I hope this reaches someone who also feels misunderstood.
I’m sitting on the beach this morning watching the waves crash against the shore. It’s amazing how therapeutic the ocean can be. The sounds of the ocean silence the deafening noise of the city. I took this little get-away because I wanted to escape my normal routine for a bit. I wanted to let go of some stress and release my worries. I take these little vacations from time to time and I call them my “book vacations”. I bring a book or two to the beach for the weekend. Just me and a book. That’s what this was supposed to be. I had no idea the book I would really be reading was me.
For over 30 years I have felt misunderstood. I have felt out of place and alone. I have felt unseen and unheard. I never thought I would be sitting here coming to terms with the fact that I had been misunderstanding “me”. The book I chose to bring on my trip this weekend has changed my life. I was reading this book and also reading my own soul at the same time. I don’t know if that has ever happened to you but it’s magical.
I sat awake through the night with tears streaming down my face and onto the pages. I started to understand just why I’ve always felt so different. I’ve spent most of my life seeking something that I’ve been told that I have to want. I think most people feel like there are certain expectations when it comes to our futures. We’re supposed to fall in love and get married. We’re supposed to have kids and raise a family. We’re supposed to become grandparents and live happily ever after. That’s never really been something that’s appealed to me. I love the idea of those things. But I don’t want those things for myself. I thought I did because I was supposed to want that. Being a people pleaser has wrecked my identity. I love “love”. I look for love and I need love. So being a people pleaser comes naturally to me I suppose.
Admitting to myself that I don’t fit in the box that I’ve been told should be my life feels so difficult. It also feels freeing. Admitting what I’ve known all along is a strange concept for me. But saying it out loud to myself has been just wild. And saying it to someone else felt impossible.
I wrote all of this down with the hopes that it would reach someone else who has felt this way. This is just part one of my adventure. Stay tuned.
I hope this reaches someone who also feels misunderstood.
I love this so much! Words hold so much power and books have this magical way of reaching people that I’m sure the author never even imagined.
You make perfect sense! I felt so similar. I know many very very happy single people, I know people who want to be in relationships, but don’t want families, people who love “love”, but don’t want the sexual side of it, and people who want all of those things.
In my line of work I’ve also met many older women who never got married or had children and who were so happy and fulfilled in life, they have friends and other family who visit them.
You’re so right that people are really shown so much of what they should want.
Even people who want children who are “older”, there’s this stigma that you should have kids in your 20’s, but they decided adventure and travel and building a home first.
It’s insane how people would even ask me when my sibling was going to have children just because they got married, I feel it’s such a rude and personal question.
I hope wherever life’s journey leads you, that it’s full of the joy knowing it’s what you wanted x
This is so exciting! Finding out something about yourself that you always knew but could never grasp or put into words is the best feeling. That also happened to me a while ago, and suddenly many things about myself made much more sense to me. My whole being felt explained and validated, I’m so happy something like this is happening to you as well. Now I am curious which book it was that you were reading, if you would like to share.
Books can change our whole perspective and the way we look at the world. We can learn and grow so much through them.
@Solemnis Thank you so much for your reply. The book is called Loveless by Alice Oseman.
This process is both terrifying and also exciting. I’m looking forward to the journey.
Whats up Jenna?
Reading this made me tear up a bit because I’ve also been on a similar self discovery journal and know how perplexing these moments of realization can be - at its core, it’s truly a beautiful thing.
One thing that I’m coming to understand and embrace is that we go through things in our life as a part of our development into the person we need to be for those who need us. Whether that be for strangers or loved ones.
I’m incredibly proud of you for taking time to understand your soul… your true essence. In my experience I believe that life starts truly unfolding in our favor once we align ourselves to who we truly are. No matter what that looks like (just don’t be hurting people in the process lol)
Reading this, I’m reminded of a quote by the poet, Charles Bukowski, a person who expressed these very things through his art:
Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who to be?
And Steve Jobs famous apple commercial, “Here’s To The Crazy Ones.” Apple Steve Jobs Heres To The Crazy Ones - YouTube
Keep us posted on your journey. keep steadfast in your pursuit of know who you truly are. When you find that shining light that’s been hidden away from society, let it shine for others so that they may be able to find light along the dark path they travel.
Thank you for inspiring me.
It’s understandable that it feels both terrifying and amazing. Something completely new in our life always has the potential to incur both positive and negative feelings at the same time, especially when it concerns your whole identity.
Is there a way we can support you further? Sometimes it might be beneficial to get in touch with people who went through the same or a similar process, if it becomes too intimidating.
I hope you have the most beautiful journey of self-discovery.
I understand how intense it is to find something that just screams everything you’ve ever went through. I had a similar reaction when I found what emotional dysregulation is. Now, I start my own journey to “find” myself. I’m happy to hear this book has helped find that missing piece for you.
I’m here to see if we get part 2 of Finding Jenna yet. That’s okay if not, but I want to let you know that we are here for you if you ever want to update us, or ask for support.
Thank you for everything, hun.
@Solemnis Thanks, friend!
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