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From secutor85: lost my wife two years ago when she suicide and many voices are constantly keeping my head between thoughts.I try to follow the ones that keep me healthy, but it’s not always easy. Build again from zero is what makes me alive, but at the same sad for all that I lost.
secutor, this is the worst tragedy imaginable - I know it’s been two years, so the pain isn’t necessarily “fresh”, but I am shook with you, for you.
A friend and mentor calls these kinds of events “earthquakes”. It takes an instant to destroy and a long time to recover from. Naming the severity of it helps give us grace when our world is rocked.
So hard to feel like you are fighting the daily battle of something you didn’t initiate or ask for. To feel like you’re ALONE in fighting it, too. That your rock, your partner isn’t here to support you. In some sense, it is a betrayal, that this pain and battle was initiated by their choices. But it is hard to call it that. There are so many layers to the emotions - grief, defeat, depression, despair, anger, loneliness…and that’s just the surface. It is so hard to fight to make healthy choices, when giving up is such an alluring daily call. A tempting siren.
I am proud of the fight you fight. Of the courage and strength that you have to choose this path daily. Even amidst failure some days - to get back up, to try again, to choose hope, to choose life. You are inspiring.
I can’t imagine how difficult that is. I’m so sorry. I really admire your willingness to start again from nothing, as you said. I wish you the best
I am so very sorry for your loss, Secutor. Grief shakes our entire world and makes us lose any sense of stability. So many questions, so many “what if?”, so many unwanted and mixed emotions. It is truly inspiring to hear how you’ve been trying to build again from zero, to not give up despite what feels like a constant, attractive void. It takes a lot of bravery to accept that life can keep going for us who are alive, even after we have lost someone so brutally. Feelings of betrayal and guilt are often present, and it’s hard to navigate those. After losing my big brother, I have felt so many times that I was wrong for simply being, for having the possibility to breathe while he couldn’t anymore. Composing with the absence of someone is also about replacing their presence in different spaces of our life. It takes time. It’s heartbreaking. But in the pursuit of life itself we also honor the ones who are not present anymore. We make sure that, somehow, they keep living through us. We share the impact they had on us, we share their voice through who we are. Love remains. It doesn’t know differences of time and space. Thank you for allowing yourself to keep going. Thank you for being here and sharing these parts of your story. <3