Hey @JOSHBELCHER1,
Your fiance’s past is part of her story. It’s part of her. And as @SheetMetalHead said, when we decide to share our life with someone, to live with them, then we accept them entirely.
I’ve been with the same person for a decade now, yet I share something common with your fiancé: to use your words, I had an “immoral” sexuality before knowing my partner. Reason why I’m sharing this with you is because someone’s sexuality is not always just about sex. Sometimes, sex is used as a way to cope or compensate something that hurt us in our life, but unfortunately it’s not said and shared enough. We’d rather call a woman a maneater instead of really wondering how they feel about what they do.
It has took me a long time to understand that my own behavior was the result of traumas, and to this day I still don’t forgive myself, because my mind is also ingrained with this false belief that my behavior was shameful. It was not shameful. It was not immoral. It was a way to survive when life felt unbearable. It wasn’t for sex, or enjoyment. It was for the sake of feeling in control when everything else was collapsing.
Ultimately what someone does with their body belongs to them, and no one has a say on it, especially if it belongs to the past. I never cheated on my partner. I don’t intend to do so. Because my own story and past, and what I’ve been living with my partner are absolutely different to me. There’s absolutely no confusion. Yet I’ve never been able to let him know about it, despite the years and despite the trust between us, because of the kind of reaction you share here, which is to see this past behavior as a source of shame. So I’d like to encourage you not to assume what your fiancé might feel or what could be her own perception on all of this. Because she might perceive her past as being absolutely different than what she is living with you too.
You said she explained she is her “authentic self” with you, which means she wasn’t with others before. Which means, more than likely, that she was hurting at the moment too. Behaviors are understandable as long as we accept to get rid of our beliefs, wrong perceptions or even stigmas. I don’t know your fiance’s story, but I would say that the fact she trusts you with it is a deep, deep mark of trust there. The question remains, are you willing to trust her? And at the same time, maybe to understand more her story and her heart.
I personally don’t think the question you ask is the right one in your situation:
But how do you go from a life of sexual immorality to being in love and ready to settle down ?
This is not really about her, but more about how you are going to accept her past and trust her. We all have our own limits and it’s more than okay to acknowledge them. But it will be important to ask yourself to which point your own perception of what is “moral/immoral” is interfering with the perception you have of her right now, and how this is going to affect your future together.
