I really really hate that it’s so easy for me to just shut down entirely after someone I don’t even know say’s something unkind. I was just playing a stupid game online and one of my ‘teammates’ just yelled at me the whole time because I wasn’t good at the game. I know full well that I’m not, I don’t play often and only to distract myself. I argued with the guy and stood up for myself, but I couldn’t play another round, I was crying, and all I could think of afterwards and for the last 20 minutes is how much I want to hurt myself. Yesterday was already a shitty day full of mental breakdowns, and disassociation and one of my comfort games just led to another breakdown. I can’t help but think that I’m just being stupid and should just get over it, and I know that the person wasn’t right, and even if they were it still didn’t matter, but it still hurt me so fucking much.
Welcome on the HS forum! It’s indeed incredibly frustrating to have to deal with unpleasant comments like the one this person made. Online games can be incredibly toxic sometimes, but even beyond that, just the spirit of competition makes people lose their temper and be unkind more easily. However, good for you to acknowledge when it happened that it wasn’t okay, so you could stand up for yourself at the moment.
I hear you though. There’s this frustration for being upset anyway and having a hard time to let go, which makes sense. I can totally be wrong, but I personally believe that when we know that someone wasn’t right yet we have a hard time to not feel upset or hurt, then it’s often because what was said or done really struck a sensitive chord inside of us, whether it’s tied to our values, our perception of ourselves/others, our story… The pain you feel wouldn’t be specifically tied to this situation, as you know where the truth is, but more the result of some oldest pain that was somehow reactivated.
These are the kind of things that can make us feel deeply vulnerable, even if we don’t want to. We don’t necessarily choose how we feel and how we react to something, but we can still try to learn and understand why it happens that way. Worst thing would be to blame yourself for being hurt, basically for feeling, because really there isn’t anything shameful in this, even if it seems to you like the cause is little compared to how it makes you feel. Again, this event seems to have struck a chord at the moment and made you feel some very deep emotions, including about yourself.
Be gentle with yourself while you navigate these emotions. You are not stupid for needing time before you get over it. That would be awesome, but that’s just not how our heart works. We’re only human beings.
I will say this is something that I deal with on the daily. And I’m not sure if you’re male or female, and it doesn’t really matter. But as a female gamer, this is something that is common and it’s rough, and it’s awful.
I remember having a conversation with my mentor about this, but to a more extreme case. And just know friend, what they are saying, and the insults they are throwing is not true at all. They are going through their own shit, and they are projecting their pain on someone else.
You are loved and you matter! Keep fighting, and keep your head held high!