Finally talking about my dads issues

i talk about my mom on here a lot but never my dad. neither one of my parents are completely good, but i think ive chosen over the years to ignore my dads issues because my moms were more prominent. my dad has anger issues. hes mean to our cats sometimes when they annoy him, and i dont have the kind of relationship with him as i do with my mom, so i cant talk to him about his issues. i chose to ignore them mostly because hes the only stable parent i have, and im worried that if i upset him then he’ll be gone. ive always ignored what he does because if my mom starts drinking i need to be able to have him in my life. im not old enough to move out yet, for anyone wondering. tonight he was screaming at one of our cats because the cat had an accident, it was like he was throwing a fit and it was the most insane id ever seen him. its not fair for me to be able to comprehend my moms problems and hold her to them, while ignoring my dads. both of my parents need serious help and i cant ignore that anymore. im not going to speak to my father anymore which will be difficult because we live in the same house but what he did wasnt ok and i refuse to let him do whatever he wants in this house without being held to it. i dont think ill be able to stop speaking to him completely, but ill keep it limited. i think he must realize he messed up, but it shouldnt matter. he shouldnt be mean in the first place. theres a right way and a wrong way to treat animals regardless of what the situation is and what the animal did, and i can say with absolute confidence my dad handled it like a child, like a violent child. its diffiult because hes very loving and really doesnt get angry often, but i cant be afraid to tell him the issues i have with him, especially when it impacts others as well. im concerned about this approach, because my dad is very used to me and my mom ignoring it when he does something wrong, so it will be a change for him that he most likely isnt expecting from his child, but i dont care what he expects. its what’s right. im not exactly sure what you would call this situation. with my mother its very easy to label it as abuse, because thats what it is, but situations like this where it isnt frequent, im not sure what to call it. maybe ive caused a lot of harm by ignoring the way he responds, but he is aware he has anger issues. hes gone to therapy and anger managment before because of it, im just not sure if he’ll ever do that again. tonight was a difficult night and im still very upset by everything that happened. i think its very hurtful because i dont expect or anticipate stuff like this, where as with my mom i can find a pattern in it. my dads reactions are aways unexpected and unpredictable, how angry hes going to be, how hes going to take his anger out. with my mom im able to find a weird comfort in the fact that shes always going to have the same behavior basically. the more i type this out the worse this sounds. im always worried about making my dad seem like a bad person because hes been there for me when stuff is difficult, but he isnt a good person. he says bad and hurtful things and it isnt ok. he expects my mother to be the one to deal with her issues, but he sees himself as someone who doesnt need to deal with theirs. he thinks he isnt to blame. sorry for the long post, its ok if you didnt read it all, i just dont fully know what to do in this situation, but i know i cant go through it anymore. i have no one else i can talk to about this professionally or in my personal life, and thats why im so scared about not ignoring the way my dad is. but ill get through it. have a good night or day to whoever is reading this. (also, im not sure how to add tags anymore so im sorry if theres limited information when you first go into my posts)

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Hey @graciee. That’s really tough. The lesser of two evils still isn’t great, especially when they’re toxic in a different way that’s new and unpredictable.

The fact that he knows he has anger issues means, like you said, that he knows he screwed up. I’m sure that he feels guilty, at least at an intellectual level. My “intellectual” advice would be, instead of giving him the silent treatment, confront him about it. Tell him that what he did, and other instances like that, isn’t okay, and that it scared you. An emotional appeal from an immediate family member is powerful. If he seems open to a conversation, sit and talk. If he’s closes off or gets combative, walk away. Don’t engage, don’t get consumed by his temper tantrum. He’ll be left with what you said, and he won’t forget it.

However, that’s just what I would do on paper. I remember shutting down when my mom lost her temper and exploded. It was scary, upsetting, and frustrating. There was no need for her to slam cabinets and yell at nothing because something wasn’t right with dinner. I understand some of what you might be feeling, as well as how you respond. I was just a kid when she was really bad, but I remember those feelings well. Those emotional memories don’t go away. By the time I was a teenager, 1. She was a little more calm, 2. I was more independent and less subject to her moods, and 3. I was a combative shit who would tell her to knock it off. As I look back on that time, I think if I calmly confronted her about it, she would either deflect or tell me to mind my business; but now that I’m an adult and she’s much more mellow, we’ve had constructive conversations about it, and she understands that she was out of line. It makes me wonder if she would have understood that when I was a teenager. It might be worth you trying anyhow. At the worst, nothing changes and the status quo remains, but maybe you plant a seed for mutual growth and understanding.

I hope things work out for you one way or another. It’s not fair that your have to walk through a minefield with your parents’ behaviors. I’m really glad you’re coming to acknowledge their flaws in a mature and practical way. I wish I had better advice for you, but since you’re still underage you’re limited in what you can do. In summary, if you’re up to it, try to build a bridge. If that doesn’t work, just survive somehow. You always have us here, and even if some of us can’t help you in one specific instance, we might have more insight into another. Take care :hrtlegolove:

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@SheetMetalHead captured the difference between a logical/paper based solution versus a lived/real life way of reacting. The quotes bit above sounds like he might be willing to admit he was wrong. It’s not the duty of kids to parent their parents, but you can try to calmly tell them that was hurtful and not okay with you.

Unpredictability is harder to adapt to/live with, so a familiar more stable behaviour like your mom’s is easier to understand and ‘brace’ yourself for.

This isn’t an easy situation, and I really hope you can find a way to have some internal peace and know that bad parents happen but they don’t lessen our own value, or the amazing life we can have once we are more independent of them. Please let us know how things go for you, we’re here for you!

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello again, graciee! I’m glad you posted again and felt comfortable sharing with us again. I honestly cannot think of much to say. I wish you lived in a better situation with kinder parents. I’m so sorry for what is happening.

Lots of big internet hugs :hrtlegolove: :hrtlegolove: :hrtlegolove: :hrtlegolove: :hrtlegolove:

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Graciee I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with your father’s rage. I have borderline personality disorder and uncontrollable rage is something I deal with a lot. I just snap without warning and it’s not something I can control until I become aware of it. Once I do, then I can stop. After, I feel horrible and like a monster. I wonder if your father feels the same way. I hope that you can find peace and that when you are old enough can move out and start a life on your own. ~Mystrose

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi graciee I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish your parents were better to you and more mature. You should not be going throught this. Let me tell you that you are the most mature person out of your whole family.It is sad and admirable at the same time. I hope your dad seeks help and your mum too. I wish you all the best. Hang in there and stay safe :heart:.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Graciee, goodness me I am so so sorry that you are having to put up with all of this, you are so mature and I am so glad you have the understanding that what you are witnessing is bad behaviour and is in no way anything to do with you. I read your words and am so proud of how you sound, I hope you are too. I am though slightly concerned about you approaching your father about the cat situation
as I am worried about his reaction towards you, you know your dad. If you think he will get mad at you then please dont say anything as its not worth it, your wellbeing is much more important. You are the most wonderful person and I just want the very best for you. please stay in touch with us. Much love. Lisa xx