Fiancé’s past

I recently proposed to my girlfriend. I did it big! I am a southern country boy from Tennessee so I asked her to marry me onstage at a Shenandoah concert. We are so in love and she said yes. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and has been consistently the same through our relationship …

But here is the not so fairy tale part.
Two weeks before she met me she had sex with two guys.
The month before that she broke up with a guy she was with for a year and a half , that she met on Tinder and the whole interaction began as a sexual arrangement that she hoped would blossom into a relationship and it did.

Most of her life she was overweight and last year had weight loss surgery .

She never really dated anyone other than the guy before me and myself long term. It was mostly hookups , a few months here and there and that’s it. She lost her virginity having hate sex to anger her friend and roommate.

She took a break from men and worked at a church for 8.5 years ,

Then moved to Tennessee and had 5 sexual encounters before meeting me.

She loves me and says I’m the best thing that has ever happened to her and that she’s her authentic self with me.

But how do you go from a life of sexual immorality to being in love and ready to settle down ? SOS Please Help?!!!?!?!?!!

It’s my belief that you shouldn’t hold someone’s past against them. If she’s given you no reason to not trust her, then maybe she’s learned from her past and wants to change. If you had these misgivings, I would think you’d be uncomfortable proposing to her. If you really love her, can’t you look beyond her past and see the woman you love right in front of you?

There’s a saying I like: Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. Each and every one of us, including you, has done regrettable things in the past, sexual or not. Should that be held against you forever? If she did nothing to hurt you, then you are just slut-shaming this woman that you “are so in love” with, who “has been consistently the same through our relationship.” On the one hand, why are you judging her when she’s done nothing to hurt you? On the other hand, if it’s something you’re struggling to accept about her, why the hell are you proposing to her?? When you marry her, you don’t get to pick and choose which parts you marry. You’re marrying every good quality, bad quality, past transgression, and future aspiration. You’re marrying all of her. You are under no obligation to marry her if that’s too much to swallow, and if you can’t accept her as she is, you’d be doing both of you a favor to cut her loose and move on.

You answered your own question here bud. I would guess that if she didn’t want to settle down, she wouldn’t have stuck with you. I know that was the case with one of my exes, who still hasn’t settled down. If she does want to settle down, she’s tired of empty, meaningless sex and wants something real, and she’s found it with you. She has a past. Call it mistakes, call it experience, call it her living her life the way she wanted before she met you and things changed. She can’t change her past, and neither can you, but she sees a brighter future with you. Mary Magdalene had a past, and look how things turned around for her.

Have you brought up your concerns with her? If this is really a sticking point for you, I’d suggest couples/premarital counseling to try to reach a mutual understanding.



Your fiance’s past is part of her story. It’s part of her. And as @SheetMetalHead said, when we decide to share our life with someone, to live with them, then we accept them entirely.

I’ve been with the same person for a decade now, yet I share something common with your fiancé: to use your words, I had an “immoral” sexuality before knowing my partner. Reason why I’m sharing this with you is because someone’s sexuality is not always just about sex. Sometimes, sex is used as a way to cope or compensate something that hurt us in our life, but unfortunately it’s not said and shared enough. We’d rather call a woman a maneater instead of really wondering how they feel about what they do.

It has took me a long time to understand that my own behavior was the result of traumas, and to this day I still don’t forgive myself, because my mind is also ingrained with this false belief that my behavior was shameful. It was not shameful. It was not immoral. It was a way to survive when life felt unbearable. It wasn’t for sex, or enjoyment. It was for the sake of feeling in control when everything else was collapsing.

Ultimately what someone does with their body belongs to them, and no one has a say on it, especially if it belongs to the past. I never cheated on my partner. I don’t intend to do so. Because my own story and past, and what I’ve been living with my partner are absolutely different to me. There’s absolutely no confusion. Yet I’ve never been able to let him know about it, despite the years and despite the trust between us, because of the kind of reaction you share here, which is to see this past behavior as a source of shame. So I’d like to encourage you not to assume what your fiancé might feel or what could be her own perception on all of this. Because she might perceive her past as being absolutely different than what she is living with you too.

You said she explained she is her “authentic self” with you, which means she wasn’t with others before. Which means, more than likely, that she was hurting at the moment too. Behaviors are understandable as long as we accept to get rid of our beliefs, wrong perceptions or even stigmas. I don’t know your fiance’s story, but I would say that the fact she trusts you with it is a deep, deep mark of trust there. The question remains, are you willing to trust her? And at the same time, maybe to understand more her story and her heart.

I personally don’t think the question you ask is the right one in your situation:

But how do you go from a life of sexual immorality to being in love and ready to settle down ?

This is not really about her, but more about how you are going to accept her past and trust her. We all have our own limits and it’s more than okay to acknowledge them. But it will be important to ask yourself to which point your own perception of what is “moral/immoral” is interfering with the perception you have of her right now, and how this is going to affect your future together.

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AmandaRuthArt replied to your post today on stream with some great words of encouragement and advice!

Here is a link to the video so you can hear her response yourself,


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