I just feel like i’m walking on thin air dealing with my disabilities and mental health this or that happens usually. I feel like a rubber band being pulled to its limited being snapped in half because its had enough. I just feel like these past months i have had bad days … When things so small happen but still make me so dang emotional. just because i’m human , just because I am me.it feels likes when I do the right thing for me but they think it is wrong think its “oh your just sweating over the small stuff”. I tried to figure out why i’m so emotional about this incident but it didn’t work.
So what happened was with my anxiety i will have an attack when i’m stressing about anything, that’s bothering me . SO, I had an attack Friday during first period and i let two people know instead of using my safe pass i went to guidance to talk to the front desk lady because shes one of the only people i trust. and i say she helped me and she let me stay in her office for that period and i’m thankful and so 2 days pass by its now Monday, yuck! So, we got done class and we had to prepare for our December concert and out acts. So the thing is I’m apart of two acts and i usually do the mini band act 1st when practicing. and the person who wanted is “in charge” of the other group came and told me that i was needed , i told her calmly i wasn’t in class for this either and she kept telling me it will just be a second , and i was done with it and i walked out went into a stall and locked it. and i just sat their for a minute. minutes later two people came to check on me and i told one of them to stay out of it because it was none of their business cause they aren’t apart of this then another person asked if i was okay and i said something that i don’t remember saying, then walking back to the classroom i told them i wanted to be alone. then one makes a comment of “she needs some milk” and i was about to turn around and straight cuss him out. Yet that wasn’t a good idea. Then all the sudden me and the 2 people get in trouble and i told him straight up i had to walk away , and he was like “you should of told me” ," you know better". and when i got back to where i was i was still in tears i was trying so hard not to continue to tear up and i had to take a breather.
With this happen i felt like i wanted to relapse even though i’m 11 months and about 28 ish days clean and it just made me feel like i wasn’t good enough, that i was a waist of space, that i’m not worthy enough, that i deserve to burn in hell, that i am just not deserving and disappointing to a bunch of people. Why am i such an idiot for letting this get to me . why am i like this. why cant i just get better like i was … but i guess the building blocks are just gonna get knocked over. I am just feeling so hurt for what is my fault but i know that isn’t … i just wish i wasn’t hear because things would of been SOOOOO MUCH better. i don’t know what to do anymore . i’m sorry for disappointing you guys. i don’t know anymore and i don’t know if i can handle it …
Sorry this is so long i just wanted to get out how i feel .