Been depressed all my life. I been waiting and had hope to get better but in reality it has never happened. Even when I have had “everything” I somehow manage to be depressed and suicidal. I have been waiting for a moment when there is nothing important going on like no birthdays or no holidays cause I don’t want my suicide to be on a special day so they can’t be remembered as the day that I died.
I have been staying alive to not cause pain to others with my death but I wonder, what about my pain? Am I selfish if I kill myself? or are they selfish to want me to live with this pain? Would it not be better for everyone to know that I’m not in pain anymore? Will my death really bring chaos to the life of those I love? Some of these questions are crazy some I will never know the answer to. Would I want my son to commit suicide? Absolutely not. Would I want him to live in pain? Absolutely not… Although I grew up without a father… They can do it too right?
Should I care about who finds my body? Will the pain be less if they don’t find my body? Does it even really matter if Imma be gone anyways?
Been praying to God to help me find hope and make me see the light and feel better. Little by little I stop to believe… With nothing important on the way for a couple of months. Maybe this is my queue maybe is my time to bring the relief and end my pain. Maybe tommorow… Maybe the next day? I been practicing and I have come so close to death that I don’t fear death anymore. My only fear is that my kids think that I left them and that I did not love them. But I guess they still young and they can grow without me like I grew without my dad. I just hope there is nothing on the