I’m done trying, I hate improve myself, no matter how hard I try, I keep failing and realize how much I’m a piece of shit. I have thoughts of killing people and beating the living shit of people. I became everything I hate. I’m too much of pussy.
I have fucked of finger where I can’t even play guitar and even box. Why even try.
Hey @Metalskater1990,
Why even try.
You don’t fail when you try, friend. You still learn something, you still progress. But I hear your disappointment. And I’m sorry you feel like you keep failing. Unfortunately, progress isn’t linear, and there’s always a lot of moments when we don’t really know what’s going on or if what we’re doing is the right thing.
How you feel right now doesn’t question who you are. You’re a human being, with passions, desires, emotions and dreams. You’re not nothing. You’re not weak. Even if sometimes your mind tries to convince you with some lies about yourself.
Every time you try, you are closer to the person you want to be. I can only imagine how overwhelming it is to deal with this kind of thought. But through your posts I can tell that you are trying, fighting. I see it here. And that’s something to celebrate. That’s part of who you are.
Take some time to breathe today. Try to have a break, to rest. You’ve been very strong. You still are! But when you are disappointed or frustrated because the results you expect are not there yet, then it’s okay to take the time you time to recharge. Be safe, friend. 
The past sure plays some nasty tricks on us. And I don’t think we even are aware of what did it. So many feelings of anxiety, self doubt. When other people seem so confident, that it makes me hate them. You are good. YOU ARE GOOD. You don’t want to hurt anyone. You just want people to stop hurting you. We are too sensitive, too caring. And we need help. And face it, we need to find the right medication AND therapy. I have so little faith in therapy. But I’m going to give it another try. I bet you are such a sweet spirit. I wish you could, I wish I could be at peace. And stop the endless fear. Praying for you.