I have had some type of anxiety since my earliest memories and a constant low level of self-esteem. I recently began to medicate for my anxiety once I was able to admit to myself that it was causing myself and others pain. After starting on low dose Zoloft, I started to feel so much better. I felt lighter, happier and the small issues were easier to brush off. Then the pandemic happened.
My Girlfriend has two children 11 and 9 and they had struggled massively with home schooling with her while I was at work ( frontline worker so I had to go in every day and do the other tasks that involved being in public). I developed a deep fear of COVID and the isolationism at work was also difficult to adjust to. I would constantly worry about my gf and how the kids were doing at school. Who decided to get really pissed off and throw/break stuff around the house because they didn’t want to be on a zoom meeting. This started to engulf my mind while at work and I was barely able to concentrate on my work. This anxiety grew so large that I had a panic attack at work and had to take a week off.
I spoke with some emergency counselors over the phone and really broke down. I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings my whole life. The feeling of not wanting to be alive so all of the pain would go away. I’ve never physical hurt myself or even thought about how I would. This emotional breakdown changed a lot and for the first time, I did create a plan of how and when to end it all. I did not tell the counselor that night and I plan to keep the detail private. I eventually was started on some new meds specifically ativan for my panic attacks. I am not a huge fan of this med. It just dulls everything out but the feelings, memories, pain and suffering are still crawling under the surface trying to escape, you just stop giving a shit about them.
A follow-up appt with my MD to review the changes in my meds and we discussed depression treatments. I was started on wellbutrin XL and it started to slowly work. Previously to this appt, I was recording everything in a journal about why I should end it all, how nothing matters anymore, for all my life I tended to be a for a lack of a better word “good child” so I made a list of bad and dumb things to do. I also wrote a last will. Thankfully, I never went through with any of the above items. The combination of the wellbutrin and finding a counselor on BetterHelp got my life turned around.
back to current life and I am almost 2 months removed from the passing of my grandmother after she contracted COVID from a nursing home and spread it to my parents. My parents are doing fine but this disease took my grandmothers life on Christmas day. I read the eulogy at the small church memorial service. While my family was in awe of the words I send, I can’t help feel that I did her an dis-service. I barely spoke with her in the months leading up to her passing, her health declined rapidly after falling before thanksgiving. I still miss her so much and her passing is causing insurmountable pain.
To pile on to that, I am living in a house that has been receiving renovations since June. I haven’t had a kitchen since July. New and better house problems keep popping up and I’m running out of money. I have no clue how I’m going to pay for all of this. I avoid looking at my bank accounts or credit cards because I know a panic attack is imminent. My gf isn’t working due homeschooling and I consider homeschooling to be her full time job and I don’t resent her for not working. She is collecting unemployment but I wish she would spend slightly less money buying shit for the house. I avoid confrontation like COVID so there is no way for me to tell her that, esp since home repair project bring her happiness. The thought of picking up a part-time gig to supplement my income makes me want to jump. The children are also dealing with a ton of bullshit from their dad and after every weekend visit, they come home miserable and ready to take all their hate out on us. I’m trying to be as patient as I can with them. they are going through unprecedented times and life isn’t fair for them now. But I don’t deserve to be a fucking idiot when I ask one of them to take a shower.
I was doing so well but it’s all falling back apart and I just don’t care anymore. I was recently hospitalized with a bad skin infection and swelling in my knee. I was hoping everyday that it would take a turn for the worse but I don’t have that kind of luck.
For anyone who reads all of this, God bless you. You are probably a better person than I will ever be. I am going to call the first response line that work provides for me tonight. Leaving for home now and I’m overcome with anxiety as to the state of house (who destroyed what) and how many people will be cursing and yelling at each other.