From over 6 months harmfree back to square 1 TW selfharm and suicidal thoughts

So from over 6 months harmfree back to 0 days. I know I’m not supposed to say that I’m a loser, but I had seriously hoped that I would’ve gotten at least a bit of control this time. Instead I did end up giving in again and maybe a lot more in the coming week. Told my parents that I quit my studies because of mental health issues and the response was “I’m not happy about this” (yeah I get that, no one would be thrilled hearing that) “we don’t have to lie about it but you are the biggest disappointment in generations here” “what kind of mental health issues? your life is too privileged for mental health issues” “you’re almost 30 and still have nothing to show for it, let’s be honest you probably won’t with your attitude”. Every day my mind just plays off these like clips and prove that I shouldn’t be here. That I’m a huge mistake. That I’m lazy and have no character and can’t do anything I put my mind to because I’m too lazy.
I’m just so done with everything now, it’s like I’m never good enough in their eyes. But what is worse is that I still want to be good enough in their eyes. I still want to be enough, but more than that I want to be able to explain why… Instead of just shutting down completely not knowing what to say… I don’t want to buckle every thought up and then have it all burst and grabbing that knife. Wanting to strip away everything that’s ugly and too much…
Sorry

2 Likes

Hello there nyntje,

I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. I don’t know what you’re going through but I am glad you posted on the wall friend. We will do anything we can for you at HeartSupport. Have you tried reaching out to a therapist? I know therapy was really helpful for a plethora of issues and they can help you build up coping mechanism’s to work through the hard stuff.

Just know you are valued, important, and loved.

Hold Fast,

Zephirah / Andrea Jean

3 Likes

Hey thank you for your response.
I do have a therapist but that’s why I’m so frustrated… I know better so I should be better, you know what I mean? And I just let it all take control… It just seems hopeless…
Sorry

2 Likes

Hey hey

Not all therapist and patients are a match. Your mental health comes before ANY thing else - and you can always go back to school when the time is right for you.

Also no need to be sorry. I am glad you shared.

2 Likes

I would say being harm free for six months is more than just a bit of control, in fact it’s quite a bit of control. You have gained a lot of ground in your ability to avoid self-harm. Now you have proven to yourself that you can spend a great deal of time harm free.

Disappointment can cause and “all is lost” emotional reaction. Keep in mind, it’s an emotional reaction, not a fact. You are far more experienced in using strategies to avoid self-harm than ever before.

It makes sense to prioritize mental health issues. When those issues are resolved, your studies will be much easier to manage.

Your parents are wrong! If there is any correlation between privilege and mental health issues, I’m pretty sure it’s negative. Privilege often insulates a person from the kind of life experience that helps them grow. In your case, I don’t think that is an issue.

You are almost 30, and I suspect that your parents have been using a shaming strategy on you since you were old enough to think, maybe even earlier. They probably don’t know any better. There’s a good chance that that’s how they were raised too. Parents often do this, hoping their child will become determined to prove them wrong. There is cognitive dissonance involved because children don’t want to think their parents are lying to them. If they trust what their parents are saying, the only sensible thing to do is to abandon hope and self-esteem. They may even maintain hopelessness in an effort to validate their perception of the parents.

You might not want to think of your parents as liars, but the fact is, they are not telling the truth about you.

Therapy would be very helpful toward dissolving all of the negative conditioning that you have received over the years.

The issue is not whether you are good enough in their eyes, when it is very clear that their eyes are not good enough to see who you really are.

I think there’s a really good chance that if you are able to shake off the negativity and negative self-concept that you’ve been living with, and quit worrying about what your parents think of you, both you and your life will change to the extent that your parents will seek your approval rather than the other way around.

3 Likes

I do have a therapist but that’s why I’m so frustrated… I know better so I should be better, you know what I mean?

Not so long ago I posted for myself on the Wall, and a friend made me realize that, once again, I was in a trap I tend to constantly fall into, which is to expect to know what to say to my therapist before every meeting with her. I worry about what I’m going to say, I worry about not bringing some good news and, even more, I worry about not sharing any progress between the last time we met and the present moment. When this happens, it makes me feel like a failure, because behind this thought, I believe that I “should” come to her a certain way.

Every time you think in terms of “should” or “shouldn’t”, you can try to acknowledge that and see it as a red flag. The idea of performance applied to mental health is a silent poison. I’ve personally never saw it being useful for anyone and, on the contrary, I see almost everyday here on the Wall how damaging that is for so many. It brings a raw lesson of humility. You are not supposed to be one way or another in the present moment. That’s what it means when someone says: you are enough as you are. There is no due date when it’s about healing. And even though we grow up with the idea that progress is linear, we really need to unlearn that perspective and see ourselves through the lens of our own humanity. There are spaces and areas where applying the idea of performance is a crime to ourselves. We don’t perform love. We don’t perform kindness. We don’t perform grace. And healing, when we struggle with a lack of self-confidence, if not with a lot of self-hatred, is mostly about learning to give ourselves those things, which can’t be interrupted by an ideal of performance and results.

