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Flashbacks

(i’m shaking and crying really bad rn so i apologize for any spelling/grammar errors.)
i have a lot of trauma that i’m currently in treatment for. i have a trauma based therapist and i started a trauma support/skills group recently. i’m trying so hard to get better. i’ve started trying to do things that almost distance me from my trauma. i no longer refer to myself as a rpe victim, but instead a survivor. i went public about my abuse a few times. one of these times was forced as someone made a post about me calling me a liar simply bc she doesn’t like me, the second time was on my own terms so people who are friends w one of my abusers could unadd me (i still don’t believe all of them did but a few for sure did) and i warned people about the other man who rped me. i still haven’t come forward about being groomed since most of the evidence is gone due to him deleting his instagram and blocking me on snapchat when he found out i told someone. i’m trying as hard as i can to heal and try to accept everything that happened so i can move on but i can’t. i feel guilty for staying quiet to keep my abusers identies protected so THEY would be safe and wouldn’t hurt me. i feel selfish for it. i know one of them has since started dating a minor and maybe has a new girlfriend but i’m not sure. i feel like i could’ve stopped the cycle and protected others. i feel like a coward for being afraid to tell my story about being groomed. i feel weak for still crying every night having flashbacks of events that i couldn’t stop. i want it all to go away. i’m not even sure if i feel suicidal rn. i just know i don’t fee okay. i have borderline personality disorder so all my mental disorders are kinda amplified in a way and i have a lot of trouble identifying emotions that i feel. i can tell if i feel good or bad but beyond that its hard to pinpoint ehat emotion i’m feeling. that’s making what’s happening rn worse. i feel stupid bc i don’t understand what i’m feeling. i’m definitely scared. i’m crying and trying to stay quiet. it’s almost 2 in the morning and i have to wake up at about 8. i don’t know if i feel alone or lost or what i feel but if anyone knows anything that could help me i would greatly appreciate it. i don’t have that many coping skills that aren’t unhealthy. the ones i do have aren’t practical rn. i usually like to make a cup of tea since i have to focus on it but again it’s almost 2am and i don’t want to wake up my dog who’s asleep next to me and the idea of moving rn is really scary. i’m sorry this was so long and thank u if u took the time to read this.

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Hey tere I feel u though I cannot say I understand what ur going through becoz no one can feel the same way about a thing. All I want to tell u is u r not selfish, it is the society and systems fault. Recently I have learner that people are cruel.you are not a coward you are much braver than many men / people in tis society.it is not easy to accept the unfairness we have been subjected to. But u have come tis far and I believe u can overcome so much more. With all the love I say try to imagine a happy place , it may help.

Hey Nicky,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I believe you and your story is important. It is important to know that you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions besides your own. You are not responsible for the actions of your offenders. It is their responsibility to make good choices and if they do not, then that is not on you.

You are amazing for reaching out and fighting for your own healing. That takes a lot of strength and bravery. I am sorry that people have not been so kind to you when you came public with your story. I think your story will help inspire people one day. I know that I am inspired by your determination to heal.

Also, if you want to call yourself a SURVIVOR, then do it!! You survived something horrible and are actively seeking healing. That is incredible.

You are not weak for crying and having flashbacks. Those are all normal responses to traumatic events. Like I said previously, you are so strong for pursuing your own healing and sharing your story. When you are having flashbacks, try a grounding technique. Grounding techniques are tools that you can use to bring you back to the present when you are having a panic attack or flashback.

Here’s one of my favorites:
When having a flashback:

  • Look around and identify 5 things you can see.

  • Mentally list 4 things you can hear

  • List 3 things you can touch

  • List 2 things you can smell

  • List 1 thing you can taste

This will help you get back to the present moment and remember that you are safe and you are not back in the same situation. Try it out and always remember that you are loved beyond measure.

Keep going

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Hey @halfdeadsiren,

You are indeed a survivor. You are here. You share your story. You’re taking steps towards healing and peace. It takes time, and plenty of small steps to feel some restoration in your heart.

I’m sorry you were assaulted. And I’m sorry you were called a liar. This kind of reaction only adds more pain when you just expect others to be listening and understanding…I’ve been there. And I know it hurts. But you are here right now. And I want to really insist on something: your voice is important. You are heard. You are seen. And you are loved, truly.

i feel guilty for staying quiet to keep my abusers identies protected so THEY would be safe and wouldn’t hurt me. i feel selfish for it. i know one of them has since started dating a minor and maybe has a new girlfriend but i’m not sure. i feel like i could’ve stopped the cycle and protected others. i feel like a coward for being afraid to tell my story about being groomed.

