TON of mindfulness resources out there. I would look up “mindfulness exercises” and find some that can help you specifically.
I hope all of this helped a little! <3
Hi Friend, I’m sorry that you are having problems and I’m hoping the therapy that your starting will help you learn coping skills and also talking about everything with someone really helps too. I hope that you can feel comfortable with your new therapist and be honest and open with them. I will leave you with a video about our Inner Critic, that little voice that lies to you and tells you that you are not good enough or that people don’t like you. It helped me understand some things and I hope it helps you too.
I hope that you can at some stage take time to have a break for yourself. All the hard work you’ve been doing on top of uni on top of relationships on top of the intrusive thoughts. My goodness, it’s not wonder you’re feeling at your wits end.
I know it’s easy when you’re stuck in the anxiety and the overwhelming feelings that it’s all on you. That the people around you are judging you or that the work you’re doing isn’t good enough. Perhaps sometimes when we struggle with mental health, work sometimes takes a hit or two, but it’s never as terrible as not taking care of yourself and your health. If work has to deal without you for a little minute, then so be it. You are far more important than any work or uni expectations. Your value does not lie there, and I can’t emphasis that enough.
I definitely think there are some good things to bring up to your therapist and work towards being able to build ways to cope and how to start doing positive self talk. I found it helped quiet the bad thoughts a bit. Or I imagine closing those thoughts into a bubble and they have to sit there and I can’t hear them. Then when I’m ready I can let them float away.
I don’t know if I made sense or was much help, but basically I just want you to know that you’re loved and seen here. Give yourself a hell of a lot more grace and speak kindly to yourself. You deserve that
I am glad you see you again, and that you are comfortable enough here to share. I am sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this right now. I do want to say… props to going the extra mile on your bf’s birthday. Getting the friends together and making it special for him, even as you deal with your own struggles, speaks volumes of the size of your heart
I think journaling is a great idea, both as a way to get out of your head a bit (getting thoughts out of your head and onto paper makes more room in your head, right?), but also as a way for you to track and see how you are doing, if you’re feeling better/worse, etc. Don’t hesitate to write your future self some notes in there too. And, as you noted, talking to your therapist/counselor may also help. I think we’re on the same page there.
And, if the above doesn’t help, there is always some good metal to tune out to, and give your mind a rest for a few moments. Sometimes you just need a break to re-collect yourself.
From: Dr Hogarth
There’s so much here I can relate to. I felt exactly the same way when I went to university; everyone seemed so competent and confident. It’s so easy to feel inadequate in the environment, particularly if you’re neurodiverse (as I am as well) because we feel like we’re not enough so imuch of the time as it is. Something I tried to do was to keep reminding myself everyday how remarkable t was that I was where I was given everything, and the same is true for you. Despite everything you’ve had to deal with, you’re at the college you wanted to be at, and have so much more to contend with than most.
Does your college know about your bipolar? There may be some accommodations with extra time for assignments they can make, which could take the edge off some of the stress. You’re entitled to support.
I think it’s entirely understandable to be a bit uncomfortable working for your boyfriend’s company. I’m really glad that they can give you some flexibility though, but I get the awkwardness. There’s a lot things you say you “should” do in this posts, but I think you need to ask yourself what you “want” to do. Do you really want to get another job or write a journal, or are they things you think you should be doing? It is easy to feel lost when we’re following a path of things we think we ought to do and forget the path of things that we want. It’s easy to lose yourself down that road. What you want matters, and what you think you ought to be or do is coming from within yourself.
Hold fast my friend x
Thank you so much! I’ll have to look more into it and practice it, sometimes it is hard but it never hurts to try I guess.
I had a breakdown at school where I got up and went to the bathroom and then broke down crying. I had to go downstairs and I just lost it and cried so much. All my teacher were nice about it and luckily my school is not super huge or anything on campus. I think I’m going to talk to them about that because I do believe they would allow me extra time if needed.
You made a very good point. I do have a bad habit of always putting others thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. before my own. I forget my worth and value sometimes. My own thoughts and opinions are valid sometimes it’s hard to stand up for them I guess. Journaling probably would help me when it comes to mental health that way I can reread them and look how far I have came/track progress.
I appreciate your comment though and definitely got me thinking (in a good way)