Feeling Very Hopeless & Helpless

I don’t even know how to begin this. I thought I would turn to here for some help, and it turns out that I don’t even know how to voice it. I’m so good at offering words of support, advice, and love for others, that I forgot how to ask for help for myself. So I’m going to attempt to get this out there in the hopes that maybe it’ll help me, even if it’s just a tiny bit.

My boyfriend, Zach, and I met when we were both in a mental health facility. He was there for detox and mental health, I was there for severe self harm and suicidal ideation. We became friends, kept in touch, and by October 2017, we were dating. Between the months leading up to dating, I had a couple more hospital stays. He never judged me, and always supported me. He’s honestly been the best thing to ever happen to me. But its not an easy relationship, because he is a recovering drug addict who has relapsed a few times.

I thought 2018 would be different. By April 1, I had 6 months self harm free. And then one day, it was like being hit by a semi. I self harmed, he drove me to the hospital, and from there, I went to a psych hospital. He kept in contact and made sure I was okay - until he relapsed once more. April saw another stay, due to skipping meds so I could drink. I felt so lost. I had the EMT’s called on me twice. By June, things were just continuously going downhill for us. His bipolar depression kept getting worse, despite taking his medication. He felt despondent, and attempted to push me away, I stayed with my sister for the week I was off, and it was the worst mistake I could make. By the time I came home, I had self harmed once more, requiring stitches. After spending one night with him, he confessed that he was suicidal. He was being open with me. Honest about his feelings. (I should mention that in the time between April and June, he had overdosed on pain meds). I took him to the hospital. Between now and then, he’s been in the hospital three times for suicide attempts. Stress and med changes put me back in the hospital with a suicide attempt. And he’s managed to leave treatment.

This is long and confusing, I know. I’m sitting in my room totally lost because, as I type this, he’s missing again. He had snuck out of the psych hospital he was in, came home two nights ago begging to just fix things with me instead of the hospital, and then yesterday when I was napping, and hasn’t been back since. My bottle of Xanax is missing. I know where it went. And between stress from roommates, stress from a poor financial situation at the moment, stress from work - I’m at the point where I’m done again. Completely tapped out. I hate to admit that I’m ready for the long sleep - because I just spent the day with the most amazing people from HS on Warped Tour. But unfortunately, momentary happiness doesn’t always cure everything. I’m hoping I can find a solution, that I can utilize the coping skills I’ve been taught. Because I don’t know what else to do and I’m tired of pretending to be strong.

Thank you guys, I love you, you’re the best.

<3 Tara

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Anyone would feel overwhelmed in your situation. Take one day at a time. Do what you can to live the best you can in each moment, knowing you are doing the best you can. You are stronger than you know. P. S. I’m preaching to myself here, too. :blush:

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Friend. Thank you for your honesty and well done for reaching out. It sounds like you’re battling a lot right now and it’s hard to share that weight. I know that he is in a rough position too but you need to communicate because the uncertainty is going to be so detrimental to your path to recovery. Keep posting here. Keep people from this community close - they are going to be some of the best people you meet. Proud of you.

Hold fast.
Kayla

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Dear Tara,
Thank you for having the courage to come here and express what is going on in your life. We love you and will be here to support you 100%. The situation you are in seems very stressful and exhausting. Something that helps me in those times is to go somewhere that is peaceful for you, and just take some time to be completely alone and undistracted. Just do some introspection and dig deep within yourself. It has been a huge help to me.
I hope things get better for you. Love you!

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Hey @tarainutah,

Thank you so much for reaching out! It takes a lot of courage to talk to strangers about your struggles and we’re proud of you! I hope that you find safety and refuge within the HeartSupport community.

I’m so sorry to hear about what is going on between you and your boyfriend. You don’t have to pretend you’re strong because you ARE strong. You have such a big heart because it sounds like you care so much about your boyfriend, too. You’re a warrior. You WILL get through this. Please keep us updated!

-Eric

Hey there,

I know that momentary happiness doesn’t cure everything, but temporary droughts and struggles shouldn’t define your life either. There’s always hope and joy on the other side of the pain.
Self harming is so hard to deal with. I also hung out at Warped Tour a few days ago, and I really had to swallow my pride and ask for a copy of ReWrite. I really want to get better, and I really want you to get better as well.

You ARE strong, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Just reading your story here and hearing what you’ve already been through just proves that you are. I am so sorry you’re going through all of this with your boyfriend and your personal struggles. We love you and are here for you. Please, stay with us and stay strong.

Keep us updated, post if you need something, or send me a message. Whatever will help you through this.
You are loved!

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