Feeling mentally tortured

TW: rape
I am having these thoughts every now and then, its torture and I hate it.
I feel anxious and scared every time I am around a man, I was raped by my mom’s bf and I have been feeling like this ever since. I know not every person is like that but I can’t help it and I feel very guilt and ashamed of myself that I couldn’t prevent my mom’s bf from doing what he liked to me.

I talked with my foster mom and she said that she understood my situation but still had some doubts about whether or not I was actually raped because it can only happen to boys or men in very ‘rare’ cases and it just fucking hurt when she said that because it felt like she didn’t believe me, in fact no one does, people think I am lying and trying to gain attention. At the court my bio mom was like “But he (her bf) is such a nice person and besides, he is straight”. It just fucking hurt so much that she was defending her bf instead of taking my side.
It’s absolute torture and I hate it. I don’t even want to live, my life is ruined anyway, i don’t have the courage to ask my foster parents to take me to a therapist and it’s not like they are supportive anyway, they are only in this for the money.

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I feel you. I hope things will get better. I think there are places you can call for support… If your foster parents dont help maybe try a school councelor or a teacher that you like. Dont suffer in silence.

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I can’t get access to them, my foster parents won’t take me to a therapist and they don’t have a school counselor because they are having trouble hiring one due to covid.

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Hello, SteelyJack, first of all, I am so sorry that you had to go through this. These things are really tough to deal with but just remember that things will not be like this forever.
It must have taken a lot of courage to post here on this forum and I am proud of you for reaching out.
I have personally never been assaulted like that myself, but I hope you’re able to cope in some way if you haven’t already.
You will be able to overcome the trauma and those thoughts and just continue your life without feeling like you’re something lesser than human because you were forced to be a victim. Coping is different for everyone, you’ll find your way. Also, cut people out of your life who blame or doubt you, they are only adding more to the trauma and pain.

I know how anxiety can interfere with your life because I have experienced it firsthand however I use some ways to keep myself calm, for example, I get a weird sense of safety if I am wearing heavy clothing or am squeezing a softball. You should try that, it might not work but give it a try or look for support in online communities like those on Reddit or this one here:
7cups.com
I am sure you will heal and overcome these hardships, best wishes.

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Thanks for that website and the support, it means a lot.

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Dear @SteelyJack,

I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. These feelings you describe are unfortunately something I feel and understand as well, and I just wanted to send a bit of love your way today.

You’re not weird or crazy for feeling how you feel. I too struggle with building trustful relationships with men. For me, it seems easier online because there is no physical proximity, but for example I always make sure that the doctors I see are women. I don’t feel safe when I’m alone in a room with a man, even if I know that they’re not going to hurt me. This is about a traumatic experience, something that manifests itself through physical reactions, so being rational during these moments can be really, really hard.

Learning to re-build this trust is going to take time. In the long run, what will help you a lot is to be surrounded by healthy masculine figures, by people who understand how you feel and will respect your own boundaries. Beyond the trauma itself, relationships distrust is healed through… relationships, but healthy ones. It’s okay if it takes time. It’s okay if you struggle to trust others again. People who will listen to you and understand will never expect you to go beyond your limits on this matter.

Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace while you are healing. You deserve to approach your own boundaries in a safe, healthy way, just like you deserve to have people in your life who will respect that. If you don’t have that type of person in your life right now, please know that right here there are people who hear you, who understand, who feel the same way and respect you just as you are. When it’s about healing, there is no wrong or right way to feel. Your emotions and your inner experience are valid, always.

What happened to you was not your fault either. I hear what you say about feeling ashamed, and that is unfortunately not uncommon among survivors of sexual assaults. But you are not guilty. There’s nothing in what you said or did that would have allowed this person to hurt you. Their actions are the result of their responsibility. You didn’t contribute to it in any way. This shame you feel doesn’t belong to you. It’s not yours to carry.

I also hear the context around you and how much it doesn’t help. Your voice is dismissed, your experience is questioned and invalidated, which is not fair. I believe you, friend. I believe your voice, regardless of what your foster mom said. Statistics don’t matter. Personal opinions don’t matter. This is about you, your heart, your body, and no one can invalidate what is part of your pain.

I’m sending love your way. You’re not alone, friend. It feels hoepeless, helpless, but you will learn to heal from what happened. You will learn, at your own pace, to empower yourself again. We’ll be by your side as long as you are willing to do life with us here in this community. :hrtlegolove:

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Thanks a lot for the support, it means a lot especially in these times when I feel like I am all on my own.

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