I lose my appetite, this has happened for a long time but it got worse last year. I can’t go to the doctor because of covid but I consulted online and I got a temporary prescription. It helps me for a short amount of time and what’s next depends on my healthy diet according to what the doctor said. But my diet has never changed for years and I’m just well even though I have dyspepsia. I can’t tell the doctor either that my extreme weight loss and lose of appetite is caused by my mind, but on the other hand, I’m not even sure now what cause all the sickness I have. I feel nausea, dizzy, my body occasionally hurts everywhere, at times I feel like fainting. Each time I close my eyes, my mind would humiliate me, scenes of my past went through, and then there’ll be thoughts which everything says hateful words, self-loath, death.
In the past, dreaming for me was the only escape I had to make me feel better when I woke up. In my dream, life seems normal or on good days, beautiful. Now, I can’t sleep at night because I’m afraid to dream, no matter if it’s only a dream where I met a friend, or a dream where I went to college, all these dreams I’ve had it’s always been unpleasant, I wish so hard that I don’t dream, though knowing it’s something I can’t control. I always wake up with my mind felt like a mush. It’s like a train wreck and if people ask me what’s in my mind, I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel or what to do. I’m just so tired. The only things I feel like doing every day, is to do anything that entertains myself and makes me forget for a while of all the stuffs surrounding me.
My friendship life hasn’t been going well. My family is a broken family, forced to stick together. I have no one, nobody who actually makes me feel happy, maybe not the case for my dad and my grandparents, they don’t really hurt me, but to this time, I still can’t define what it means to be happy.
Everything is the same today. I’m still sick, it’s difficult for me to eat, I still don’t know what to do, and my mind is wearing out day by day. Surprisingly, I caught my mom in the act, unlocking my father’s phone and start scrolling through his messages and probably his gallery. I know it’s not her first time she did it, but I never saw it with my own eyes. I asked her “isn’t that dad’s phone?”. I can see her panicked while laughing it off and said that no, it was hers, at that moment, I felt this nausea start hitting me worse. For your information, that’s the first time in so many years I saw her laugh that big towards me. All she ever shows to me is her displeased and hateful expression towards me, occasionally, just a smile. First time she caught my father saved a picture of women just right out of a I assume, Zumba class, they fought so hard, they’re yelling, shrieking, and then it gets physical to the point my dad’s head bleed because my mom hit him with a glass. My dad fell down the floor, laid on his stomach and called my name several times. The whole fight, I interfere by shouting at them and I raged out too. I locked the kitchen door because the first time this kind of big fight happened, my dad went straight to the kitchen cabinet, grabbed a knife, and he cut himself which fortunately, it’s not a deep cut. I guessed right, he went to the kitchen again aiming for the knife, but I locked the door, he then banged his head on the door many times which I could see, he was desperate.
Before saying it’s my dad’s fault, you have to know what my mom did to me and has done to me, physically and mentally. I endured it so hard for nearly 21 years, but I failed. My self-loath, self-destructive side, are all the result of how I can’t endure my mom’s doings to me, it’s when I stopped being strong and positive that there’s still hope. Most words came out of her mouth felt like a knife to my heart. She’d tell me I’m a failure and I may not teach my little brother anything weird and turn him in to a failure like me when she barely makes time for him, she’d curse me and humiliate me, comparing me to others and comparing me to herself, she’d tell me I’m weak, and always demand me to do something productive and produce money, well, like my friends. My first college was the result of her doings, I quit it and it hit me in my lowest point because in that university, I was outcasted, ganged up on in an assignment, and was talked behind my back a lot. She still blames me for that by saying it was my decision in the first place, and now her money’s a waste. Well, law isn’t my passion and isn’t my first choice in the first place. I fought a lot with her in the past to beg her to put me in a performance of art university.
