What is happening to me?
It’s a very important question and ultimately the answers are yours, @Yetisandcrayons. Though I can say that some of those feelings and thoughts that you shared are quite relatable, at least to some extent. And I don’t believe it’s messed up at all to feel how you feel, even if it could be disturbing to you.
Sure, if you see those thoughts as just thoughts, you can start to wonder things like: “what’s wrong with me? who’d like to have broken ribs and be in pain?!”. Obviously no one. But if we are honest with ourselves we can also realize that, sometimes, there can be some comfort in pain and hurt. Especially if that’s a territory you’ve been knowing for a certain time now. Sadness, pain, loneliness - even if those things are not what we aspire to experience on a daily basis - can become, slowly but surely our comfort zone. I think it makes sense to feel how you feel. It makes sense to “dream” of feeling something different, or even feeling something at all. Physical pain can appear to be an attractive way to overshadow an emotional distress. And even more, we can think that at least it’s visible to others. It’s a pain that is accepted, justified. A way to receive appropriate care for what is seen, without feeling ashamed of it or having to explain what’s going on, as everyone can understand.
But you don’t need to get to the point of having broken ribs to be acknowledged, friend. Same with diet pills. No matter what you are feeling, it is justified. It’s part of you, part of your reality - it is valid. I’m aware that we don’t know each other, but I see you right now. I really do. Not just you on the surface, wearing a mask, trying to keep up appearances. But you, through a raw expression of yourself, of your vulnerability, your doubts, your contradictions. This wouldn’t be possible if you didn’t decide to share those parts of yourself, of your inner self. And I want you to know that there is nothing to be ashamed of by doing so. There’s nothing shameful about you.
I hear what you share. This contradiction between some kind of attraction for darkness, the desire to care about it yet being also unable to. It’s hard to lose our grip on things that are hurtful but give us an illusion of control and relief. I see that you talk about anorexia as something part of your past - which I hope I’m not misunderstanding here - and I believe those contradictions that you are experiencing right now are part of growth and healing. I too struggled with anorexia and other eating disorders after it. I’ll never forget the depth of it, the silent cry that it is to feel like I’d be more lovable or just worth existing by being less in this world, literally. It’s still fragile sometimes. It happens that I have thoughts and longing for food restrictions, diet pills and excessive exercising too. It feels like, at least, it gave me a sense of control and a reason to be in pain. Not being okay felt more justified than it is now. It felt also more comfortable. But both you and I know that this isn’t true. It was only masking what was truly important. It was only preventing us from growing. Just like broken ribs prevent us to live as we’d like to, at least temporarily.
I hear you and I also believe that it makes sense to behave differently when you are with yourself than when you are with others. We all wear a mask and try to fit in what seems to be socially acceptable. We can also just navigate from one extreme to another whether we’re alone or with someone, just because the pain we feel while being alone is very deep.
It makes sense, friend. You are not messed up, you are not weird, you are not illogical or irrational. You’re only human. You’re learning to know and understand yourself without the layers of thoughts focused on the calories you eat, the weight you see on a balance or your body shape. Being in this position can feel empty, fade, pointless. But your efforts are seen right now. Your voice is heard. And I hope you’ll keep allowing yourself to share it, whenever you need it. Thank you, so much, for being here.
I’m sending hugs your way. 