This is not your fault. You’ve been surviving. And what they did is the result of their responsability, not yours. I know it’s easy to blame ourselves. You know, I’ve been struggling with the same questions over and over. Should I report them? This question keeps haunting me. I wonder if they hurt someone else - if I could prevent or prevented that. And I don’t have the answers. But recently I just saw a very important reminder while scrolling on Instagram. I’d like to share it with you here:

Screenshot_2020-07-03  microsmos • Photos et vidéos Instagram

I know this can be controversial and dicussed. And that’s okay. But right now, it’s about you and what you feel comfortable with. What happened to you, what happened to others, is not your fault. Never. The only wrong decisions and behaviors are those of the people who assaulted you. And only them. You don’t need all this guilt on your shoulders. You never deserved it.

If you don’t feel comfortable to report them: that’s okay. And know that what is true right now could be totally different in a few weeks, months or years. The priority here is to take care of yourself, first. Reporting someone can be restorative and helpful, but it’s also a painful process that requires you to gather some strengths and surround yourself with supportive people. Your safety matters. Whether it’s physical or emotional. If you intend to report them one day, if your guts tell you that this is what has to be done, then I have no doubt you’ll be able to do it sooner or later. And whatever your decisions are, you can count on this community to support you. Always. We’re rooting for you.

i feel weak for still crying every night having flashbacks of events that i couldn’t stop.

I hear your frustration and pain. And I wish I could take those flashbacks and nightmares away. It will get better with time and support, friend. You won’t be triggered a much as you are right now. You won’t feel the same pain over time.

You are not weak. You are hurting. And there is a need for a lot of love, compassion and grace to yourself right now. What happened to you was objectively traumatic. The feelings and emotions you are experiencing are direct consequences of it. It’s natural, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. <3

i can tell if i feel good or bad but beyond that its hard to pinpoint ehat emotion i’m feeling.

I guess often times emotions are more complex than only good or bad. Sometimes, when I don’t know how to identify how I feel, I try to focus on my body and describe how it feels (at least to myself, through writing for example), how my emotions manifest in my physical sensations. Is it like a pressure on your chest? Heaviness on your shoulders? A fog around your head? A mixed sensation in your stomach? (…). Your words are enough as they are to describe as you feel. And the more you practice this, the more you’ll be able to identify how you feel effectively. Be patient with yourself, friend. In the meantime, it’s okay to feel a little lost.

it’s almost 2 in the morning and i have to wake up at about 8. i don’t know if i feel alone or lost or what i feel but if anyone knows anything that could help me i would greatly appreciate it. i don’t have that many coping skills that aren’t unhealthy. the ones i do have aren’t practical rn. i usually like to make a cup of tea since i have to focus on it but again it’s almost 2am and i don’t want to wake up my dog who’s asleep next to me and the idea of moving rn is really scary.

I guess you can think about potential situations you could have to face: like this moment when you were in bed but was couldn’t move and get some tea - what can you do to take care of yourself in this circumstance? What about having objects that reminds you something positive right next to you (a gift, a photo, a perfume…)? Practicing some meditation and slow breathing? Can you see outside from where you are, through a window or something? What about having a stuffed toy that you could just hug in these moments? Or a notebook next to you in which you could write down your thoughts? Or relaxing videos and music to watch in case of emergency? :slight_smile: One that I particularly like is the following one, just because nature has a soothing effect on my soul:

There’s also an app that I like to use, called Star Walk 2: it’s basically a tool to navigate through a 3d sky, to see the stars around you, based on your current location. It’s relaxing to me, and just a random idea here to give an example of the kind of thing you can use in case you need to relax.

Don’t be afraid to be creative and gather all the small tools and resources you’d need in different situations: outside during the day, in your bed at night, at school or work, while being with your friends… <3

i’m sorry this was so long and thank u if u took the time to read this.

Please, never apologize for sharing your heart. It’s absolutely okay. And I want to really thank you for posting this. It takes a lot of strength. <3

I hope your nights were a little better since you posted. And in any case, you are loved and cared for. Always. If you’re comfortable with it, let us know how you’re doing. :hrtlegolove:

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