When she’s in a foul mood, she’d lash out on me. Whenever my little brother did something wrong, she’d blame me. When she gave me unclear instructions and I asked her twice, she’d call me stupid, and one time I did something wrong, a simple one, it’s related to the house key I accidentally brought to my grandparent’s house, and she needed to drive back for less than 5 minutes. All that resulted in me getting punched, kicked, she also grabbed my head, pulled my hair and shoved it back and forth. it’s been bad since I was small around 3 or 5, and it only got worse.
My dad has to put up with all her behavior, and he’s been really patient. I know of the pressure my dad has and the emotional stress my dad has to deal with. Now he doesn’t have any friends, he never hangs out, and whenever he went out to eat or buy something, he never brings his phone anymore. My parents once separated when I was only 1, but get back together again until now, but on the verge of divorce.
I must admit. I felt so lonely and I can’t even begin to describe the word painful. I always and will always bottled everything up for a long time, and handled it pretty bad honestly. I hurt myself physically so I don’t have to feel the pang in my brain and heart. All I can do in all those moments is stare in the void and silence of my room.
Writing this here and post it to public is not my first time. I do this whenever I feel I’ve had enough and I need someone to listen, which unfortunately, I can’t do in reality but virtually in this forum which I feel like a safe space for me. I learnt from now that I don’t expect for responds or answers or solutions, because no matter where I write and what I write, and who I talked to in the past, it’s always the same, similar answer. All I need, is my story to be listened by someone out there, and someone know my story. It’s a strange and weird habit, but I think it’s one of the effects when I have no one I can talk to about my dark sides.
I hate that you’re suffering so much. I believe everyone in your family needs healing. Your parents are causing themselves and each other suffering. You have become a victim of their pain and anger. You have experienced long-term emotional abuse. A very common effect of abuse is self-loathing. It’s as though the subconscious is saying, “surely I have done something to deserve this.” Sometimes we blame ourselves for what other people do to us because we don’t want to hate others.
Stress causes physical symptoms. It triggers the release of cortisol, affecting digestion and the immune system. It can also cause inflammation and a lot of other problems.
It’s remarkable that you are surviving while being surrounded by so much negativity. I wish you could go to a healthier living environment, where those around you are supportive rather than offensive and toxic. Your mom is wrong. You are not weak. Your very survival is evidence that you are incredibly strong.
If you have been living with these conditions all your life, you have not had a chance to discover who you are when you’re not being made to suffer. Because of that, there is no reason for self-loathing, yet even if you were disappointed in yourself, the emphasis needs to be on overcoming problems rather than self-loathing.
In most areas, you can access a helpline by dialing 211. It might be helpful if you can talk to someone in real time, in addition to posting here.
I hope you feel better, and that your situation improves.
Stay in touch.
Dear Merida,
Thank you for taking the time to write out your life situation. It is extremely unfortunate that your experiences have been some of pain and suffering. It sounds like you have a very complicated family dynamic which is not okay in regards to the abuse you have suffered.
I understand the need to be seen, heard, and validated for your experiences in life and your story. I am hoping here and to let you know, that I read your story with full attention, and have felt it out. I want you to know as well that you are doing the best you can with what you got. The part where you described laying in bed staring at the void and silence is one that I resonate with 100. That is quite poetic actually.
I am totally happy you feel safe here to express yourself. That means a lot <3. Wishing you peace and ease as your navigate these waters. They are tricky. Warmly, Dot.
I appreciate all the replies above. It’s been more than 2 weeks.
My new college also started around 2 weeks ago, each day has been sickening. Assignments wouldn’t bother me 2 years ago when I was a real freshman in college. my biggest mistake was reapplied to another university and become a new student all over just to satisfy my parents. as of now, in terms of physically, I’m getting worse again. I was thinking, if I need to find a consultant for mental health from my current campus. I don’t wanna be seen needy or like a snowflake, but deep down I know I truly need something to keep whatever in me, sane. I’ve been to a psychologist once, but never see her again after one time. I really can’t make the decision right now.
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