Generic Title Here (because I can't think of a title)

So, I actually have another account on here that I used to use a lot. I made this one because… I just needed a separate account for some things. I used to come on all of the time on the other account, but since the things that happened last year… Well, happened, I’ve only posted once on this account and I believe not at all on the other.

I miss HeartSupport and I miss the people at HeartSupport and I miss coming here. It’s the only place I’ve ever felt people accepted me without knowing me well, and people who understood me because they understand the mental health issues I have because a lot of the people have those issues too, even if they’re not for the same reasons. It’s the place I felt the most comfortable in my life. There are so many people here who care about other people, and want to help random strangers in the best way they can. I know I’m a backwater nobody, and literally no one in my life knew what I was doing, but I was happy and proud to be able to come here (on the other account) and do my part, when I was able, to the best of my ability.

But I don’t know how to come back. This might seem like this is me taking the opportunity to come back, but it’s not, really. I’m stuck in my flight response. I can’t stay at the places I love most anymore. There’s a couple of people I’ve said goodbye to that I know don’t understand why I left, and I can’t explain to them what happened. I’ve always had trouble talking to others because of my past, and I just don’t have a voice for myself anymore. I can’t just go back. It’s not that easy, for anyone, but my PTSD is making it impossible. Until I can figure out how to control my PTSD responses, I’ll just end up leaving again, and pissing off people I love who probably won’t accept me back if I leave again, assuming they accept me back to begin with. It’s happened before (recently) and I don’t want it to happen again. I know some of the people here will understand what I mean with the information I’ve given and others won’t, and if you don’t understand, that’s ok.

I know HeartSupport will be here whenever the day comes that I am able to come back, but to be completely honest, I don’t think that day is ever going to come. I can’t get the mental help I need because of the issues I have. I cannot find a therapist or service that is willing to help me with the limitations I have. I’ve tried finding one, several times. And I just end up in this never ending rabbit hole. I ask one place for help, only for them to tell me to try another place, who tells me to contact another place, and it goes on and on and on. It never ends and I never get anywhere with it. I’ve been having a lot of physical issues too, and I’ve had some of them for a while, but I’m not getting anywhere with those either. I’ve brought them up with my doctor and she just shrugs and tells me to come back in three months. There are no other doctors for me to go to, so I can’t change doctors. I don’t know what to do because I don’t have the voice, or the will if I’m honest, to fight for myself anymore. It sucks because I really need someone to fight for me. I need someone to help me navigate life. I can’t navigate it by myself. I don’t understand how to navigate it. And I can’t find anyone to help me.

I think that loving someone who ended up making me feel completely worthless has probably killed me inside. It’s definitely changed me, and I will never be the same. They took away a part of my soul. A part that I can’t get back. I know I’m not the first to go through this, and I won’t be the last, but I’m a once in a lifetime type of person. I know we don’t know the future and anything can happen, but I can say with certainty that there will be no one else for me. Because I know myself. At least in this way. And even if it wasn’t that, I will never go near love again. I almost didn’t survive this time. I would never survive dealing with this again. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to work on getting better. I don’t know how to stop loving them, and what’s sad to me, because it’s something that isn’t me or in my beliefs, and not something I thought I’d ever say or think, is that not loving them or even knowing them to begin with is the thing I want the most. Not loving them anymore… I’d happily take that too.

I’m not expecting a reply, this is more of a journal for me, but I figured the category would be changed to support after posting, so I selected it instead.

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hello there friend,
there are so many emotions you have shared here, and the pain at the loss of love and the aftereffects of that struck me deeply.

May I share something I believe?

In Hinduism, Atman or the Self (also called the soul) is considered as eternal, imperishable, beyond time, “not the same as body or mind or consciousness, but… something beyond which permeates all these”. Atman is the unchanging, eternal, innermost radiant Self that is unaffected by personality, unaffected by ego. It exists, and there is no fire that burns it, no loss that breaks it, no person who changes it.

