It’s been almost a week since I came out with my sexual assault story, and I’ve disclosed to my therapist what happened. This whole thing didn’t even seem that big of a deal until she asked me “when do I think I’ll be able to normally go about finding a relationship”. And that question really broke me down, a lot of my friends are in loving happy relationships, it seems like I’ve seen so many engagements this year. It makes me so angry to know, that it seems everyone else can fall in love and not be manipulated and assaulted and just used. I feel like the world’s playing a big trick on me and I only attract low-lifes and creeps. I hate seeing everyone else happy and thrive and all I can think about is God when will it be my turn, I’ve gone through so much awfulness I think I deserve a good partner. And it just hurts so much to see other people have something I’ve never had and wanted for so long. Like I’m starting to be convinced my purpose in this life is just to keep getting knocked down and suffer. And I don’t know what I’m doing to deserve this I’m trying to become a better person, I’m always there for my friends, I advocate for those less privileged then me. I just feel like I’m in a perpetual groundhogs day of just being stuck dating sleazy guys.
Congratulations again for sharing about your story with your therapist. It’s a very important thing to do, and now you’re at the beginning of a healing journey. For what it’s worth, I think it’s normal if right now you feel a little lost, hurt or uncomfortable with the question she asked to you. It’s her role to ask some thought-provoking questions, so you can learn to know yourself better.
How you feel about this question, about having relationships, is valid. But it also sounds like you are blaming yourself for what happened, which is a consequence of going through abusive relationships. This feeling that something’s wrong with you, that you’re just meant to be used and always fall in love with the wrong people. I felt that, as I too have a story of sexual assault and abuse. I felt like I didn’t have the right to be treated rightly. Not as a personal conviction, but more like something that’s only allowed for others… which is not true. But I felt like I was nothing for a long time. It still comes in waves sometimes and, indeed, it’s a painful feeling. I wish you didn’t have to deal with this.
Your purpose in life is not to be knocked down and suffer, friend. You had your share of pain caused by others. You didn’t ask for any of this. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t caused by something related to you. It was the result of someone’s behavior, choices, decisions.
You’re so right: you deserve a good partner. Someone who respects you, your needs, desires, feelings. You as a unique human being. And what you are doing right now, working with your therapist, is a way to walk towards this desire. It’s a way to process, to understand what happened but also how it makes you feel. About yourself, about life, about relationships… There are good people out there. And not only the people you compare yourself with are allowed to know that. You deserve to feel loved and cared for, to feel safe and to be happy. This is not something unreachable. You’ll just need some time to navigate through all of those thoughts and distinguish what’s true or not.
You are doing great, friend. You’re doing what you need to reclaim your right to exist as you are. To love and be loved. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. And I’m looking forward to the day when you’ll see how beautiful you are, and how much the ones who hurt you before didn’t break you.
Sending love your way.
The things we convince ourselves aren’t “that big of a deal” have a funny way of tearing us apart inside. Also, how does one “normally go about finding a relationship?” If it was that easy, everyone would be coupled. You aren’t doing anything to deserve this; dating just sucks. As for your friends, sure they’re happy now, but I’ll bet there were plenty of times they were manipulated, used, or even assaulted. You are not as alone as you may think. You may or may not know their stories, but look at them and know there are happy endings. Yours is out there, it just hasn’t been written yet. It may feel like it’s taking forever, and it may be objectively taking a long time; but once it comes, all the time that led up to it will no longer matter.
We don’t fall in love with and marry every person we date, and that’s a really good thing! Somewhere out there is a great guy who will count himself lucky to have you. You won’t know who he is or how you’ll meet, but someday you’ll go on your last first date. In the meantime, keep being a good friend and advocate, and don’t stop your self-improvement journey. If you’re sick of getting mistreated in dating, try taking some time to focus on yourself. I know that’s easier said than done, and it has to be something you’re ready to do; but I grew a ton in the 6 months I stopped dating, and I met my wife pretty soon after.
As for the sleazy guys, it’s not that you’re a magnet for them. The lowest and creepiest guys chase anything that moves. They’re insecure, they’re trying to prove something to themselves and the world, and as awful as it is, women are the casualties. They know the right things to say and the right promises to make, and they know how to gaslight women into dismissing their doubts and jumping in with both feet. And sexual assailants are just power-hungry, awful people. You didn’t deserve it before it happened, and it isn’t a reflection of who you are now.
Wow can I relate to this. I am an assault survivor as well and have been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past and it just doesn’t seem fair. Why do I have to go through all of these duds and my friends get to find great guys? Why do some people get more than one loving and happy relationship and I am still trying to heal from trauma I did nothing to deserve.
All this to say I know how you are feeling, I find myself there often. Sometimes when I get down I remind myself of the other things in my life that I prayed for and came to pass. Like this job at HS, It came out of NO WHERE! when I was least expecting it and it ended up being a huge blessing. So often we think of waiting as a punishment but I think it’s actually preperation. This time of wait is so important and I encourge you to think of it as a time for you to heal and learn about yourself. To love yourself well so that others can do the same when you meet the right person. Maybe God is protecting you from more hurt by making you wait. That mindset really helps me! Sending love!
How you doing?
Sorry that happen to you ,there unfortunately people do awful stuff to other people. I can’t image pain what you going through. It fuck up yhst bad thing happen to good people.
That person may have taken your time innocent, but he never taken your strength. It’s take strength to even wake in mourning and face your challenges. There are good men out there and you will find a guy do cares about you.