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Feeling worthless, unsure, lonely, near suicidal

I feel like I’m dying inside. After nearly 18 years together, my girlfriend told me that she feels trapped in our relationship, because I’m not getting better. I used to have creativity and fire. I used to know what I wanted as far as what I created. After going through several traumatic events since we’ve been together, I’ve been largely paralized as far as my emotional growth goes. She was able to do meditation and yoga and get past alot of what is bothering her. It took me year of work before I was even able to afford therapy and find a therapist who will work with me instead of just throwing pills at a problem. Because of problem at work with a tyrannical boss making me feel like I wanted to kill myself, or him, on any given day, I’ve been shell shocked as far as work ever since. I have trauma that I’m unable to let go of. I’m not sure how to move forward without ripping apart my own life.
I love my girlfriend. She’s saved my life a few times already, including one time back in 2008 where I was losing everything and was literally dying of depression. I tried to be there for her, for as long as I can remember, and she’s tried to do the same for me, but since my pain and trauma has largely interfered with how she views our relationship, she has grown impatient as far as me trying to get through my pain. She says she loves me, and she understands that I would never hurt her, or make her feel bad on purpose, and that I provide for her. But she says she feels trapped. Like if she broke up with me bad things would happen and shed wished she never done that. She feels like if she left me, there would be backlash from her mom and my family, but she’s pained because she can’t stand what I am now. She understands that I’m tying to work on myself but is upset by me not making any progress after years of pain. I know people say that people who are fucked up shouldn’t be in relationships because they can’t love themselves, and I think that’s bullshit. I can’t imagine a worthwhile life without her. If she left me, I would kill myself. That’s how I feel.
I’ve been so busy in therapy working to get past trauma, but its taken a toll on my relationship with her, and now I’m not sure if I can trust her because of what she said last night. I told her I have severe abandonment issues after not being able to keep friends for the first 6 years of my life because of having to move around constantly, and because my first girlfriend back in HS ditched me to experience other men, after nearly a year together. I loved her, but her dumping me, made me want to kill myself. I spent a week in a mental hospital and was put on pills again at the time. I barely made it out of there and had to graduate homeschooled because I couldn’t go back to school at the time.
My current girlfriend has seen what I’ve been through, and knows the pain I’ve suffered and she wouldn’t want me to continue to suffer but she’s unsure what to do. She’s hanging on by very little, and I feel like I am too. She feels that talking to be about these things is mentally and emotionally exhausting and she doesn’t have the strength to do it all the time. I hate that I’m putting her through any pain at all, but I don’t know what else to do. If I was left alone I’d probably kill myself some way.
I wish I could die quickly and painlessly so I wouldn’t have to feel this pain anymore, and so that people on earth wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore and they could just go on with their lives. I’ve been this way for so long, everyone has tried to put me on pills instead of helping me work through my pain. All the trauma I’ve been through in my life has left me in a state where i’m unable to get rid of my painful memories, and wish for karmic balance, or vengeance for what I’ve been put through. I’ve posted another thread on that already.
At this point, other than being hospitalized forever, or killed, I don’t see any way out of this that lets me keep my girlfriend and my life at the same time.
I don’t know what to do. I just wish I never existed.

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From: splonksh (Discord)

hi, they are giving you pills to help, you can always go see a therapist on your own if you really need to. but we are here for you if you ever need help! thanks for sharing

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From: RocquetMan (Discord)

Hey. Thank you so much for sharing. You’re going through a lot at the moment. Allow yourself the ability to experience all of the emotions that are currently coursing through you. Relationships are already hard and they’re made even harder when one of you is hurting because you’re both able to feel the pain one or the other is experiencing on another level. That’s not a bad thing by any means, it just takes an extra toll on each other when you see someone you love struggling. It’s not easy. It might be beneficial for the two of you to attend couple’s counseling if that’s something that you’re both up for. I know suicide sounds like the solution to your issues but I can promise you that the thoughts you’re having regarding the possibility of people not worrying about you anymore will never go away no matter what happens. You’re doing the best you can. You’re going to therapy and attempting to work through your struggles and that’s amazing. Be kind to yourself because you’re much stronger than you think. Attempt to find something that brings you joy. Whether it be drawing or reading or hiking. Make time for yourself. You can do this. You are loved. Hold fast.

