So, I actually have another account on here that I used to use a lot. I made this one because… I just needed a separate account for some things. I used to come on all of the time on the other account, but since the things that happened last year… Well, happened, I’ve only posted once on this account and I believe not at all on the other.
I miss HeartSupport and I miss the people at HeartSupport and I miss coming here. It’s the only place I’ve ever felt people accepted me without knowing me well, and people who understood me because they understand the mental health issues I have because a lot of the people have those issues too, even if they’re not for the same reasons. It’s the place I felt the most comfortable in my life. There are so many people here who care about other people, and want to help random strangers in the best way they can. I know I’m a backwater nobody, and literally no one in my life knew what I was doing, but I was happy and proud to be able to come here (on the other account) and do my part, when I was able, to the best of my ability.
But I don’t know how to come back. This might seem like this is me taking the opportunity to come back, but it’s not, really. I’m stuck in my flight response. I can’t stay at the places I love most anymore. There’s a couple of people I’ve said goodbye to that I know don’t understand why I left, and I can’t explain to them what happened. I’ve always had trouble talking to others because of my past, and I just don’t have a voice for myself anymore. I can’t just go back. It’s not that easy, for anyone, but my PTSD is making it impossible. Until I can figure out how to control my PTSD responses, I’ll just end up leaving again, and pissing off people I love who probably won’t accept me back if I leave again, assuming they accept me back to begin with. It’s happened before (recently) and I don’t want it to happen again. I know some of the people here will understand what I mean with the information I’ve given and others won’t, and if you don’t understand, that’s ok.
I know HeartSupport will be here whenever the day comes that I am able to come back, but to be completely honest, I don’t think that day is ever going to come. I can’t get the mental help I need because of the issues I have. I cannot find a therapist or service that is willing to help me with the limitations I have. I’ve tried finding one, several times. And I just end up in this never ending rabbit hole. I ask one place for help, only for them to tell me to try another place, who tells me to contact another place, and it goes on and on and on. It never ends and I never get anywhere with it. I’ve been having a lot of physical issues too, and I’ve had some of them for a while, but I’m not getting anywhere with those either. I’ve brought them up with my doctor and she just shrugs and tells me to come back in three months. There are no other doctors for me to go to, so I can’t change doctors. I don’t know what to do because I don’t have the voice, or the will if I’m honest, to fight for myself anymore. It sucks because I really need someone to fight for me. I need someone to help me navigate life. I can’t navigate it by myself. I don’t understand how to navigate it. And I can’t find anyone to help me.
I think that loving someone who ended up making me feel completely worthless has probably killed me inside. It’s definitely changed me, and I will never be the same. They took away a part of my soul. A part that I can’t get back. I know I’m not the first to go through this, and I won’t be the last, but I’m a once in a lifetime type of person. I know we don’t know the future and anything can happen, but I can say with certainty that there will be no one else for me. Because I know myself. At least in this way. And even if it wasn’t that, I will never go near love again. I almost didn’t survive this time. I would never survive dealing with this again. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to work on getting better. I don’t know how to stop loving them, and what’s sad to me, because it’s something that isn’t me or in my beliefs, and not something I thought I’d ever say or think, is that not loving them or even knowing them to begin with is the thing I want the most. Not loving them anymore… I’d happily take that too.
I’m not expecting a reply, this is more of a journal for me, but I figured the category would be changed to support after posting, so I selected it instead.