You and I have something major in common, which is to have parents who made us feel like we had to constantly perform as we grew up. They did it in different ways, but we both internalized this idea that we are not good enough by nature, which means we would have to face this constant obligation to better ourselves. We thought that being whatever they wanted us to be would have granted us the love we needed from them.

What a lie. What a shitty pressure that no child, and no adult, should ever feel obligated to live with. The foundation of our existence and healing has to be based on one single truth: we ARE enough as we are. On the opposite, if we start to think in terms of not being good enough, then we believe as a consequence that we should be something different. We deny the existence of the person we see in the mirror. But the truth is we don’t even know what we’re supposed to be, because we’re constantly changing our standards to “something better”! So here we are, running after a constant illusion, until it hits us like a strong wall that constantly running away from ourselves can only interfere with the possibility to grow. And when we realize that, time has passed, which makes us feel even more guilty.

You are not what your parents said. And again, there is no should or shouldn’t in the way you feel about your relationship with them. My mom was awful with me. Yet I still love her and wish we could have a good relationship. As a consequence, sometimes I’m very frustrated at myself for feeling that way, because I believe that I “should” know better, that I “should” be able to feel more anger instead of love, that I “should” feel something different because it’s not logical when I think about how she treated my siblings and me. So I ask myself: can I stop loving her? At this time, absolutely not. Can I, at least, try to accept that instead of being stuck in a cycle of frustration and self-deprecation? Heck yes. THAT is something I can control. We don’t choose how we feel. But how we react to these emotions is in our control, something we can learn to change, and to make more loving to ourselves.

Your relapse doesn’t make you a failure either. When we learn to apply a procedure at a job for example, we can fairly expect that, at some point, we should be able to do it perfectly, thanks to the repetition and practice. But that’s not how it works for mental health. Because there is a subtelty there: life keeps happening, changing, moving. Whether it’s about the environment we’re in or our inner world, we are constantly in movement. When you feel like you are failing, try to replace who you are and how you feel in a larger perspective: the circumstances you’re in, how they affect you, and what are your needs during this season. There is no absolute in who you are. There is only who you are in the present moment, and learning to embrace the fact that healing is, paradoxically, a circumstancial journey, is also part of growing and giving yourself grace through any obstacle you might encounter.

Try to talk to your therapist about what happened next time you see them. Let it all out. The school, your parents, the relapse, all of it. By talking and using the support you have, you will turn that moment into an opportunity to learn and move forward, instead of allowing it to be another reason to blame yourself and retreat in shame. Don’t give food to those “should/shouldn’t” beliefs. They don’t do anything but sabotating you.

4 Likes

I don’t even know how to formulate my questions or my frustration… I can’t even think straight anymore… I’m just feeling lost and hopeless and like I just can’t do this anymore. been standing and falling a lot in the past years… just can’t take that anymore. Sorry… and I also don’t know how to get that back…

1 Like

Try not to worry so much about how you formulate your questions, or express yourself. A professional usually knows what questions to ask in order to help you with self-expression. If the words seem to be coming out all messed up, it’s not unusual. Therapists see it all the time. As you continue to talk, your thoughts will gradually become more organized.

You are feeling hopeless, but you are not. You feel as though you can’t do it anymore. With a change in self perception, you won’t have to. Regarding standing and falling a lot, that’s a fairly traditional way of making progress. The thing to notice is, you have made it this far, and despite the setbacks, you are learning.

You have been functioning under a cloud of negative conditioning. Imagine how you will feel with the empowerment that comes from being free of it.

2 Likes

I just wouldn’t know how to start the conversation though… sorry
I also feel like nothing I will really help anymore… I just can’t do this for much longer…

1 Like

Maybe you can copy what you think is pertinent from this thread, then print it out and take it with you. Give your therapist a chance to read it. Be honest, and explain that you don’t know where to start. A decent therapist knows how to ask questions that are instrumental in providing insight and opening you up.

“I just can’t do this for much longer…”

Then it’s time to do something different. That is where a therapist can help you out.

As your insight grows, you will be a changed person. Therefore, even if you are facing the same issues, you will cope with them differently. That means that you will no longer be doing what you don’t believe you can do any longer.

2 Likes

I will totally second @Wings on that. “I don’t where to start”, “I have a lot to say but I don’t know how”. These are valid ways to initiate a conversation with a therapist. It’s a signal you send them that says: I want to talk, but I need you to help me because communicating is, in itself, an obstacle for me right now. It’s their job to help you figure out what you want to share. And ultimately, there is no right or wrong way, no right or wrong word to say. There’s only what’s on your heart and your willingness to share it so you can work on it with their help. The way to do it? Secondary. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It can even be wirtten if you need. There’s really no objective limitation there. You own the space you share with your therapist, and you can use it freely.

2 Likes

This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.