Finding hope in a handful of Hell

Greetings heart support community.
I’m Purge. (Purge is my mask, my old release, my music name, my face, my everything pretty much. Found it a lot easier for people to understand that the name suits exactly what it’s for. It’s for my to release all the pain, depression, anxiety, guilt, sadness… even my happiness. Just put it all in a little ball and boom, there you go)

I’ve used HS a long time ago, and I fell out of it really quickly. But life’s been rough and I want to reach out and hopefully someone will try to Help.

I’ve been out of music for a while now. I used to record demos all the time for an online project but it never went anywhere but with myself, and I was in a relationship that hindered me from being able to sit and take time to write, record and do vocals for the music. But In time I guess I’m coming back.

In the midst of that relationship I lost myself. I grew to be very dissociative. I don’t really feel alive and I find myself getting freaked out by certain things. I guess just from the pain of the relationship going downhill. I had a solid 2 weeks of depression and anxiety a little bit ago, and honestly that isn’t any better.

I find myself getting so pissed off at the fact that I pushed all of my friends and family to the curb for someone that yes, does love me. But doesn’t support the music I write because it’s metal/rap stuff. She’s never been the type to really support my dreams and I got caught in all of that because I loved her. I blew through a substantial amount of money. Missed payments to my parents on my truck, because I used all my money in gas to either drive and see her or drive from her house to work every day in the later parts of our relationship. (Work was 1 and a half hour from her house) I barely had 1$ to my name at the middle of each week. I lived paycheck to paycheck.

But regardless I spent so much time that I couldn’t get back.

She is a gamer, and I respect that. I used to love to play Xbox all the time. But never really played with anyone.

I would get jealous over her playing with her guy friend on there that used to be her online BF. Because he all the time called her baby girl, said I love you. Blah blah blah. He hated me because I’m in her life and she said I have depression and all these problems and they just fill her head with things. Rather than supporting me she would say I have a problem. Like, yes I do. But I couldn’t afford to go to the DR. I couldn’t afford to buy prescriptions. Insurance doesn’t cover therapy.
So I am stuck.

But the main point to this is I’m alone. I’m ready to move on. But it’s hard to do so. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t have anyone besides my parents, and 28 year old brother to talk to or hang out with. (Which I’m sure 99.9% of you agree you’d rather hang with friends than your folks ALLLLL THE TIME)

I just want to feel loved, I want to have a group of friends, a band and some day another gf that will support me. I know that’s a lot of our problems. But I just want support, and advice.

Thank you for reading

Hi Purge,

I too deal with a lot of depression and dissociation I’m so glad you’re starting to write music again. I’d love to hear it!! I think that process and that outlet is really important and it sucks that you couldn’t do any of that in your relationship. I’ve learned that regret isn’t going to fix anything. Start somewhere, anywhere. Try something you’ve always wanted to! I think you hit the nail on the head- we all are looking for the same thing, we’re just waiting for someone else to reach out first. I think that there are a lot of people that you can reach with your talents, a lot of people who can relate to what you’ve experienced. I’m glad you’re back on HS and figuring out what’s important to you again.

Hold fast friend!

Hi. I love metal & hiphop as well. (Matter of fact the only music I avoid is opera mainly because it causes me literal headaches if I listen to it. Yet I can stand opera if other music is fused with it like Amy Lee and her group or someone like that.)

If you return to conducting & producing your music I’d love to give it a listen. I also would love to hear who or what experiences have inspired your genre or lyrics.

Live your dream and prepare to live it. I’m sorry you had a lover that hated and not support your dreams. I am sorry she had you push your family & friends away as well. I hope you live the way you desire. Blessed be.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It means a lot.
Slowly I’m learning everything that happens in life is for a reason.

But here’s my soundcloud link
There’s a few demos on there but I’ll make sure I upload more soon!

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Dissociation was something I never heard of until my old friend came back in my life back in May. She told me she deslt with it and I realized that I probably have it too. Ibe not been diagnosed but the symptoms are all there. It’s something I want to figure out how to treat/cope with for sure. But I think finding happiness in small things is a good way in my book. But something that lasts more than whatever I’m doing and then getting numb again. You know?

But here’s the link to my soundcloud!