Fighting myself, unable to reach out

If there was ever the truest definition of loner, I’m it. Its so hard to talk to people. There’s a few good people willing to talk to me, but I feel mute. I never know what to say, how to act, I don’t know how to be a teenager. These days, it seems the teenage way is to hate everything that involves work or some flexibility and stare at a screen and talk about depression as if it’s a joke. And I don’t even know if joking about depression is a way to deal with your own, because I’ve never done that. Or if it’s just a bitch making fun of something he/she doesn’t understand. I feel such anger and violence inside and the moment I start to try to socialize a wall comes up that blocks my ability to articulate my feelings and my thoughts. It’s called insecurity. I feel like a wolf stuck trying to swim in an ocean. I don’t want to be this person who cant communicate. I feel like a warbling idiot saying stupid weird things. Maybe I really am, I can’t deny the possibility of what I seem like to others. Maybe I could make some friends, if I had the guts but Im drowning. There are people at my school with mental illnesses too that I want to connect with but I don’t know how I can’t Im hopeless.
I feel like I’m fighting myself. Inside I feel a rebel, that part of me thats in love with freedom and just wants to be accepted for what I am. But my family raised me to be obedient, listen to your parents, get good grades. Don’t get me wrong, my family does care, they want me to have a good life when I grow up. I don’t want to disappoint or worry them but also I want to run free.
I feel like dying.


Okay, let me just say this:

You are NOT a warbling idiot.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way.

Being a teenager is complicated and confusing. You’d think it wouldn’t be right? You’re so young, you should be happy and free. Not how it always goes though. It certainly didn’t for me. There was so much going on. And my mind was often full of all of the things that you are expressing.

You may feel like you’re broken, weird or hopeless. But everything you are feeling is so completely valid.

It’s important to know how important you are. And how all of what you are feeling is so understandable. You are not alone in that my friend. There’s probably a lot of others around you who probably feel the same. It’s scary reaching out. And sometimes socializing is really difficult. And awkward. And often exhausting. Overwhelming.

I hear you.

It’s good to challenge yourself. “This week, I’m going to reach out to one new person! Say hello! Ask how they are doing. Help someone out who may need it.” Good way to start a conversation. Try it out. You may find yourself making someone else’s day and making a friend. Just making someone’s day will probably make you feel really good too.

I’m sorry you are experiencing so much right now. I hope that you are able to find a sense of peace and comfort. Something to bring you some guidance, encouragement and support.

We are here to be that for you as well. You are not alone and do not have to walk at this alone.

We’re strangers but I care about you. You have a friend here. Okay? Be gentle with yourself.

Hold fast.