Hi Heart Support.
I feel lost and numb. I do not necessarily know what to do, or if things will improve.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child from a long term babysitter.
This series of traumas fostered deep coping method of suppression, isolation and self hatred. My worth for most of my life was built around giving others worth.
God is my number one through all of this hes been constant. However I used him as a way to say i could not do things or say things, or speak about how I was really feeling. How i was hurting with true intimacy. My best friend worked with me through a lot of tough things(probably my first love).To celebrate one year of intensive therapy and finally processing childhood trauma i went to see that best friend of 15+ years.
On my 21st my best friend drugged and raped me. It has been beyond tough (processing this has made me come out to my self as Bisexual because I had to be honest about how much I loved him and how much this hurt) It has been two years since the assault.I am trying to understand PTSD and what it means to me. I have had deep thoughts of suicide for along time. Therapy helped so much. Being raped after all this fighting for intimacy and being present has been so tough. Especially since the trauma is from someone I loved so deeply and trusted with my life.
I do not know what to do any more. I almost failed out of college twice. Most of my friends have left because they hate watching my battle with suicide, anxiety, PTSD and depression. I went to a mental hospital a couple month ago and did a month of intensive treatment. I’m trying out prescribed mediation, therapy and groups for the ways I have self harmed in the past. In this past year most of my remaining close friends wont even talk or hang out anymore. I feel numb. Medicine has mostly been OK but i have gained a lot of weight in the process (which would be ok but many people comment on it and compare my appearance to how I was before my assault). I feel ugly, fat, dull and not the bubbly out going compassionate man i was before I was raped and all that followed
I am tired of fighting a losing battle. The more I fight the more people have left me. I really only have co workers and my parents, with one or two friends here and there. I’m hurt, I’m tired and I don’t think things can get better. I have been so hopeful these last six years, it feel as if things have only gotten worse. I’m trying to not be mad at God, myself or others. I am heartbroken, I do not know what to do or even how to communicate any more. Thank you so so much for listening. I hope your week is filled with blessing. I will try my hardest to keep putting one foot in front of the other and fighting the good fight with each one of you, one step at a time., God bless you and thank you so so so much.