Feeling overwhelmed x.x

Hi again everyone,

Several months ago during a Casey Screams Back segment of the Heart Support stream, we were talking about how I push myself way too hard and that it isn’t healthy. I explained that I don’t really know when to throw in the towel because my expectations for myself are so high and I don’t have what I feel to be an accurate example of what should be enough, as it applies to pushing myself.

I have a long history is working myself to death until I’m absolutely miserable because thats always how it has been. When I was a kid all that mattered was the final grade or the amount of work put it. It didn’t matter if I was sick, if I was in pain, if I didn’t understand or didn’t know how to do something. Because how I felt was not as important as the final product.

When I started working I would sometimes get unlucky and have managers that would take advantage of that and let me work myself to death because I made the numbers look good and as long as the numbers looked good it didn’t matter how I felt. And of course I wouldn’t say a word because I’m not a quitter and I can push through anything! …Which is the problem.

I am extremely strong minded/stubborn. I have always been able to work through the pain to make it to the other side with all the right answers and results, even if I barely made it to the other side, myself.

Today I asked my manager for a personal day.

I have worked 2 10 hr shifts this week and I have very little to show for it (its the nature of the job sometimes), trying to get information for the house has started to become like pulling teeth which is especially frustrating because we are almost to the end of this and I just want to finish strong but it feels like everyone has stopped communicating with me and there’s only so many ways I can ask for information before it gets ridiculous.

I have been talking to my husband about how this home purchase thing is starting to stress me out and I think yesterday at work totally burnt me out because I stayed until almost 6pm which was 10 hours for me and I finally had to tell the person I was working with that I’m tapping because I can’t do this anymore, I still have to be at work tomorrow and nothing is going to get don’t tonight, it just wasn’t possible (that wasn’t me being a pessimist, it literally wasn’t possible).

I told my husband that I was thinking about asking my manager for a personal day tomorrow. I’ve been working here 10 months now and have never asked for a personal day. I am trying to assure myself that it was the right thing to do. During that stream, Casey told me that if I have a moment where I feel like I might be pushing myself too hard but am not sure, to go to the Discord. Since then, the Real Talk channel has been removed so I just decided to post here and just get a baseline I guess.

Is it bad that I’m trying to bail out or is this one of those situations where it is ok to back down? Because I legitimately don’t know.

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You’ve heard the theme here: if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. It’s good enough advice for us to give other people, but advice we can’t take because we’re above it.

Isn’t that paradoxical? Alanis Morissette’s “good advice that you just can’t take” seems silly when other people won’t take it, but that doesn’t apply to each of us who gives that advice.

All the hard work you do doesn’t increase your value as a person, and it doesn’t make you indispensable at work. I’ve had to get beaten over the head with this lesson a few times. gave the best of my teenage years to “excelling” in high school to get into a good college, all to find that it wasn’t the dream come true I was promised. Now, who gives a shit how well I did in high school? After 2.5 years as the most productive associate at Radio Shack, I was let go over the phone by my district manager for failure to perform, along with my store manager and assistant manager. Whenever we hit our performance metrics, the company raised them. What was I working toward? Why did I owe ever-higher performance to a company that was paying me minimum wage? When I finally “made it” in my career, I was the top producer in my group. After a lot of bickering with my manager and an insulting performance review where he found intangible ways to negate my measurable performance metrics, I got thrown a bone in the form of a “generous promotion” that would have had me working 60-80 hours a week. The overtime was supposed to be my raise until the next review. By the grace of God, I was contacted for my current employer for a steady 40 hour position 3 days later. I left money on the table, but I kept my happiness with me. Should I have stayed to work for people who contrived ways to keep me managed? Did they care about me, or what I could do for them?

In time, will The Company miss you if you’re gone? Will your career with them be your legacy? If the answer to these questions is No, look after yourself first.

What’s your “it” at work? What are you working toward? What dream will come true when you get that raise or promotion? If the answer is “I don’t know,” take a breather.

Are you indispensable? Irreplaceable? Will the company fall to shambles without you? If the answer is No, then they’ll be just fine while you take some time to recharge.

From a production standpoint, PTO doesn’t make business sense. Why should they pay someone who’s not working? The answer is humane: companies know that people who burn out are unproductive, unhappy, and bad for workplace morale. While PTO is presented as a perk (and don’t get me wrong, it is), its real purpose is to allow employees time to refresh so they stay content and productive. Take the personal day, that’s what it’s there for.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

My manager got back to me and said, Of course I can take the day off, I deserve it and thanks for staying late these past couple days.

It really meant a lot to get that response even though it is still hard to believe. Not that I don’t deserve it because I know I do, but because its no big deal and she actually cares about me.

As for this job, I really do love it. I like working with technology and nothing is ever the same day to day, there is a lot to learn. Its just becomes very overwhelming and adding on top of it with the house, its just a lot. I would love nothing more than to retire here though, I never thought I would like a job as much as I like this one. So I do want to keep pushing and keep trying, I just don’t know how far is ever too far and I need to work on that.

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I’m working on that balance myself. I’ve landed my dream position, such as it is. Like college all over again, I “did it,” so I’m left facing the question “now what?” That question collided with some intensive work on overcoming my performance-based identity, and now I find myself no longer hustling. That’s not good either. I’m trying to contrive something to work toward, but what? It would be just that, an artificial contrivance.

Good for you! A company’s most valuable resource is its employees (hence Human Resources), and so many performance-driven managers lose sight of that. I’m glad yours recognizes that you’re still human!

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Hey Sapphire!

Here’s my response to your post :slight_smile:

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I will view this after work. Thank you for taking the time to make a video. I appreciate the effort. <3

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Hey - least I can do for a close person in our community!

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Thanks @HS_John and @SheetMetalHead. I am not going to work today. Im also not going to worry about the house today. Might spend the day crafting.

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Hell yea.

…post must be at least 20 characters.

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Hey @Sapphire, I really understand you more than I can express. I often feel the same ways as you, too. :heart:

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