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hey there cmscalvert,

first off, thank you for sharing this raw, transparent journey with us. your honesty and vulnerability is appreciated by me and hopefully anyone else that comes across this post that can now feel not as alone in their own struggle. which is to say, you are not alone, my friend.

18 years is such a long and meaningful time for your relationship to see its shares of ups and downs. i am glad you have had her and she has had you this whole time. but as you recognized, it’s not easy as you have gone through your own set of trauma as has she. you also articulated that the main road-block in your own growth, as well as the path to a healthier relationship with your girlfriend, is the trauma you’ve experienced throughout your life. there are ways to get to this goal of growth and peace by re-igniting those old creative outlets/fires that you once were passionate about and finding a therapist that is able to dissect your trauma and “massage out the knots of trauma.”

i know right now you probably feel such a wave of hopelessness but please allow me to be your person to say “hope is coming, you just need to keep moving forward until you reach it.” it’s gonna be fuckin hard, it’s gonna be a little messy, but i need you to conquer this roadblock so your relationship and own self can succeed because the way you’re feeling now is no way anyone should feel.

i am cheering you and your girlfriend on as you find the best path forward, full of hope, love, and a refreshed perspective on life. you got this, my friend.

love,
twix

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Thanks. The pills don’t help. They made me more anxious and scramble my brain so I can’t think. Either they aren’t the right pills, or Pills are wrong for me, and I don’t have time to figure that out while work passes me by and I get fired for being out so long.
I’ve never liked the idea of “better living through chemistry” as far as mental problems go. I never will. That works for some people, but it never has for me. Sorry.

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Thank you for responding. I’ve been suicidal off and on since my teens. I’ve struggled through trauma and pain and wishing I was dead, for over 25 years. The only times I’ve been able to keep those feelings at bay is when someone needs me. I do what is needed then crawl back into my hole. There’s nothing in my life that truly gives me an overwhelming sense of joy. There’s nothing that is truly mine. I’m the jack of all trades and master of nothing. Whatever I pride myself in, there’s always someone who does it much better and makes me feel worthless. I may have people who care about me, but maybe I don’t care enough about myself or them like I should. Maybe that’s why I feel i’d be better off not existing. I’ve been strong enough to survive, but I haven’t done it alone. Other people have kept me alive. If it wasn’t for them, i’d have been dead a long time ago. I don’t know my purpose, but I don’t want it to just be helping people. To me, that’s boring and unsatisfying. I don’t want to spend my life shining other people up to succeed. I want to succeed too, but I don’t think I ever will.
I’m not sure how to make time for myself because I’m always taking responsibilities and doing what I have to. I’m constantly busy doing so. I veg on TV, but that’s it. It doesn’t help me grow. I’m struggling to find purpose in life. I’m sorry. Thanks for responding.

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I’m doing what I can in therapy. I’m telling my therapist what I’m going through and why I feel the way I do. I’m dissecting it bit by bit, but there’s something missing that’s keeping me for getting past my old wounds and moving forward. There’s nothing out there to balance the scales in my favor so that I can move forward without feeling I need vengeance to clear the roadblocks of my life, and unlock the dormant potential I had that was taken from me when I was in my teens. I pray for hope, but it can’t come fast enough. I want this pandemic to end so I can do more to make myself happy; So I can pursue some things I’ve been working on but have had to stop because of it. I don’t want to have to cry anymore, or stuff down my pain to get by. Just wish I could live on my own terms, rather than feeling worthless trying to live up to everyone else’s standards. I don’t know how.
Thanks for replying.

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