Feels like its time to go. (Just venting?)

Been depressed all my life. I been waiting and had hope to get better but in reality it has never happened. Even when I have had “everything” I somehow manage to be depressed and suicidal. I have been waiting for a moment when there is nothing important going on like no birthdays or no holidays cause I don’t want my suicide to be on a special day so they can’t be remembered as the day that I died.

I have been staying alive to not cause pain to others with my death but I wonder, what about my pain? Am I selfish if I kill myself? or are they selfish to want me to live with this pain? Would it not be better for everyone to know that I’m not in pain anymore? Will my death really bring chaos to the life of those I love? Some of these questions are crazy some I will never know the answer to. Would I want my son to commit suicide? Absolutely not. Would I want him to live in pain? Absolutely not… Although I grew up without a father… They can do it too right?

Should I care about who finds my body? Will the pain be less if they don’t find my body? Does it even really matter if Imma be gone anyways?

Been praying to God to help me find hope and make me see the light and feel better. Little by little I stop to believe… With nothing important on the way for a couple of months. Maybe this is my queue maybe is my time to bring the relief and end my pain. Maybe tommorow… Maybe the next day? I been practicing and I have come so close to death that I don’t fear death anymore. My only fear is that my kids think that I left them and that I did not love them. But I guess they still young and they can grow without me like I grew without my dad. I just hope there is nothing on the

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Hi PostMortem,

I’m so sorry that you are so unhappy that you feel the only answer is to end your life. Your pain is just as valid as everyone else’s, but perhaps you just haven’t received the proper help you need in order to overcome your depression. I don’t know this as I don’t know you, but I believe that nobody is their depression. Nobody is their suicidal thoughts. They can be consumed by those things, but there is always a person underneath worth saving.

I would like to share a story with you. (Trigger Warning - Suicide)

When I was 5 years old I lived in Alaska with my grama. One of her son’s, her youngest, lived with us there and her other son, 23, lived in the Midwest where a lot of other family live. I remember she got a phone call from my aunt telling her that her 23 year old son was found hanging in his bathroom. My grama was understandingly hysterical, and we all still miss him.

He had a 2 year old daughter when he died. She is now 29, and one of her biggest regrets is that she never really got to know her dad. I can’t speak to what she has been diagnosed with because I haven’t asked, but I do know she suffers from anxiety and depression.

I’m not saying these things to guilt trip you. I’m simply sharing that in my experience, suicide has ripple effects that are ever present in people’s lives long after a person commits suicide, and I believe that the people who the person commiting suicide believes doesn’t care about them or would forget about them can be the ones who are hit the hardest.

I don’t think that suicide is ever the answer. I’ve been down and out. I’ve lived on the streets. There were times I didn’t know if I would eat again. But there is always a way out if you look hard enough. Please don’t take this wrong - I don’t mean to trivialize your situation. You clearly have strength for having stuck around this long in spite of your depression. I just hope that you continue to be strong so that you can see yourself out of these dark times.

Have you tried talking to a trusted friend or family member or perhaps looking into therapy or the suicide hotline? Please, stay strong, friend. You can make it through this.

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Thanks for ur post. I have done a of the above nothing really helps.

Hello PostMortem,

There is a saying that suicide is a permant solution to a tempory problem. And after being suicidal myself I know how that sounds to your ears. You consider your problem permant so the solution must be permanent too.

The thoughts you have about your possible suicide might affect others, shows me that you still care. You care for others - and they seem to care for you, after you don’t want to hurt them or spoil a special day for them.

I would like to try how suicidal thoughts appear for me, and how I deal with them.

When I have the urge to end it all, it was because something was triggered before, something that made me believe I am unwanted, or I am worthless and that caused pain. I didn’t want to end it because I felt unwanted or worthless, I wanted to end the pain.

Usually this pain comes and goes, sometimes it is constant, sometimes it strong, and sometimes - not very often - it completly dissapears.

The last 2 days I was struggling very hard with a situation, that seemed to prove every assumption I had about my life. All the paranoia, all the bad feelings I thought others to bring towards me were real.

I stumbled accross this site (through twitch) and I decided to share my pain. The story behind it, what I believed to cause the pain.

Someone answered, and accepted me with my pain as I was. Sharing my pain was a first step. Showing my pain as nothing I had to be ashamed of. Your pain is yours, a part of you and you should not hide it.

So we discussed my story, how I felt, what has led to my current situation. I was understood. If someone is here to understand you, it releases the pain, you can - at least for the moment let it go. I was crying while typing, and I was crying while reading.

The moment to know there is someone out to care - even if it is just for the moment gave me so much hope to keep sharing.

