Yesterday I snap at my mother over cause, I did not want to get filing cabinet with her. It’s when from me being perfectly fine, to fucking abusive less than a second. Like it was a snap of finger, I started kicking shit, scream with anger and flipping as my usual mental self. I did relapse to my self harm, I punch my head as lightly as possible. Like slowly knoting on my head. It was like this for whole night, I couldn’t shake the feeling of feeling sad, anger and shameful. Felt like I need to go to the ER.
My mother is scare of me, that hurts. I made appointment to see a therapist, it going cost 200 dollars. Also look up BetterHelp , buy bail at last moment. But I still might have owe them money. I can’t handle my emotions, nothings seem to work.
I’m sorry things have been rough for you lately. I was reading your latests posts and it seems that you really just want to have a break - which is understandable.
Your emotions can be handled, but it’s a logn process made of many different seasons for sure, as it also depends on what happens in your life too. It’s really good that, despite those bursts of anger and energy, you don’t just hide in shame but come here and decide to acknowledge what happened. Maybe years ago it’s something you wouldn’t have done, and that in itself is a progress.
Did you have some tips/resources provided by your last therapist in order to manage these times of crisis? For example, by sorting out some priorities: how to make sure you stay safe; how to make sure it wouldn’t affect those around you or not too much; how to “disrupt” a burst of anger before it happens (between the moment something triggers you and the moment you react, time can be slowed down as much as possible). It might be good, during times when you feel calm, to just think about some healthy tools and strategies to prevent yourself from being hurt and/or hurting others.
This energy that you have could also be channeled into a different path, one that wouldn’t be damaging. Do you practice any type of exercise in your daily life? You know, something in which you could put a lot of dedicate and intentional energy. In the long run, it might help you to keep a sense of calm and control.
As for the self-harm, what do you think of getting a boxing pad? Again, maybe it could be a way to channel your anger differently when you feel an urge coming?
You are not defeated, friend. There are ups and downs, things that work and things that don’t. But you will find the right combination of tools and resources for yourself. Don’t give up. I hope you will have the possibility to discuss what happened with your mom as well and make sure it doesn’t affect your relationship.
