Last week was a really rough week. I went into the weekend thinking I wouldn’t make it to anything, but managed to get myself out of bed and to things thankfully. All weekend, despite good things going on and pushing through to go to some events, I just feel down still. I keep feeling like a useless piece of trash and unable to be of help to anyone in anything. Like I’m letting friends and family down by simply existing. I couldn’t sleep last night no matter how hard I tried. These thoughts just kept popping in and telling me I don’t belong. I really felt that before going to sleep. Today, I managed to function some, but tonight I’m just down and feeling useless to even myself. Its like feeling down is what is draining those who care and I just don’t want to be a draining life force anymore. I have so much going on this week and I have no idea how to handle it. Trying to make an action plan is failing and I’m spiraling. I’m taking things one hour at a time right now, seeing what I can accomplish and staying to myself. I’m tempted to totally isolate. To cancel everything I have going on and give up. At one point this month, I thought maybe I was legitimately getting better and building a firm foundation out of this depression, but I see that I was just involving myself in whatever I could to feel better (watching movies, playing games, sleeping, binge eating, etc.). I’m useless to myself at this point. And now I’m rambling…none of this makes sense. I want to be better, but is that even attainable? …
It all makes sense. I get it. I’ve been trapped in an endless cycle of these emotions lately too. It’s hard to push through those feelings and remember that we aren’t useless. That our mind is telling us lies.
I hear you friend. I understand the hardships of carrying the weight of these thoughts. Just know that you are loved. You have a friend in me and many in this community. My DM are always open to you.
I appreciate you sweet friend and always so happy to see you. I hope that you start feeling better. Thinking of you.
Here is a little reminder for you.
Why do you feel the need to constantly be better? Why do you constantly feel like you should be more use to everyone around you?
Now, at first reading, those two questions may sound over-critical or even judgemental, but they are not, nor are they meant that way.
Yourself, and, let’s face it, almost everyone else in these forums are in a relatively fragile state of mind, if not also mind and body. Most of us are not in a fit state to be doing much to help others and that is okay, because, at the moment, we are the needs who most need the help. It is only once we have sought and gained or accepted help ourselves, and begun to significantly heal from our wounds, for us to be well enough to help others (beyond words in a forum.) You wouldn’t think twice is an injured soldier fell back for treatment and you definitely would understand if a seriously injured soldier was allowed, if not expected, to retire from active duty for some time, if not even permanently, in the most severe cases…
I’m trying to see how this is meant to be encouraging, but honestly it feels like a reinforcement to how I felt/feel. Unfortunately, since this post, I’ve gotten worse instead of better and I’m…idk…taking it one day at a time I guess.
I apologise if that was the temporary effect. I did point out that you might misread the purposes of my reply. I think if you read it again in a week or so, you’ll see it wasn’t really negative or critical of you in any way…
I also wanted to see how you took my post, before saying anything more…
I want you to know that I also suffer from anxiety and depression and that I also have a fair few burdens to bear myself…
We’re your friends on here, so please don’t take anything as critical or judgemental of you!
I will do that, thank you. I appreciate you.