Hi @Unseelie. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough patch. I’m glad you are able to talk to your SO about your depression and how you feel. That’s important to be able to do. I’m also glad that you’re SO helped you to see that your depression lies to you. I know it’s hard to feel differently. I think keeping communication open with your SO about this is important.
It’s also important to look for help. I know you said you try to avoid talking about your depression, but avoiding it only makes it worse. You may have figured that out already, but I needed to say it. You get more stuck in your head, and you keep telling yourself things that aren’t true, like others would be better off without you, and you don’t give yourself a chance to get the healing you need and the healing that you deserve to have.
Unfortunately, doctors and medications are expensive. I’m not sure there’s much I can tell you to help you with either. For a doctor, because you don’t have medicaid in your area, the best I can think of is a free clinic. If you haven’t looked for one, it would be a place to start. I think they call them “public health clinics” in some areas. Some have a small fee depending on income but they are cheaper than a regular doctor’s office. They can also, depending on the area, take a couple of months to get an appointment for a new patient, so it would be worth looking into as soon as you have time.
There are a few options for cheaper medications, if you’re willing to take meds and do a little research. This next part is only if you’re willing to take medications. If you can find a doctor to see, let him/her know that you can’t afford it, and ask for samples. Some doctors are willing to treat with free samples for a little while, until you can afford to buy your meds. Some aren’t willing to treat with samples for more than a couple weeks, but that’s a start anyway. You can also look into different discount programs. Ask your doctor for a prescription for a generic medication, there are a lot discount programs that can get the meds for a good-ish price. When I didn’t have insurance and couldn’t afford meds, I asked my doctor for a physical prescription, rather than sending it electronically. I looked around the internet at the different discount programs to see where they were accepted near me and what the best prices were and took it to that pharmacy with the program card. I was getting a month supply of my acid reflux med for $8 with the discount and without it the pharmacy charged close to $100.Different locations in the states will have different prices and whatnot, but it’s something to try. You can also look into the manufacturer to see if they have a financial assistance program.
If you want to see a therapist or counselor, look into someone who has a sliding scale. There are a lot who have a sliding scale. There are a few that don’t charge a lot for people who are really low income, although there aren’t many of them. Also, if there’s a free clinic in your area, they may have a therapist you could see.
HeartSupport has a book on depression that might be worth it for you to check out. This is the link to that, in case you’re interested:
There is also a free week with BetterHelp through HeartSupport. If you decide to try it, they want your credit card info because they automatically renew, but if you don’t like it, you can cancel anytime before the week is up and they won’t charge you. BetterHelp also has financial assistance, so if you check them out, you could look into that too. This is the link for the free week:
I hope there’s something in all of what I’ve written that helps you.