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Feels like my boyfriend's hiding me. Can't bear to think about it anymore

… and maybe even cheating on me, and man, I’m just tired of feeling like some stupid, worthless side bitch.

There are tons of people out there who have it way way worse than me but I’m sick of carrying this weight around anymore. If you’re reading this, thank you for hearing out what I can’t tell the other people in my life - I appreciate you so much.

We broke up and got back together a couple times so our relationship isn’t great to start with, and I think he’s too embarassed to admit he’s with me again. He acts and treats me like he loves me when we’re together, which is why it hurt that it took 8 months and me threatening to break up with him for him to tell his best friends and the woman whom he admitted was his crush that we’re together - and even then, I only have his word that he did it.

He refuses to bring me around his friends - or he will, but only with the ones he doesn’t care about that much, the ones that don’t meet his “real” friends.

Tonight he’s gone out dancing with all his “real” friends. He didn’t pretend to offer to include me. I’m not “supposed” to ask to come with because he expects me to know that it’ll be awkward for him around his friends. Basically, it’s only OK for me to be seen in his presence if no one else actually important is there (which is most of the time). Then he’ll unconsciously let his hair down and quit pretending to be charming and attentive and honestly just wring me the fuck dry of my energy and confidence and self.

However, his woman friend who texted him a few months back saying they couldn’t hang out together anymore because she had such strong feelings for him - the one who would actually make things awkward? - it’s OK that she’s there. He’s dancing with her, and all his other women friends he’s claimed has hit on him at one time or another, and his guy friends, and everyone except for the person that’s supposed to be important in his life. He could be doing anything in the world up there, physical or otherwise, and I’d just have to take his word for it. But he’s having the time of his life up there and pretending to be a bachelor again. I just have to stay at home and be happy about it. I’ll never be more than his side bitch and I just have to accept it.

I just expect things like this now. I feel like no matter how hard I try for us I’m an embarassment, not important enough to show others, so stupid for staying, and just sad about all of it. I feel like I have no place anywhere.

I can’t but feel if we were to get married, he’d ask me to stay home from our wedding so he wouldn’t have to be seen with me and he’d have the added bonus of being all gussied up in his suit for all the other ladies, the ones that actually matter, to see.

Sex with him dropped off pretty suddenly about a month or two into our relationship this time around. He blamed me for noticing. I don’t turn him on sexually anymore, unless he’s drunk and even that’s a weighty toss-up. I’ve been told I look pretty and I do take care of myself and whatnot, but no combination of lingerie or distance or desperation or so, so many honest conversations on my part ever reaches him. He always, always, always turns me down. I just stopped asking.

When we do have sex every month or so it’s only in the morning when he happens to have wood anyway. He finishes in under a minute or two (which I wouldn’t give half a shit about, and I never have, if it weren’t for the fact that I waited a month or so for this minute of intimacy, and now I’ll have to wait another and it makes me feel fucking sad and lonely). Then he doesn’t offer to help me finish because I’m apparently so difficult to please that I gave him a complex about it. So he just finishes in my body and gets on his phone and I have to act like it was a loving and fun experience that we shared while I wipe myself off the rag he hands me that’s stained from all the times that week he jerked it to women desperate for approval on his NSFW subreddits after telling me I’m too much of a burden when I try to sext him or send him nudes. If I don’t act like everything’s OK, I risk starting another big fight where no matter how hurt I am, I’m still the villain for questioning him and hurting his pride because he is simply always right. I’m too tired to fight anymore so I just take it. I used to like sex but it, and he, just make me feel worthless now.

He firmly believes that emotional infidelity doesn’t exist - as long as he isn’t touching anybody, then he’s not cheating, and I’m being an overbearing emotional crazy bitch who can’t trust him and doesn’t want him to be around other women because she’s an insecure, crazy bitch. I don’t feel that way; I feel like shit when he says I’ve scared him off from hanging out with his own friends who are women because I just wanted him to tell his crush we were dating.

