so i officially graduated college recently. and im starting to panic. as student loan payments are coming, im starting to feel doomed and cornered and trapped. my parents told me they could afford a school that they actually couldnt and now im facing a lifetime of debt. it’s so terrifying. i got a degree in german studies that im not using because my senior year i spent alone and scared in germany. and im not a go-getter. i dont know how people do stuff. having to go to classes in germany was hard enough as it was, there was no way i was gonna line up a job for myself back here, at home. plus, i dont feel confident enough in my german anyway (depending on the day). right now im working at sephora 20 hours-ish per week. its alright. its just scary because at this rate im not making much money especially in comparison to my loans. but 20 hours already has such an impact on my mental health. i just
dont know if ill be able to survive this world. even with repayment options and support from my parents whom i live with, im so full of fear. im thinking of applying for stocking jobs because thats mentally not too hard for me. i mostly do stocking at sephora and i definitely prefer it to being on register and having to pitch credit cards to people just trying to shop.
also people on the internet tend to try to point out how dumb it is to go into debt for a useless degree but trust me, i know. i just want to feel supported despite my mistakes.
all this kinda adds onto my fear that im unloveable. i have hpv, mental illnesses, massive debt, no promising careers. like i do like myself and i know that if im alone forever ill be okay.
but thinking about how it feels like every aspect of my life is tainted by something feels really bad! like why am i excluded by god from things like sex, financial comfort, comfort in social settings, i guess one of my emotions would be anger.
im angry at whoever god or fate is.