Feels like I’m drowning

Currently I’m working graveyard shifts with extremely mentally ill adults it’s very taxing on me I’m here by myself from 10pm-8am. I’ve been job searching for something with normal hours, I left my previous job of close to six years for this thinking it would be a better opportunity since it’s closer to home but a $4 pay cut I haven’t been getting the best sleep and I find it really taxing I’ve been using marijuana in the morning to help put me to sleep. On top of this 3 days ago I found out that my grandma has liver cancer and we’re not sure if it’s spread or not I’ve been absolutely heartbroken and crying everyday. Last night driving to work I ended up hitting a dog. It has just been one thing after another piling up. My parents aren’t the most supportive when it comes to mental illness I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I’ve tried about 6 or so medications and none have really worked for me they’ve ended up turning me into a mindless drone. I have a loving and supportive boyfriend who is my best friend. But I’m scared that with all my shit going on he’ll get overwhelmed and possibly leave I’m trying really hard to get a grip on things but nothing has been helping and I feel like things are getting darker. I also have panic attacks. My doctor won’t prescribe me xanax due to the nature of it being habit forming. I just feel so lost and I don’t know what to do.

Hey @energymerlot

On the topic of xanax, I would not recommend it. While I haven’t taken it myself, I dated a girl who was prescribed it for anxiety and it didn’t do much good for her. As someone who has been on a fair few antidepressants I believe that they can be very useful in treating depression/anxiety, but we must be careful that we use them as a crutch with the intent to live healthily without them one day as opposed to relying on them solely to remain functional.

It sounds like your job is incredibly taxing. While it is a noble pursuit, please don’t sacrifice your health (both mental and physical) just to keep working. In order to take care of others, we need to first take care of ourselves and if we allow our health to deteriorate we may end up needing a lot of help ourselves.

As for everything else that is happening in your life, damn, it all does sound pretty rough. I can’t really think of any advice to help there but I’ll be praying for you. Stay strong and don’t give up, oftentimes things turn out far better than our depression makes us think they will.

Thank you so so much Tim I appreciate your kind words very much. I just wish things would mellow out soon. Or at least I could just take the longest nap ever lol

I don’t know much about the other things you’ve described but I’ve definitely had to watch a lot of my family through their deaths. It can be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. The point that’s helped me through all of that was remembering that while they were with me I spent my time easing any suffering they had, doing what I could to make them happier, and loving them unconditionally. I know that may not mean a lot right now. But I think it will eventually for you.