He’s always reporting to me when other women hit on him, as if to remind me that he’s in high demand and he can do better than me any time he wants. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m sharing in his victories, but more like I have to compete with these invisible women for his affections. I both hate them and pity them. For so many reasons, I wish I could tell all those women to run away and find someone who makes them feel smart and capable and talented and beautiful and valued and equal and loved.

I can’t remember who I used to be before I met him, but I miss that person. I wish I had treated her better than I did.

I’m too embarassed to tell the people in my life the behavior that I’m accepting. I know even being single would be better than this but I can’t seem to get out. I’m not even in danger. I’m just stuck and fragmented and in pain, all the time, for many more reasons than I could even write here. I feel like a sidekick in my own life and I can’t seem to shake myself out of this.

I miss myself. I miss feeling good about myself and not some dirty secret. I don’t even know why he keeps me around. I don’t even know why I stick around. I hate myself for what I settle for.

EDIT: I guess I wanted to add that I still do try really hard to make things work out. When he says he feels like there’s a problem between us I listen and try to change things about myself, and even when we’re not fighting I’m there for him when he’s stressed and I like to give him massages and make him food and look nice for him when we go out and try to do gestures for him to show that I care. I’ve tried to talk to him in an honest but considerate way so, so many times about how the things I’ve mentioned are affecting me, during times when we’re both not too busy and we’re both calm. But he only ever tries to tell me why I’m wrong or crazy or hurting him for thinking the way I do. It makes me feel like I have no power in the relationship and I don’t even want to try anymore

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Hes hiding you away because hes insecure of him self. Hes scared he will loose you to someone who will treat you like a queen. Get yourself all fixed up and walk out that door with out him. Go some where and enjoy some you time. Let him wonder where you went and what your doing
You dont deserve this kind of treatment so plz no longer stand for it love yourself to say its enough.:heartpulse:

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Hey,
It seems to me that more often than not, your boyfriend is a drain on you. He’s so worried about this reputation that he refuses to admit that he’s back together with you. He’s living a double life, and you’re paying the price, which is so very far from fair. A relationship is supposed to make both people happy, and that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
He’s manipulating you, that’s clear: by turning every argument into something being your fault, he’s able to cast off however it is that he feels about himself, rather than owning up to his mistakes. And he knows that every time he does, you’ll stay with him. He sees you as weak, and so he keeps you around to cast off his insecurity.
So what can you do? Well, yu have a choice here. You can stay with him, keep putting so much into the relationship while being worn down until you’re left irreparably destroyed. Or, you can do what’s best for you and leave him in your past. It might be difficult to walk yourself out of this, I know, I’ve been there. But at the end of the day, you need to do what’s best for you, and settle for nothing less. This “relationship” is killing you, and you can see it. Please, like @Day-day said, leave him. Find someone who treats you not just as well as, but better than you deserve.
What you’re in here is not love. What this is, is you being used as an emotional punching bag. But you’re not a punching bag, you’re a person: time to punch back.

Stay strong, you are loved :slight_smile:
~Danny

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Heartfelt thank you so much, @Day-day. Your words meant so much to read, that I should be taking care of myself now. It’s weird but it feels nice to be given “permission” to leave this relationship behind. I’m always worrying that he’s hiding me away because I’m not good enough, but I never considered that he’s hiding me away because I am good enough. Thank you for the sweet eye-opener :relaxed: You are a treasure!

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Often time men will make there women feel useless or worthless because they will feel so beat down that they wont want to leave the house. Hes in control of your emotions your thought and your well being its very toxic plz consider loving yourself and move on. Im always here if you need to talk💗

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You are absolutely right, and your response was an eye-opener for me too. I’ve been telling myself that I’m really defending myself and my energy by refusing to engage with him, but it’s not really true, is it? Whether I engage or not, he always benefits, and that’s not fair. Ultimately it feels really lonely to be in a relationship where I most likely won’t be heard.