This sharing went into understanding and questioning my way of perspective, seeing things from a different point of view.

It finally led to understand what caused a fight between me and my friends, and I was able to see what went wrong. And I was able to apologize and explain what happend in my head.

The response of my friends was mostly relief, understanding and a heartwarming welcome back. There are still some wounds to heal, but we made a start.

The fight with my friends was one reason I thought about suicide the last days.

Share your Pain. No matter how small or big the issues are which causes the pain, the pain deseveres to be recognized. You deserve to be recognized with your pain.

Letting someone know that you suffer is the first step into healing. And here is a good place, a safe place to start with it. It is safe here, I promise.

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Thanks. My pain is very hard to pinpoint. As I wrote above I have had it all and still felt suicidal. I know Im loved, I know people care. Im just in extreme pain been crying all day. Hugged my mom goodbye as she shared that my sisters and brothers want to come see me to give them the chance to come and see me. I feel like she knows Im rdy to go…

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If possible, try to view your pain as a separte object. Pick a moment in your life the pain was low or not there, and then grew and became stronger. Watch that scene in your head, once from the view of outside, then with your emotional eyes.
What made the pain appear? What words were spoken, what feeling was there before, what was the situation?

Try to describe what other said to you and what it made you feel. There are no wrong or false descriptions. Even if it was something someone said with the best intentions that hurt you, it has a reason make your pain grow.

Do you recall the situation you felt this pain the first time?

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I can just view it as a chemichal imbalance. My psycholgist and psychiatrist seem to think so too

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It happens that depressions have no mental cause, but a medical. It possible that there is an inbalance in hormones, or messanger substance.

Did your psychologist/psychiatrist took a blood sample to get it examined for an imbalance?

Actually no they did not… But is too late now I just stop seeing them.

It’s never too late when your life is on the line. Surely it wouldn’t be too difficult to make another appointment?

I wonder - you say that you visualize your view your pain as a chemical imbalance as that is what your psychologist and psychiatrist seem to think. Is this what you believe? Would it be possible then to take a medication to correct those imbalances and potentially make you better? Perhaps it would be worth a try rather than ending your life?

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I have been on many medications. At this point when u have been through this for so long you realize (and I have also been told by my last psychiatrist) that they just feed you meds until one that helps u is found. Which is not wrong since I guess one med can help me and one can help you. The meds I have taken the one that have helped me the most was kind of dangerous cause not only made me numb and empty it made me not care? Like I would be kinda wrectless almost as I was drunk.

Im really sorry to all of u that I feel beyond help. I just been through this soooo long to end up at the same spot. Im sorry T.T

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Please don’t be sorry for how you feel. It is perfectly ok to feel as though you are beyond help, considering how long you’ve felt that way. I think a lot of us here have known that feeling to some extent, and honestly everyone I’ve spoken to here is more than happy to take the time to help you and anyone else who needs a helping hand, a kind word or someone to vent to.

I know the feeling of not liking what your meds do to you - I was on anxiety medication for a while. I had such bad anxiety than I had to take medication every morning and every night because even when I slept I couldn’t relax. It worked, but I felt very empty and it completely drained my creative spirit and creativity is one of my coping mechanisms. So I definitely can’t fault you for wanting to stop taking it. I’m sorry that medicine didn’t work for you.

Is there anything in your life, activities, music, people who can distract you or ease these feelings? Anything at all that makes you feel happy, if even for a short time?

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Depression keeps me in bed.

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Good Morning PostMortem,

I am sorry I didn’t answer, I am in europe and I fell asleep.

If you didn’t made progress with your current docs, maybe you should try to see someone else. Maybe a neurologist can review your case from a different point of perspective.

I just can add to what @Sapphire said - you don’t need to apologize for your feelings.

I have been at home for weeks now, I didn’t had the need to go outside (no matter of corona or not, it has always been like that) and I recently started to take short walks. I am lucky to live close to the woods, so it is easy for me.

Sometimes a little change can do something. Try to form a very little goal you want to achive the next few days. For example 10 minutes of getting up and just go outside, maybe with a tea and coffee watching the sunset, or the sunrise if you are a morning person.
Nothing that would make you more productive, trying to fit others expectations, or anything that puts preassure on you. Just a little change to your daily routine.