It is saddening when love and its withdrawal from our life produces so much grief that it actually changes how we perceive the world, how we see ourselves. We make declarations of “forever” based on the glasses we’re wearing right now. So we say “I can never see myself doing x or y”, “There is no way I could ever a or b again”. When what we mean is:

  • I’m so hurt right now, so heartbroken, feeling so defeated and lost, that right now? Right now I cannot imagine myself doing these things. You can’t say for certainty that there’s never gonna be someone else for you. Just wanted to say that don’t write the future right now when you’re hurting. For some light-heartedness, there’s one person in Kitboga’s chat who’s present joke is “the old Kitboga would never have x, y,z” and it cracks me up every single time BUT it also reminds me that as time passes, it’s kind of funny to look back and see how we’ve changed, grown, survived.

I want to thank you for this post, for speaking your heart and your truth, for being able to say you’re not ready to come back. I would love to see you, but more than that, I would like to know that every day gets a tiny bit better for you, that every moment brings you a tiny bit of healing and peace. We’ll be here, always cheering for you, always here to listen.

And you are valuable and worthy, simply for existing. You’re a Soul and a Self, and deserving of love and security and peace. Always wishing you well, whether you’re posting here or not, my well wishes are with you!

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hello Galileo, welcome back. I’m not sure when you were more active if you hung out in the Twitch streams, but I hope you feel comfortable doing that and come hang out with us. I understand about your flight issues, I look for things that tell me I’m hated or that I’m going to get abandoned and I’ll leave first. Depending on how I left, coming back is always iffy. I know that Heart Support would welcome you back with open arms tho, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about there. Peace ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so very much for your post, it was lovely to read but very sad. I am so happy that you have written. The first thing I would like to say to you is that I would love for you to come back to us now just as you are, it doesnt matter for how long or with what ever issues you bring with you, lets face it we are all carriying bags of them, thats what makes us all the amazing people we are and to have you back here would be a joy. I do respect you are concerned about staying long in a place you love most so why dont you stay for a while, join in with a couple of streams and just enjoy being back here until you cant anymore, you may find you can stay longer than you thought. I think you sound like a wonderful person and I for one would be very happy to meet you and say hi in stream. As for your relationship, Its sould destroying when somone you fall in love with damages you, its cruel and unfair and you didnt deserve that and although you feel it has ruined your chances of love, i hope that one day that changes and you do give someone else a chance to make you happy as you truly deserve that my friend you honestly do. In the meantime we are here for you. Much Love Lisa xx

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Galileo :hrtlegolove: I want to give you the biggest hug for sharing these words and thoughts with us :hrtlegolove:
Thank you for posting again after so long. I know you are feeling really lonely and sad right now and you feel like you aren’t ready to come back to HeartSupport or join the community but I think that may be exactly what you need right now. You may not be in place where you feel you can support others but you don’t have to be. Let us carry you for a bit and maybe it will help you get to a place where you feel able to fully return.

Maybe come lurk in some Twitch streams and talk when you feel ready and inspired to do so. Post to the wall and keep writing journals to yourself. Use this place for what it is meant to be used for. I know you are in your flight response but the great thing about online spaces is that you can carry them with you even while you are running. Especially HS. And I hope you will; don’t leave us behind

You write so eloquently and your words really struck a cord with me on a personal level. I know the struggle of living somewhere with limited doctor choices and I hope you find the strength to keep speaking up for yourself and letting the doctors know how to help you. Because that is what they are there for.
And I hope you relearn that you are worth love and you are worth so much more than you believe you are. Even if you feel you will never find that kind of love again I hope you find a way to open your heart to all the other kinds of love out there. Because love is everywhere and in so many different forms. Love is love. Platonic, romantic, it doesn’t matter. Love is a wonderful feeling and I hope you find it again and the person or people you feel it for prove they are worthy of being loved by you.

I hope to see you around a bit more moving forward and I hope you keep wading slowly back into the community. Good luck out there, friend :hrtlegolove:

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