I was definitely writing from a place of frustration today. He doesn’t ever out-and-out tell me I’m not good enough, but I can’t deny it’s the vibe I’ve pieced together from his words and actions over a couple of years. He’s not a villain; I think he genuinely loves me and he looks out for me in different ways, and we do have good times together. He listens, and sometimes he changes. He was definitely a product of his awful childhood and I feel bad for him and wish I could help. But, it’s taken me a while to learn that he doesn’t have to be fully intentionally manipulating me and cunningly, methodically breaking me down for me to still be feeling its effects and for it to still be wrong.

As I said earlier, it’s weird but it feels good to be given “permission” to leave, that I’ve tried hard enough and I can take my coat and go now, so to speak. I’m scared that if I stay any longer I will be irreparably destroyed and it terrifies me that I’m even where I am now. I used to be so headstrong and embodied, and now I just feel beaten down and unsure what I want in life. I do have depression and I’m sure that’s playing a role, so I’m looking into getting back into therapy again and trying to get back on my feet. But I don’t want there to be any chance he keeps me from recovering.

I miss the person I used to be, but part of me still feels like she’s still buried deep in my head somewhere and I want to take care of her, you know? I want to make her some hot chocolate and tuck her into bed and tell her things are going to be OK. Your words truly gave me perspective and hope for this situation and for my future. A heartfelt thank you to you. :relaxed:

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Your very welcome and I hope nothing but the best for you.
KEEP SHINNING BEAUTIFUL
:heartpulse:

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Just wanted to see how you was doing today? I hope things are starting to look up for you.
Keep shinning beautiful💗

Just dump him. Permanently. Find new friends. Join some clubs.

You can love a person and recognize that the relationship you’re in with them is not healthy. When a person truly loves you and cares about you, they want to share those moments with you, good and bad because you are a team and you support each other. Yes, it can be hard to leave, but ask yourself this. If it was a friend of yours going through something similar, what advice would you give them about the situation? Sometimes in order to find that balance, we need to put our mental health and well being first. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with someone who loves you for you, doesn’t try to hide you away, and treats you with kindness. Everyone deserves that. You can do this.

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Ask yourself one question: does he improve your life?

DUMP HIM. I am sure you are more than able to get another and more caring boyfriend as is proven by your comment. NO PERSON should ever be your “boss” or controller no matter how much you may love that person or think he loves you. I dated a gal (NOT FOR LONG!) who was high on herself. She was a paralegal, and she thought that made her smarter than everyone including me. She found out quite quickly that in fact she WAS NOT smarter than me, and her controlling manner being a failure proved the same. Being single is better and more fun than a controlling partner.

Man. This sounds so unhealthy.

I know it’s hard to let go of relationships and people that we’ve formed relationships and care for, but this is entirely unhealthy and you honestly deserve better.

A relationship is a team. You guys should be proud to be with each other not embarrassed or ashamed. Your friendships circles should be able to accept your significant other or they aren’t truly your friends. If you can’t include your significant other with your social groups and in what you are doing, there is something wrong.

You are being forced to feel like it’s a crime to ask to be involved in an area you should feel welcomed. If they are his “true friends” and he truly can’t involve you, then you truly deserve to be in a better relationship with someone who loves and respects you.

I told my current partner before we got together that I didn’t want to play games with people or mess around with relationships that aren’t serious or can’t be. We both agreed that we would never let anyone or anything come between us. If there is something or someone that is potentially a problem, then we talk about it or distance. It’s not really been a thing because we mutually respect each other and make decisions that is inclusive to both of us and our feelings.

Sounds like you should have a talk with him and let him know that if he’s so ashamed to share you with people and willing to do things that are hurtful, that you should break up.

He sounds manipulative. Don’t keep him around. Build relationships with people who love you, support you and will communicate with you. With people who are not ashamed of you. Who are willing to talk to you about the good and the bad. To love and accept you at your best and your worst. A team player.

I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this crap.

  • Kitty