From-yeoledustytrail-this-hit-me-deep-i-lost-my-fa

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From yeoledustytrail: This hit me deep… I lost my father unexpectedly on March 1, 2021. A little back story… I’m an only child, parents divorced years back. We grew up in NH, but when the divorce happened, she met a guy from California. Naturally dad stayed here but I went out west to experience new things, as I had a place to go until I got working/apartment. I had incredible guilt then, and even more now. I have since moved back home to take care of the estate, being in this house with so much pain has been very detrimental to all of the grief/guilt and everything associated with it. I was thriving mentally when I went out west, it was a fresh start, but the cost of living was enough after he passed to realize moving back to a place with lower cost of living is smart for our future. One of the hardest parts has been putting on the strong face to my friends, as when I’d try to tell them how I really felt went on deaf ears. So, it’s felt like I lost my father and all my friends I grew up with. Luckily my fiancé has been my rock, I met her out west, she’s so strong but there’s been moments where she can’t help, and it’s nothing against her, I’m just lost. Another side note to all of this, my dad’s health declined over the years and his alcohol habits just escalated it to a point where his body just gave out. Putting all the pieces together since I’ve been back has been a punch in the gut. Luckily for me, I don’t have dependency issues, because… in my eyes it’s easy to just fall on that crutch. To all going through it, I feel you, I will always listen because that’s the human condition. With the state of everything right now, we need to come together… not divide.

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My heart aches with you in the loss of you Dad and the loss of all the times you could have had together. I’m sure it’s hard to find out that he struggled so much with an alcohol problem that it caused him to pass early.

Thank you for sharing part of your story here. I hope it helps some to write it out and share it with others. I’m glad you have your fiance for support. Maybe a grief support group would be a benefit to you if you can find one close by. You’re always welcome to share the good and the bad here.

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@heartsupport :pray::pray::pray: this project is so great, I’ve followed for years… but this is the first time I’ve shared anything :heart:

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From Micro: Well done for opening up, friend. It’s okay if you’ve been in need of lots of time before trying to share something. Being vulnerable is not an easy thing to do, it’s intimidating. We’re proud of you for using your voice and sharing what’s on your heart. This is a major step that you’ve taken and I hope you’ll give yourself some time to thank yourself for that. <

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Wow…there are so many layers.

…make a good decision for myself (move)
…feel guilty for leaving dad behind
…dad dies
…guilt compounds. Which is hard, because then you’re unlearning the good lessons that you DID learn about being proactive to take care of yourself and make decisions for your mental health. It’s hard to tease that apart from the travesty of the situation. It’s easy to let that bleed into - SELF CARE IS BAD. Or some false belief that when I take care of myself bad things happen to others.

And then you have the layers and layers of memories and sifting through estate stuff + just the raw sadness of seeing someone you love having died, but not just died in March, but to see all of the stages of their death, the evidence of their life choices that led them to that place - it’s just so complicated. Sadness FOR them, sadness for YOU, to miss them, to have wished better for them, sadness to see the fragility of life, the fragility of our emotions and our minds, to watch someone slowly break and that it ACTUALLY has consequences. But at the same time to just realize the mortality of us all - to come face to face, to be waist deep in that reality. That is hard to carry in and of itself.

And then to try to be open with your friends? And for them to be dis-compassionate? It is so hard. It is hard in general because you’re in a position of carrying weight - so it puts you in a different mental state. You didn’t ask for this burden, but you had to “click in” to assuming it. So you’re already in a posture of “I can carry this, I have to carry this”. And when people let you down, it kind of slides into that same way of thinking. Like, “OK, I will just have to carry this too”. But this time it’s your emotions, your own heart, your own reactions, your own processing and grief and sadness and difficulty. And to carry that on your own only compounds the difficulty of it all. To be ALONE. Gosh, to feel like you’re having to go backwards after having gone forwards for so long, with the extra weight on top of you…it is very hard. Discouraging. Especially to feel like you have so much work to do to surface from it all.

So yeah. lots of layers. And these are just the ones I can tell from this comment. Thank God you have your fiance to walk together through this difficult season. So you KNOW you aren’t alone, because you actually aren’t (doesn’t mean the loneliness you’re experiencing with your friends is any less difficult, just means that you don’t fall all the way, you have someone to catch you and go through it with you).

Proud of you for choosing to try again, to trust, to open up. So appreciate your courage.

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From: ManekiNeko

I’m so sorry for your loss, having such a big impact like that is never easy. You started your healing journey and then have found yourself thrown back into a place that has opened those healing wounds again. I’m so glad you have your fiancé there to support you and be by your side. This guilt that is haunting you has no place over you. You are your own person and you deserve to experience happiness and life. I do hope that this journey becomes lighter for you.

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