Hi again everyone,
Several months ago during a Casey Screams Back segment of the Heart Support stream, we were talking about how I push myself way too hard and that it isn’t healthy. I explained that I don’t really know when to throw in the towel because my expectations for myself are so high and I don’t have what I feel to be an accurate example of what should be enough, as it applies to pushing myself.
I have a long history is working myself to death until I’m absolutely miserable because thats always how it has been. When I was a kid all that mattered was the final grade or the amount of work put it. It didn’t matter if I was sick, if I was in pain, if I didn’t understand or didn’t know how to do something. Because how I felt was not as important as the final product.
When I started working I would sometimes get unlucky and have managers that would take advantage of that and let me work myself to death because I made the numbers look good and as long as the numbers looked good it didn’t matter how I felt. And of course I wouldn’t say a word because I’m not a quitter and I can push through anything! …Which is the problem.
I am extremely strong minded/stubborn. I have always been able to work through the pain to make it to the other side with all the right answers and results, even if I barely made it to the other side, myself.
Today I asked my manager for a personal day.
I have worked 2 10 hr shifts this week and I have very little to show for it (its the nature of the job sometimes), trying to get information for the house has started to become like pulling teeth which is especially frustrating because we are almost to the end of this and I just want to finish strong but it feels like everyone has stopped communicating with me and there’s only so many ways I can ask for information before it gets ridiculous.
I have been talking to my husband about how this home purchase thing is starting to stress me out and I think yesterday at work totally burnt me out because I stayed until almost 6pm which was 10 hours for me and I finally had to tell the person I was working with that I’m tapping because I can’t do this anymore, I still have to be at work tomorrow and nothing is going to get don’t tonight, it just wasn’t possible (that wasn’t me being a pessimist, it literally wasn’t possible).
I told my husband that I was thinking about asking my manager for a personal day tomorrow. I’ve been working here 10 months now and have never asked for a personal day. I am trying to assure myself that it was the right thing to do. During that stream, Casey told me that if I have a moment where I feel like I might be pushing myself too hard but am not sure, to go to the Discord. Since then, the Real Talk channel has been removed so I just decided to post here and just get a baseline I guess.
Is it bad that I’m trying to bail out or is this one of those situations where it is ok to back down? Because I legitimately don’t know.