I feel so alone.
Important side note : I have slow cognitive processing and strong Aspergers traits. In times of stress and anguish, I constantly think I am talking gibberish and become disjointed in what I say verbally and when I write something down. If I jump about in this post, please try and bear with me.
I’ve been single since I broke up with my wife back at the start of 2015 (married for 7 years, together for closer to 10). I met someone just before we broke up and due to being into the fetish and BDSM scene and my wife wasn’t, we had been attempting to give having an open relationship a go between my wife and I. Problem being, there was nothing to “test the waters” until I met someone in December 2014. Once I had started spending time with “D”, it became too much for my wife and we split a month later.
Both “D” and I fell head over in heels in love but being a student from the US and only being in London, England for her first year at University, she had to go back to the US at the end of May 2015. This crushed me more than the end of my marriage and I hardly made it through, to be honest. She was a lot of firsts. First BDSM partner, first person I had been with since my wife and we shared so much together. Once she left, even the friendship fell apart and so did I. I went missing at least once and there were dozens of occasions I daydreamed of jumping in front of cards or underground trains. Thankfully I started seeing a therapist who is not only incredibly intelligent but also has as many years experience on the fetish scene as she does with counselling and therapy.
I’ve been up and down in mood, on and off of medication, but the one thing that had eluded me is a relationship. I’ve had play partners and close friends that I could be close with and sometimes intimate but no one that I could ever call my proper partner.
I had fallen for a long-time friend and a play partner (separate people) but those relationships soured pretty badly and we now no longer talk. They and others have since started a campaign to smear me and have even taken to finding people I had been talking to possible go on dates with, to continue my misery of being alone. The first-ever person I met on the fetish scene also turned against me, stabbed me in the back and ended up with my ex-play partner that I fell in love with, screwing over his girlfriend at the time too.
I’m currently seeing someone that ticks so many of the boxes I would want for a partner/girlfriend, into the same music, into the same kink, easy-going, funny, cute, attractive (stunning in my eyes) etc etc but although she’s happy to play, I don’t think she wants me as I want her… But I can’t let go or even ease off. It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone who even likes the same kinds of things as me, let alone so many, like how in the hell can I give that up?
I’m so terrified of being alone again, I just can’t.
I’m not a bad person, I genuinely want to help people, reach out to those in need and I do my best to speak out on subjects I think need attention but I just want someone to want me for once, instead of me always wanting someone else.
I had a big crash the other week, I had a terrible week at work, other things happened and then I had to spend three hours sitting on my front doorstep because I forgot my house keys on my desk on the morning haze of “Damn it, I woke up again… Guess I’ll go to work then”. Three hours doesn’t sound like much, but after such a horrendous week at work, not getting much thanks for it, it pretty much summed up how bad that week had gotten and I just spent the whole time sitting in my porch because I literally had no fucking energy to go anywhere.
I thankfully got to speak to my therapist a bit through WhatsApp but it’s limited as she has her own life too.
I know I catastrophise too but that still doesn’t change my core feeling that I feel fucking hollow without someone to call my partner. It’s not healthy, it’s not good, it won’t help and for all the raging against the machine I do in speaking out against societies fucking norms and how it should progress to be more inclusive, deep down, I just want to be loved in return.
I posted something in a group on Facebook, one of those positive groups with the aim to just be super nice where people compliment you for no reason kind of thing. I said I was feeling down and needed a pick me up, which is a staple of the group and people usually get a ton of likes and comment… what did I get, not one comment, It fucking sucks when I make an effort to at least react on 99% of the posts out there and when I needed, where the hell was everyone else? Thanks for fucking nothing.
This post is all over the place, I’m just hurting and I feel I am losing my fear of death little by little and I don’t want that to happen, saying this, I can’t go through this heartache again, I just can’t.
Andrew