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Feelings of Abandonment/ Coping when Betrayed


#1

Hi Heart Support.

I feel lost and numb. I do not necessarily know what to do, or if things will improve.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child from a long term babysitter.
This series of traumas fostered deep coping method of suppression, isolation and self hatred. My worth for most of my life was built around giving others worth.

God is my number one through all of this hes been constant. However I used him as a way to say i could not do things or say things, or speak about how I was really feeling. How i was hurting with true intimacy. My best friend worked with me through a lot of tough things(probably my first love).To celebrate one year of intensive therapy and finally processing childhood trauma i went to see that best friend of 15+ years.

On my 21st my best friend drugged and raped me. It has been beyond tough (processing this has made me come out to my self as Bisexual because I had to be honest about how much I loved him and how much this hurt) It has been two years since the assault.I am trying to understand PTSD and what it means to me. I have had deep thoughts of suicide for along time. Therapy helped so much. Being raped after all this fighting for intimacy and being present has been so tough. Especially since the trauma is from someone I loved so deeply and trusted with my life.

I do not know what to do any more. I almost failed out of college twice. Most of my friends have left because they hate watching my battle with suicide, anxiety, PTSD and depression. I went to a mental hospital a couple month ago and did a month of intensive treatment. I’m trying out prescribed mediation, therapy and groups for the ways I have self harmed in the past. In this past year most of my remaining close friends wont even talk or hang out anymore. I feel numb. Medicine has mostly been OK but i have gained a lot of weight in the process (which would be ok but many people comment on it and compare my appearance to how I was before my assault). I feel ugly, fat, dull and not the bubbly out going compassionate man i was before I was raped and all that followed

I am tired of fighting a losing battle. The more I fight the more people have left me. I really only have co workers and my parents, with one or two friends here and there. I’m hurt, I’m tired and I don’t think things can get better. I have been so hopeful these last six years, it feel as if things have only gotten worse. I’m trying to not be mad at God, myself or others. I am heartbroken, I do not know what to do or even how to communicate any more. Thank you so so much for listening. I hope your week is filled with blessing. I will try my hardest to keep putting one foot in front of the other and fighting the good fight with each one of you, one step at a time., God bless you and thank you so so so much.


#2

Hi @TWGF-301, [quote=“TWGF-301, post:1, topic:3382”]
My worth for most of my life was built around giving others worth.
[/quote]
I understand this. Even now, I feel like a real bitch sometimes so I try to help others on heartsupport.
We all want to feel loved. We all want to be happy. And sometimes the road to get there is hard.
I want you to know that you are so, so strong. You survive, you are still here, still hopeful, after all that’s happened. Try to be bulletproof, my friend. You’re a survivor.
People are terrible and at times we don’t understand or know them at all anymore. And the best thing we can do for ourselves is to show ourselves that those people will not stop us from living our lives. They will not dictate the way we live and how we die.
You feel like you’ve gained weight, but so what? Being skinny, like all those people seem isn’t important. Who says you have to be skinny and have the most perfect-looking body? We are not made from stone. People these days focus so much on the outside. I couldnt care less. I don’t care what your weight is, you are still a human being, no less than anyone else. It’s better to have some weight and be who you want to be than be skinny and unhappy.
First you have to love yourself before you put yourself to be loved by others. If we’re betrayed, hurt, broken, then we know we have each other and ourselves to lean on.
I know it feels like a losing battle, but this will not last forever as long as you keep fighting and keep your head up.
Bulletproof, that’s what you are. I believe in you.

Reason To Live - KISS


#3

Hi TWGF-301,

It seems like one of the biggest parts of your battle is knowing how to open up or be honest with those around you and your loved ones. And you know, that completly makes sense. You have been hurt in unfair and cruel ways. But I just want to remind you that those attacks are not your fault. You are not broken or damaged or less than. You are fighting a battle with burdens and challenges and I think it is so amazing that even though you are having trouble communicating you still were able to post here! That is such a small step, but also a really big one too. And I also think its really great that you are in therapy and groups and are seeing a doctor. Remeber that trauma and PTSD literally changes our brains and it will take time and patience (especially from yourself) until you start to feel whole. And that sucks. Its okay to be angry about it. Its okay to be sad or frustrated or hurt or to be okay one day and not okay the next. Your emotions are valid and all of your emotions need to be felt so that you can begin to heal. I know you have friends that seem to be leaving, but I hope you know that this community will be here for you. God grieves when you grieve and hurts when you hurt. And he celebrates on the days that you wake up in the morning. Like you said one step at a time, and God is there for them all. So are we.

Love,
Cassie