For those who almost pulled the trigger

I think I’m in the last stage before ending it. I still go to work, I still kinda function, but I finally hit a stage I’d only heard about. The total loss of personal care. I don’t brush my teeth, I don’t shower, I don’t wash my sheets nor my clothes… is there anyone out there that hit this low and still came out of it? I’m certain there is… just feel like this is the final stage. Either I’ll get out or die, right now I’m just dying

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I don’t want to die… but I fear I’m going to very soon

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Hey @Someguy36,

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your heart here. Indeed, you don’t want to die, and death doesn’t deserve you anyway. You want to live. But right now you are hurting. You’ve been carrying some burdens on your shoulders, and your own, maybe even for a long time. So you’re exhausted and your brain is looking after some ways to change the situation, or just to end the pain. In this context, death may feel like a valid solution, but you and I know that it’s not a solution. It’s the illusion of one, which is hard to accept, although accepting this truth is part of healing too.

You’re hitting rock bottom, and feeling at the edge of. You being here, reaching out, displays a lot of bravery and willingness to try differently. Know that you are not alone, friend. And when life gets really overwhelming and draining, knowing that we are not alone, connecting with people who can support us during tough times, is a huge key that I hope will open some new doors for you.

I’m clinically depressed. I struggle with traumas and a pretty crippling anxiety as well. It was already the case before covid/lockdowns, but let’s say that all these circumstances didn’t help. I’ve had more time to think, more time to face myself, and more time to let myself drown. At the end of last year I’ve reached that point that you describe of not even being able to take care of yourself. And I’ve been unemployed for two years almost, not even a job as you do - which is pretty admirable and I truly respect you for that. I wouldn’t change my clothes, I wouldn’t brush my teeth, I wouldn’t cook, some days I wouldn’t even get up. I just didn’t have the energy - not only physical, but mental. There was this invisible wall between me and this world and I couldn’t see to walk around. Everything felt heavy, consuming, exhausting. I can’t count the amount of bills I paid too late and felt guilty for. I was also slowly drowning my partner with me. I wanted to die and had the practical ntention to.

7 months after I can say that I’m still here, alive, and I’m in a better place. It’s not perfect, and I still have so much progress to do. But I’ve started again to see a therapist. I’ve accepted to ask for medications in order to help me find some energy again. And I have zero regrets, because it has helped me to start getting out of this mental cave I was in. I don’t brush my teeth everyday, but I do it from time to time, whic is better than zero. I don’t cook everyday, but I eat a little more healthier. I don’t go out as often as I would, but I still go out. I’ve been making practical steps to get out of this rut. I pushed through during the times when I was full of doubts, and I keep moving on.

Just like you I never thought that I would fall so low. I knew for almost a decade that I had a depression, but it never striked me SO deeply. I thought it would never be possible to put one foot in front of another again. And here I am now, starting to think about practical steps to slowly find a job again. It didn’t come suddenly. And I’m aware that it’s not acquired, but I’m in a better place. With the right help, friend, it gets easier. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional about your situation and how you feel. It’s worth it. You deserve to be supported as you need and there are people who are equipped to do so.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself as much as possible. Depression is a bitch. It drains all of our energy and make us wake up feeling empty and defeated already. But there is more than this. Slowly but surely, it IS possible to make it through and building better foundations for your life. Somehow, hitting rock bottom is like a red flag that our mind and our heart are showing us. It says that something is not working in our life right now, and we may need help to understand what’s going on and to work on it. Being depressed is not a fatality, and it is possible to turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. For more patience, grace, compassion and love to give to ourselves. Because we deserve not just to function in our daily life, but to actually live.

In times to come, try to lower your expectations as much as possible. It’s okay to do that. Don’t expect to change your life entirely in a day, or build plenty of routines all at once. Take it easy. One day at a time, one step at a time. Make those draining tasks easier to do, or try to do them halfway. Instead of brushing your teeth, just use a mouth wash. Prepare a pile of clothes once for your entire week and put it in a place where it’s visible and very very eacy to reach. Wash your hair with dried shampoo if it’s too hard to get under the shower. Just put some water on your face if you feel like cleaning your skin is too hard. Make sure to have meals that are super easy to prepare - vegetables and fruits that are already cut and prepared, rice you can heat in a microwave, etc. Allow yourself to order a good meal as well from time to time. If you don’t feel like cleaning, just grab one object and put it in the right place while you walk next to it. Can’t do the dishes? Get some disposable dishware. It’s okay to make things easier and less overwhelming. It’s a matter of adaptation, and it wouldn’t make you any less as a person.

I’m sending hugs to you. :hrtlegolove:

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