Feeling low again [rant]

i wish i was, i don’t know, enough? It’s this constant feeling of no matter what i do or how hard i try, it wasn’t and never will be enough; i could’ve and should’ve done better.
i’m sick of feeling this way all day long, even when my days are supposedly good. i’m so sick of it.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since i last sh-ed and it was going great. i was able to fight the urges with enough distractions but now it’s getting hard again. i was having some sort of derealisation episode earlier today and since then I’ve been craving the pain again.

i know it’s alright to put yourself first sometimes but whenever i do that, people tend to make me feel bad for it. so i don’t. i just suck up whatever I’m feeling and tell myself “i’ll deal with it later” but i don’t. i never do, because i feel like it doesn’t matter anyways. that i don’t matter.
but it’s gotten to the point where i bottled up so much, it’s hard for me to even think of something to say whenever someone feels bad. yet i can never be honest enough to tell someone about it.

i have a therapist but i can’t get myself to trust him anymore. i’ve been seeing him for quite some time now but somewhere along the lines whatever trust i had for him just disappeared. i’ve been going to therapy on and off since 2017 and it never helped me in the long run. maybe for a while, but never for long. i’m just so tired.

Things have been going downhill since maybe 6 years now and it’s not looking up at all. at this rate i don’t even want to live past nineteen.


Hey again,
I want to say, as always, thank you for sharing.

I have felt the feeling of not being enough in my family many times, and it really is hard to go back through your life and wonder if you could have and should have done better. Most times though, that’s just the lies that are telling you that and not the truth. I can already name one thing you are doing that isn’t a could’ve should’ve, but is an “I am doing”, and that’s posting here. As always you are loved!

I am so glad to hear it has been 3 weeks free of SH. That is an amazing accomplishment! Feeling that want to do so, is not abnormal, it is a fact of life sometimes that happens over and over again. The feeling of derealization is something that (if you have not already), may need to be talked about to a medical doctor just to have yourself medically checked in case there is something that can be helped there too. But the cravings for SH are very much this want and desire, but just because you want something, dosen’t mean it’s who you are anymore. You are about a month free of SH! Keep it up! That’s amazing!

If you are truly, positively putting yourself first while not harming and not negatively impacting others as you are, and have been, describing, I do not think that is always a bad thing and you have been working towards a great goal of making sure you balance it out. One thing i would suggest doing to balance scheduling is trying to make a schedule for yourself on those days when you need you time. I try to make sure in the morning I take about a half hour to just sit and relax for no reason than to do it. Sometimes relaxing is sitting on the couch, sometimes its sitting on my computer, sometimes its playing a game. It changes, but its some me time. Unless its an emergency, i don’t change that block of time as it’s my “me” time for my own mental sanity. What I also do is some things very similar to block scheduling which casey talks about on Heartsupport’s twitch page on his time management video. (here Twitch )

One thing I did when I was unable to tell people what to say when someone felt bad and I couldn’t be honest was to start saying something. What I started saying was simply I need your love and support, I don’t know what I need now, i just need you to be here for me and to stay by my side while I work through this.

I think you need to tell your therapist you don’t trust him. I had to tell a therapist that once. You have to do what will be best for your health. If you can’t have that open and honest communication with your therapist, you can’t begin to build a healthy relationship where you trust what they tell you to try and work through your life.

You are loved, you matter and you are cared for greatly, you are worthy of living a long, happy, fulfilling life that goes well past the second decade of your life and into numbers I hope I reach. You are so strong for reaching out, you have a strength i never had at your age, and I wish I did.
Thank you again for sharing

I can see the strength you have slowly building as you write your posts.


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