Gender Identity and Dysphoria

I’m so very confused lately.

I don’t know if I’ve felt comfortable with gendered groups ever. As a teenager, it was easy to hang out with boys, but then they started asking me out. So I found female friends, but I just couldn’t relate to them. I didn’t have an interest in the things they talked about.
I’ve been feelings very out of touch with my body for a long time, but its gotten so much worse the past few months.
In the midst of my eating disorder, there was some point where I felt so disappointed that my breasts would not get any smaller. I’ve been picking at the skin around my breasts since puberty, so they’re covered in scars. They’re huge (F to G cup) and I’ve always hated the deformity of them, the attention they draw (literally a guy in high school only knew me because my boobs were so big. They were my identifying feature).
My cycle has always bothered me too, but especially into adulthood. The mood swings, the mess, the pain, the knowledge that I’ll have to face this every month until I’m too old for it. It sucks, and it makes me hate my body.
A big part of me wants it all gone. My uterus, my breasts, just take it away. I hate them so much.
The other day, I looked at myself in the mirror in my baggy sweatshirt, and my breasts barely showed, and I was so happy. The rightness, the joy I felt, was unlike anything I’ve felt in a long time.

It all keeps whirling around in my head. And I don’t know if I’m trying to justified these feelings to myself, to feel more valid or more acceptable, or if I’m deluding myself and I’m female and just hate the social expectations on me. I’m also pissed that I need to justify the things I want from my body to a doctor that will look at a 24 year old female and scoff at the idea of a hysterotomy.

And then I go back to the numbness, the defeat. Why try to change this? Is this the agony I’m left to? It hurts or its numb, just like my mind for years. I don’t want that anymore. Something needs to change.

I’ve reached out to my therapist about this, and its most likely going to be the focus of a lot of sessions going forward. But I’m stuck needing more immediate relief, so that leads to the fear. The fear of trying new clothes, new looks, new styles and being ridiculed for it.
I’m so strong in other things, but this experience is so new, so raw, that I’m terrified I’ll collapse in on myself.

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@Kathleen97

I am so sorry you are struggling with this idea of who you are basically. As someone who has felt very similar things I completely relate. I am transgender myself and went from female to male. I am kind of stuck in a boat that most arent tho I have other health concerns that make doing some of the changes I want to do I cant do. But let me say this you have the right to be who you want to be. If that means finding ways to be more male than so be it. I dont know if you have tried this or not but I wear a binder made by GC2B and it has helped me get to a point of feeling a little more flat.

Deep down I hope that you know that no matter what you choose or do you are loved. You are who you are for you. It took me a long time to come to terms with who I am and it took figuring out a lot of little pieces. But the time will come when you know if this is what you need and want.

Hold fast
Ash

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Hello! I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m a trans man who’s been out for about two years now, and know for 4 years.

If you want some relief, maybe try referring to yourself by a different name and pronouns, see how you feel. Does it make you comfortable? Happy? Euphoric? That was my first step, and if you are transgender, it can really help to refer to yourself in a way that’s comfortable for you.

However, it sounds like you have more body dysphoria than social. If thats the case, I’d suggest buying a binder (DO NOT GET THEM OFF AMAZON! Get them from places like GC2B or Underworks. Amazon binders can be dangerous and hurt you). Binding your chest can help relieve that chest dysphoria. And also, I’d try to stop picking at the skin around them. It might make it harder (but most likely not impossible) for surgeons to give you a double mastectomy in the future if that’s a route you choose to go down. (Not all transmasculine people want top surgery, or even any surgeries at all. Transition is down to the individual)

Maybe try wearing baggier more masculine clothing too. You don’t have to dress a certain way to be trans or comfortable, but if you’d be more comfortable hiding certain aspects of your body, and presenting more masculine, then it can definitely be a big dysphoria reliever.

I hope this helps in some way! Best of luck!

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Something needs to change. Is the first thing that resonated with me. This says a lot and it says you are brave. I can’t imagine the stress this puts you under and I’m sorry this has to swirl in your mind constantly. I can tell you, its going to be a fight. Look at me, I have had a tube ligation at 27 and back then I had to fight tooth and nails for it, because the doctors thought: It will pass. But it won’t and certainly what your describing wont. This is part of who you are and you know what you like, you should go for it. Dam society honestly and on top of it, with more time passing people are more open minded about these things. Not that their opinions matter. What matters is your happiness and what you want from your life. That’s all you should concern yourself with, the rest comes along naturally. But don’t hate yourself, especially not when you have the power to change into whom you want.

Living the life you choose for yourself, in the body you want won’t always be easy but oh boy the rewards are worth it. You can do it, I know you can.
Hang in there, and follow the things you love.

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Hi!!! I understand these struggles all too well. Although I’m only 19 right now, I’m trans and I’ve known ever since I was a kid that the body I was born into wasn’t my own. It’s totally valid to figure out at a later point in life as well.

Unfortunately I can’t give you all the answers, but I can give you the advice to try a new name and, if you have supportive friends and/or family, politely ask them to use that name for you to test it out. Some don’t feel right, I know that from experience, so if you’re still curious you could test some other ones out! I’d also look into the effects of testosterone and estrogen; while researching them it really gave me a sense of what I felt I was missing and what I wanted to lose.

If it turns out you are just upset with what society thinks of you? That’s absolutely fine and so many people, so many, will also agree with you there. Even I thought that’s what it was in my case at first. I’m not saying you ARE trans, but I’m not saying you’re NOT either. Ultimately the only one who can decide what to identify with or do with your body is yourself, but I do urge you to do a lot of research to see what you’ll be getting into. I’m not the best at comforting others but I do try my best to lay out my opinion as clearly as possible.

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