First Break up

It’s been a long time since I have been here, I know there is always love and support here. I may not recognize any of the names here anymore but I know how amazing this community is.

I just had my first adult break up on Thursday. We were together for almost a year and 3 months much longer than any past relationship. I’m 30 and my last break up was when I was 17. A big part was my lack of communication. I can tell her my deepest darkest secrets but I couldn’t get the courage to tell her how I was feeling or what I needed. I respect her decision even though I don’t like it. It’s eating away at me that I didn’t fight for her. My biggest fear was to lose her and it came true. I’m a recovering addict and it feels like the first day I hadn’t used drugs all over again. I literally hid in the bathroom and cried most of the day at work. The void in my chest feels bigger than it’s ever been. I was at a recovery convention today and heard a lot of things that helped me. I see where my problems seem to come from. I’m looking into getting back into counseling to work on these issues. This was the first day I haven’t talked to her since we started talking and it’s killing me inside. I didn’t have it in me to change my relationship status on Facebook and literally was checking every 15 minutes. I disabled my social media to quit acting on my obsession. When I got clean I couldn’t see a life without using and now instead of drugs it’s her. I’m withdrawing from her. It’s 2 in the morning I’m exhausted and I’m a mess I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. I received a lot of love and support over the psst 24 hours. I know I’ll be ok and this too will pass. Just right now it really fucking sucks. Any advice on committing better or how to deal with a broken heart would be appreciated. Thanks and love you guys.


Thank you so much for reaching out, Evan. You will still and always be met with love here. :hrtlegolove:

First off, I’m really sorry for your break up. Even if the decision has been conveyed in a respectful and non-chaotic way, it is still a very important loss that you’re starting to experience. How you feel makes completely sense. This is a time of increased vulnerability and it hurts.

While reading your post I was absolutely blown away by how much thoughtfulness, perspective and composure you are expressing. Despite feeling lost, confused, and a sudden emptiness. I hear you when you say:

I’m a recovering addict and it feels like the first day I hadn’t used drugs all over again.

And again, that is completely valid and understandable. However, even if it feels that way, you are without a doubt far from being the same person you were at that first day of your recovery. During all this time that has passed, you have learned, you have grown, you have built some essential strength without denying how your vulnerability is part of it too. There is an entire world and timeline during which you have learned to know yourself better and healed from something that was not meant to be a part of your life anymore. If you fear moving backwards, I can assure you that you’re not, and that is even obvious just through your words here. And you are going to overcome this new loss, this time with all the strength that you have built, with all the support that you have surrounded yourself with over the years. You are not alone.

You are experiencing the beginning of a loss. It’s a grief, and that alone will require for you to be patient with yourself, to be patient with how you feel. When I’ve lost people that I dearly love, I’ve tried to see moments of intense vulnerability like the one you’re experiencing as a time for emotions. There are times when we can think, rationalize, take actions, and there are times when we need to sit down and allow ourselves to feel what needs to be felt. As you have said so very well, these moments will not be a destination for you. They are meant to be part of grieving, but they are not going to be what you will feel for the rest of your life. During these times, make sure to ground yourself with the truths that you already know, make sure to be welcoming and patient with what’s on your heart.

There’s this quote of Lewis that says " No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid". It feels like fear because we are at first in this weird transition between what was without the possibility to get back to it, and what is going to be without having an idea of what the future holds. It’s scary to not know what we’re heading for. It’s scary to let go of something or someone that has been a major part of our life. During this liminal time that you will probably meet again and again, but also less and less over time, make sure to always keep perspective over the fact that it is a transition to something different.

There is SO MUCH for you to reflect on thanks to your recovery. You have experienced withdrawing, letting go and creating something different afterwards. You have that extremely significant experience to rely on if your mind gets overwhelmed by pain or fear. It is a strength that is not held into someone else, or something else. It is not something found exclusively outside of yourself. It is, actually, a very significant part of YOU. You hold that beautiful capacity of resilience. And not one that would be just about moving forward while ignoring how you feel. One that is actually fair, loving, and right to yourself. One that welcomes you as you are at the moment.

Please keep writing and journaling if that feels right for you, no matter when and no matter how often. Putting words on how you feel just like you did today is a very significant way for you to build peace. It may not feel effective at the moment, but in the long run it is really going to serve you.

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself well. Make self-care a priority in times to come because these are special circumstances of life. Keep reaching out and relying on the people who are there for you. Grief is a process, a rough and unfair journey. I promise you there will be more than how you are feeling right now. You will find peace again in your heart. There will be a day when you will look back at this post and feel the difference. You will be whole again. In the meantime, you will not ceased to be loved. By your friends and/or family, support peers, and this very community.

I’m proud of you for looking into getting back to counseling already. You deserve all the support needed, unapologetically. I’m sending a giant hug to you. :hrtlegolove:

PS -

I was at a recovery convention today and heard a lot of things that helped me.

I’d encourage you to keep them in mind as much as possible. It sounds like what was said during this convention had a very significant impact on you. Write them down if necessary, so it never stops accompanying you in times to come. I’d personally love to read what you’ve heard there and how it’s been helping you/what it’s making you understand about yourself/your situation. No obligation, that is only if you are willing to share of course. <3


Hey @Evan9171, thinking of you. I hope you’re hanging in there and make sure to take care of yourself. Please don’t feel any pressure to respond. Do what is safe and okay for you, always. I just wanted to send a friendly message and remind you that you are cared for. :hrtlegolove:

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I’m doing OK. We did soo much together so literally everything has a small memory of her or remains me of her. It makes me sad and I still tear up from time to time. I talked with my mom and she said when we saw you guys the other day you two looked so happy together and we were waiting to hear you two moved in together. I know she was trying to be nice but it wrecked me. I’m getting through it one day at a time. Just trying to keep busy to keep my mind from wondering.


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