Hi, there. Um, I heard of this site from Kitboga and I think I really need it right now.
Basically, I have been thinking a lot about dying and trying somewhat to ignore it. But, a few minutes ago in bed with my boyfriend, he accidentally smashed his head against mine while lying back down and it hurt a lot. I just started crying and crying. All of these bottled up feelings I had today just poured out, he semi put his hand on me but that only lasted for a minute. He didn’t say sorry and that made me cry more. He ended up leaving the room and I followed him out basically asking him why he couldn’t just say sorry and comforted me. He minimized my pain, saying it barely hurt him and that it probably only hurt for 30 seconds. But the thing is, it really really hurt and still hurts when I put pressure on my nose.
Theres a lot more thats been going on too (past trauma stuff) that has really been affecting me. I just feel very alone, hurt and broken. I am sorry if this was hard to read, I don’t really know what I am doing or if anyone will see this??? or if this is even a good idea. I am just desperate for anything now. Thank you
Hey @CozyBee,
I see you. You’re not alone and you are in a safe place in this community. It really takes a lot of strength to reach out while feeling so vulnerable. Thank you for doing so.
It sounds that your boyfriend has been quite insensitive regarding your pain. That’s the kind of interaction that can happen if our significant other is lost in their own thoughts, but, the way he responded to you was still wrong, as even just a sorry would be a matter of basic courtesy. Is that kind of interaction something that happen often? I hear that, beyond the physical pain, the way he reacted hurts as well, and I’ve been wondering if, in the context of your relationship, you feel like you are not considered or seen enough? No assumptions there, just trying to get to know you better, by the way. <3
Trying to heal from traumas can also feel like a very lonely journey. It’s been what most of my life has been made of, and I hear you when you say that you feel utterly broken and alone. Traumatic experiences create this unwanted, invisible wall between us and the rest of the world. Though I promise you that you’re not alone. We may just be online strangers at the moment, but we’re here, and we see you.
This situation with your boyfriend seemed to have opened a door to some very intense feelings to you. As you said, feelings were bottled up and suddenly all of it comes out. Would you like to share about the things that you’ve been bottling up? We’re willing to listen and follow your pace. No judgment here.
I’m sending hugs your way. 
Hi @CozyBee
Welcome to HeartSupport, I am so glad you felt you could come here to share how you are feeling. Firstly I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now.
Worrying about anything especially death I think is normal, we all fear that to a degree however once it becomes an overwhelming fear it is time to take a look at why we have gotten to that point, what is happening in our lives that has got us here and what we can change to make that and those thoughts better I think.
From what you have said clearly there is a lot of things going and you are perhaps not feeling completely supported by your boyfriend, maybe its not the bump on the head that you need his support and comfort with but something a little deeper that you could talk to him about? I would encourage you to open up to him and maybe to someone else also. Have you thought about talking therapy, it may help you to find out why you are feeling the way you are and help to put things into a perspective?
I hope this is of some help to you. I would love to know how you get on.
You are so very important and deserve to be happy and not to spend your life worrying about how it will end but how to enjoy living.
Much Love
Lisa 
Thank you for replying to me! I really appreciate it a lot. My boyfriend has his own issues that he is quite self aware of. Usually in a situation like this he gets frustrated and annoyed at himself and the the situation that just ends up with him shutting down in a way.
I deal with chronic pains, nausea, migraines, and overall depression and anxiety. I feel like over the years now he has gotten less sympathetic and less understanding as well as less believing me. When I called him out for not even saying sorry, he says that I overexaggerate my pain to get attention. Which I do and I don’t I would say. My boyfriend isn’t an affectionate touchy person, and I think he might be aromantic. But I beg for affection and sometimes he just sighs or he pauses and gives a forced “fine”.
My trauma all stems from my mom. She was very verbally and emotionally abusive. Very controlling. I have recently came across the term “Emotional Incest” or “Covert Incest” and it just hit too close to home with my situations with her. I also believe she has a personality disorder as well. She is a very miserable and angry person who would snap at anything. I ran away 3 years ago at 18, and she tried calling the cops to get me back like stolen property even for petty reasons too. I have been mostly no contact as I have no skills or mental capacity to have a relationship with her at this time.
Due to me running away, I have lost friends who were bad influences, (One friend tried convincing me to “Call a lonely guy for money” which ended up her explaining it as more of a sex camming situation when knowing I am in a relationship and never asked or even gave the impression that was something I would have ever been into.)
But I just have no friends of my own now and when something bad happens in my relationship. It’s like I am sucked back to being alone. Thanks for listening, I hope you are good today.
hi friend BogaFam high five
So glad you came across and shared with us. Thank you for that.
Sounds like you’ve been going through a lot of things, for a long time. Sometimes it take a stubbed toe to be Too much and we finally let everything out. I’m really glad you’re talking about it and trying to work through it.
This part I wanted to ask about, if i could:
he semi put his hand on me but that only lasted for a minute.
Do you mean like a comforting touch? Would this have made the pain better?
If so, it sounds like you and your bf have different ways of conveying affection and comfort, if you’re more into physical comfort and he isn’t. This can be stressful if you both feel pressured or unfulfilled. Is there a way you two can have a talk about this, maybe with a therapist?
Really hope that you find some happiness and peace, and you got friends here 
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