Before I start this, my feelings are what they are and they will never change. I feel no love for my brother whatsoever. I’m not looking for advice or responses. I realize that my attitude and actions may come off immature but at this point, I don’t care anymore. Just venting because no one else will listen or care.
I was abused for a really long time by one of my older brother. When I say abuse, I’m not talking about how brothers normally act. He would go out of his way to make me feel horrible when he didn’t have any drugs and he would get physical with me sometimes.
I hate him. Every ounce of his waste of skin. I hope his girlfriend (who is the mom) gets some sense and takes his kid.
I’ve had the “It’s not him, it’s the drugs!” talk so many times now that my reaction to that now is to belittle and frustrate people whenever they bring it up. I do that to everyone. Why should I consider their’s or my brothers feelings when mine aren’t?
Whenever my family, specifically my mom, talks about me talking to him, it makes me want to work harder at killing myself. I’ve already tried 8 times this year so far.
They’ve tried convincing me it was peer pressure and the friends he hung around with, which I now laugh at and always come back with “He could have walked away.”
If they really cared about my feelings, they’d drop this topic. I get that my mom wants a big happy Brady Bunch family but it will never happen. I’ll be dead before that happens.
Hey man, I’m sorry these are the feelings you are experiencing regarding your brother right now. And I completely understand where you are coming from when you say “why should I consider their’s or my brothers feelings when mine aren’t?”, because it is not fair that those around you will simply brush off these negative feelings you express regarding your brother.
No one in this community is here to judge you or make you feel less than for the way you feel about your current situation. Please also understand that many of us in this community also struggle with having to come to grips with horrible mistakes of our past, whether our actions affected someone else or ourselves in a negative way. Because of this, many of us feel that everyone who makes mistakes deserves second opportunities to better themselves or to try and atone for their mistakes. In my experience, forgiveness is one of the most difficult things for the human mind to arrive at, but the amount of weight that it takes off your mind is like lifting a mountain off your shoulders. I’m not telling you any of this because I think you should forgive your brother, I just want you to know that these are the types of perspectives you will experience when you share your feelings here at HeartSupport.
Killing yourself or attempting to is not the answer, and in doing so I believe you are giving your family and your brother too much power over your life. Please stay, please continue to post and let us know how things change if at all. We are here to support you, we love you and care for you and we just want you to be well.
Hold fast man.
Hey. I don’t blame you for hating your brother. You don’t ever ever ever have to love him. It’s okay. Just realize that spending your time, energy, and mental health hating him isn’t hurting him whatsoever. It is only hurting yourself. At this point the best thing you can do is work on healing. I know it’s a long, hard difficult process. It will take a long time to overcome that trauma. But believe me when I say that it is SO worth it. Please stay. There is so much you can do to spread love in this world still. And I’m sure you could agree with me when I say that the world needs a lot of this. Stay strong, stay safe, stay alive. You are so loved. I hope this helps.
I get the logic of forgiveness but I feel if I do, that’s me saying “It’s ok that you did all that to me. My feelings never mattered in the first place.”
The world does need love but I don’t want to be apart of this world
Please stay. You are so loved