I wrote this in my journal tonight and thought I would share. Perhaps get some love from my friends.
I love you,
I hate you,
I want you close,
I push you away.
You are everything,
You are not enough.
Help me,
Leave me alone.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster. I want to isolate, to ignore everyone and everything. At the same time, I want to be surrounded by friends who care about me.
I tried to isolate the other day, but it didn’t work. I put my Discord on away and turned off my activity. I told myself that I wasn’t going to talk to anyone, but…I found that there are friends I can’t ignore. Friends that genuinely care about me and would worry if I disappeared. I would feel badly doing that to them. So, I answered their hellos. In the past, I didn’t care.
Progress?
I know why I do this… Love = Hurt
People in my past who claimed to love me, didn’t and I was abandoned or hurt. I learned to be cautious… suspicious. When I start receiving love… sincere love, the alarm goes off. I remember all the other times I thought I would get love, but there was only hurt.
So, I push them away.
I’m trying not to do that; I’m trying to keep my friends close.
It takes a great deal of self reflection, progress and strength to not isolate. To recognise the people around us love us and care and to share that love back.
You should be proud of yourself.
I feel this to my core, and even though those fears try to steal the joy of being surrounded by people who genuinely do love you, I do hope they never win. It takes strength to fight them, and it takes strength to talk about it.
You are an incredible being. Thank you for being present x
well thats a bit spooky rosie, the message I wrote on your discord, I wrote long before I saw this, so I am now sooo pleased that I wrote it albeit short and sweet.
Im not going to ramble on (for a change)
You’re my friend, you are not just loved you are lllooooovvveeedd and if you do ever think of pushing me away you are gonna have to push reeeaalllyyy hard.
rosie, my sweet friend, i know you wrote this a few days ago but wanted to send even more love your way. i’m so thankful that we all have a lil’ bit of you in all of our lives thanks to this community.
the progress you’ve shared here is so incredible and i hope you’re proud of the hard work you’ve put into yourself and your friendships to get here.
i think what’s truly beautiful about the people on discord, at least in your swat fam, is that the compassion is genuine because i feel like we’ve all been burnt by bad people before. so we stick together, stay around, and would be so worried if you ever disappeared. and that’s a testament to all you bring to our lives and how much we care for you.
lmao i rambled when i should be getting swat3 ready BUT i needed you to know asap that i care for and love you, rosie, and i hope that your labor day (even though it’s mega hot out) was restful!!
I want to start off by saying how much I am thankful to have you in my life & I love our friendship so heckin’ much. Love can be a tricky thing. Love can equal weakness because we are allowing a door to ourselves so people can know us on so many levels. Love can open the door to the unknown because we have to step across the threshold to know if someone has good or bad intentions. BUT…love can be beautiful and wonderful. Yes, people make us doubt and want to hide away…but we need to allow people to have the opportunity to use love the way it was meant to be used.
Love is not the issue. People twist it and use it however they want to use it. They become unwise and untrusting with it. You have an amazing community that loves you and wants to stand alongside you through it all. Myself included. You are so amazing. I am thankful for the moments of joy, laughter, and love that we have shared together. Don’t let the people in your past make you push people you genuinely care about you now in this current moment. Soak it in, my friend. I am proud of you for posting here, so we can support you and love you through this thought process. Thank you for being you. You matter!
It’s understandable why you would want to push people away after having been hurt. It can be hard to trust again. I want to state that, as a means of validating your feelings. On the other hand, I want to commend you for responding to your friends when they reach out to you. Continue to do that. You need them. You need people. Allow yourself to be loved. It can be scary, not having a one hundred percent guarantee that they won’t hurt you. But you need people. Unless circumstances say otherwise, trust that they care for you. I know. Easier said than done. But isolating is harder. Hold fast. You are stronger than you think you are.
Rosie,
I’m going to echo everyone else here - I see you and I would miss you incredibly if you weren’t here. I’m relieved to know that you see that. I hate that feelings aren’t truly reliable and don’t always tell us the truth. And I’m glad that you know that too. You have taught me so much about BPD, about doing the hard things, about persevering and what strength looks like. I can’t imagine doing this life without your wisdom and love now that I know you. And I pray that I offer something of value back to you.
Your presence makes the world better, @Mystrose. Although I understand the need to isolate and feel safer, even if it means missing good opportunities and relationships. Know that you have friends here who will always be waiting for you and follow your own pace, your own time. It’s okay to need to retreat at times. It’s okay to challenge yourself too to avoid doing it often. You are loved through all of it and you will always have a safe refuge with your HS fam’, no matter what.
Proud of you for trying despite the fears and doubts. I believe sharing “this is how I feel but that’s also what I don’t want” is a real step in itself and a way to push away a little more the temptation to isolate. Your progress is real and your determination is seen. Sending love your way today.
I realize that this is an old post, but I am new to this site and am currently exploring it. I came across this post and, just from the subject, thought it seemed relatable. I quoted the part of your post that I did because I think that it is amazing. That you have such caring friends who would worry about you. Friends that you can rely on in such ways. I hope you still have that. It’s special. I hope to find that.
