This is probably going to be long because I’m just going to let everything out all at once and there’s a lot that’s been bubbling under the surface for a while that I just need to let out somewhere.
For starters, I feel like people only want to use me. People have used my body, my mind, my compassion. I don’t think there’s a piece of me left that’s my own. Every time I give someone a part of me and trust them, they use it or discard it. No one really wants me for me and I hate that. I just want someone to actually care about me. And I know there are people who do, truly I know. But everyone I want to care about me doesn’t. I’m so tired of trusting people only for them to break me even more.
And then my body keeps hurting more and more with each passing day. I’m going to the doctor, but that’s in two weeks. I need to figure out what’s going on because my body hurts all the time constantly. There’s no escaping that pain because it’s always there. I can always feel it. I don’t want my body to hurt all the time, but it hurts anyway.
The entire system got into a fight the other day and now several people aren’t on speaking terms which is making things very complicated for us. It kinda deprived me of sleep a bit because they were all yelling at each other at two in the morning. Honestly, I have no idea what they were fighting about, nor do I care. I just hope they make up soon so we can all be over this and it’s not going to make us dysfunctional for much longer.
I’ve had progressively worse flashbacks that just keep getting more vivid with each new memory. Each one is worse too. I ended up hitting my head a bunch the other day just because a song triggered a flashback. Even when I ground myself it still hurts and it’s still scary and I’m powerless over it. And worst of all I’m so scared of having a flashback in front of people because I know I’ll start acting weird and probably crying and I don’t want people to see me like that.
I’m just so sick of dealing with this. I want to take a break from living, but I have so much I need to do. It’s just exhausting to be here. It’s exhausting to have to deal with all of this. I just hope there isn’t one more thing that gets added onto the list of “Things That Are Pretty Shitty Right Now”
with your first point of people not wanting you for you, i think one of the hardest but most important lessons i’ve learned in my 25 years is that those people don’t deserve you and all of the awesome things you have to offer to that relationship. i totally get that feeling though of wanting everyone you want to care about you to do so but sadly, that’s just out of our control. so the only thing really in your control is to recognize that some people aren’t going to live up to your expectations but how cool is it to have people in your life truly care about you like you said? i bet they’re amazing people! <3
for your body hurting, i wish you the best of luck for your appointment in 2 weeks. i hope your doctor helps you find some answers and even a treatment plan!
also, i’m sorry your system is giving you so many troubles, keeping you from sleeping, and fighting. i’m hoping for the best as well for your system to all resolve their tension and for you to stabilize your sleep cycles. sleep is one of the best forms of medicine tbh, it always helps my own chronic pain. i hope that your system will allow you a good night’s rest to also heal up your physical pain!
lastly, i’m so sorry that the song triggered horrible memories for you. have you been able to talk through the flashback with a loved one so you will no longer have anxiety over crying in front of them during those moments? i remember having the most cathartic cry to my mom when i told her about one of the events i developed PTS over and it really took the blow out of my reactions since then. it wasn’t easy, god no, but it helped. and if something ever pops up on a show/movie that contains a moment that could trigger my memory, she tells me to close my eyes and ears.
all in all, i hope you can take this weekend to take it easy especially after adding so many things to your “Things That Are Pretty Shitty Right Now” list. do what you need to do to take care of yourself, get prepared for your doc appointment in 2 weeks, and hopefully get some rest. sending you the best of wishes your way!
Thank you for your support. With my physical health going crazy, I’ve been even more stressed than usual because I’m overly paranoid I’m going to die at any given moment. Even currently I’m stressed in my bed thinking I’m having a heart attack, when I know that’s not true because I’m a healthy young person who excersizes plenty enough, It is really stressful, and I’m not sure how to handle it. My body IS hurting, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s my own doing. It’s beginning to take a toll on my sleep too, which is affecting my schoolwork. I just want to head to the doctor to get this all over with so I can finally relax.
We’ve been struggling. Though I did go out today, and I do feel pretty good about it, my health anxiety is worsening with every given day. It’s becoming a disability for me. We’ve even developed another alter just from all the medical stress. I’m really struggling with handling all of this, and I just want this all to go away. I don’t want this anxiety disorder. I keep distrusting doctors and thinking they missed something. I’m not sure what to do at this point.