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I’ m here and don’t be sorry you have no obligation to answer to me. I just woke up and I’m crying. The pain is too great. Don’t get me wrong I really appreciate you guys. But is too much pain I just wanna scream, I just want to go back to sleep I just wanna die. It all has to end… The only thing that calms my mind is watching twitch streamers even if Im crying while I watch them I sometimes laugh and sometimes even for a few minutes forget the pain. Other than that there is nothing else I want to do. I watch streamers cause I can do it from the safety of my bed and the covers of my blanket. I listen to music and cry… I see people laughin and cry… I see people living and cry… Its so hard to just be here you know? What is life if you just gonna die suffer or not? Im afraid to cause people pain and I hate it I HATE IT I HATE ITTTT WHY AM I SO AFRAIIID OF WHAT OTHER WILL FEEL IF THEY DONT FEEL WHAT I FEEL???

I can hear death calling I can see it waiting next to the rope just waiting tempting me into seeking my own peace and just leaving the others. Some people say “if you kill yourself you gonna go to hell”… So what? What do they know about the hell that I live in right now? And why would I believe in hell if my prayers are never answered wtf only the bad is real?

Im sorry I went off topic. I have done it all and when I say all I mean from hiking to jumping out of airplanes. For me waking up is just reseting the pain. I wake up and its like boom here it is pain again. Time to breath and stay alive so others don’t suffer. While everyone goes on with their life and I try to find interest on something that will get me out of bed but I dont there is no passion nothing appears interesting to me anymore nothing us fun Ive learned about quantum mechanics, space Ive seen anime and movies Ive been super fit I played video games but everything just becomes useless and boring… Everything is gonna end so why even bother… Everything is boring…

And is not like I have given up without a fight. I have seeked therapy (seen many psychologist and psychiatrist) I have taken medication (I feel like a lab rat caus its basicly a proccess of elimination trying and eliminating diferent meds). Everything just ends up in the same place. Pain.

This topic is about you, and as long you are writing nothing you share is off-topic.

I do relate to your pain, more that you maybe can imagine. I had times, the best moments in life was the one second between waking up and realizing who and what I was and the pain kicked in.

I do relate that you cannot imagine anything more hell than you current situation. I do not know much about your faith, but after you are praying I can say, that there are often signs which we just don’t see at the moment because we are blinded by our pain, by our thoughts. These signs are everywhere, in my case it was an entry in recommended twitch stream list which has led me eventually to this site.

It seems you haven’t given up, as long you reach out, you feel hope - and I have hope for you.There is a way, and if I am able to, I want to try to help you find it, as many others will try to too. I feel your hope, allow yourself to feel it too.

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Please don’t try to help me. When people try to help me I just feel bad. I try to tell u guys everything I have done to try to help myself. We can just talk maybe? But is ok not to help me. I can’t be helped.

No need to feel bad if someone offers help. This offer is unconditional. I don’t expect you to take my help, it is your own free choice, and your choice it is fully accepted, Nobody here will be offended.
And it there is another time, you might want to ask for help, there will be someone reaching out for you. There is no such thing that the number of times help is being offered is limited.

What would you like to talk about?

Nothing. Thanks to you and the other dude. Im decided to do it tommorow. Im happy to go. Im sorry to everyone I leave behind.

@PostMortem

Hey friend,

I hear that you’re exhausted. And it’s true to say that it’s not fair to feel such amount of pain. To battle for a life that many others seem to have without having to do the same efforts.

But nothing is written already. Even if disappearing is a very strong idea that you have in your mind right now.

I’m sorry you feel uncomfortable with receiving support. But you know already that this is what this place is about. Supporting. Caring. Loving. Holding each other’s hands in the midst of darkness. And as you are talking about taking your life away, no one can be indifferent to your voice. To you.

We’re all only human. And when life gets tough, we support each other. :hrtlegolove:

I want to encourage you to reach out to a family, or to use a crisis line:

I’m not pressuring you. Reaching out is a right that you own. And you’ve been brave by doing it here.
But I also believe that you can stay safe and let this storm pass. I believe in you.

Depression is tricky. It makes us feel like we’re trapped in a room with only 4 walls and no exit door. But this is the perspective it brings to you. Your pain is very real. Always. But the conclusion it pushes you to believe are lies. You are not beyond help. You are not without any future.

I hear you. That you’ve made a lot of efforts and you’ve been battling for so long. It’s something to acknowledge, really. Maybe people in your surroundings don’t really notice, but we know here what this represents. The amount of energy, of tears. It’s not nothing.

I understand that this place of pain holds a lot of space in your life. But you’re also more than this. And so is your life. You shared about how you feel since the beginning of the thread. I’d like to invite you to share about you. Your story. Your life. What you like, what you don’t. What you’ve learned through the years, besides depression. I bet our friends here, and myself, would like to learn to know you more.

You’re not only about pain and tears. There’s a life inside of you that needs to be acknowledged and highlighted. It’s been hidden under those layers of depression for too long.

We care about you. Genuinely.

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